Relationship What Do I Do

[Army Wife 8207]

This is my first post, I have so many questions. The last month I have been reading on PTSD nightly/daily. I have been on this forum since the 1st reading posts as well. I think everything he is doing is normal...(for some one with PTSD), and I feel like I am doing the right things based off advice from others, and what Ive read. I suppose more then anything I just want reassurance and advice on other things I could be doing for him and for myself.

I have complete a total faith in my marriage, I love my husband more then anything in the world. I've learnt that this may not be easy, and it could take a long time for him to come around. I believe our marriage can survive this eventually...

My husband one day came home and said he was done. "I love you, I always will, I don't want to hurt you any more"

Month later he is still confused. One min he thinks our marriage will work out the next he doesn't. BUT he always says "I love her, I will always lover her, she is an amazing wife and will make some one really happy someday, please don't tell her I said this I don't want to hurt her" (mutual friends and his family)

So what im getting is he does love me hes just confused? In all of this never has he talked about PTSD all I get is he is un happy because of his marriage, but his reasonings are not consistent. one min I'm a bad wife then the next im great wife that does so much for him, then he ends it with what I wrote above. The next min our whole marriage and relationship before was all about sex, the next min we didn't have enough or it wasn't good enough. Then its back to this marriage can work with time.

What I'm reading though is its common for them to blame the loved ones and the marriages, after they get help and meds adjusted they eventually realise its NOT the marriage. I just need to give him time.

How much time. I mean i know there isn't a perfect number but, will I hit a point in my life where I say I'm done I cant wait any more I need to move on? Some people think I need to do that now. But they also don't understand PTSD and the situation... I couldn't theres something in me that says I have to fight for him more then ever even if right now its not talking to him and praying to god every night for him.

There is also the issue of other women. Hes right now in the "I'm liking the attention I'm getting" mood. Hes been talking to other women via messenger and the phone and on porn sites, I've again read its normal. His step mom said that his dad did that when he went through his sever depression years ago. She explained it best that its for attention to feel good about themselves but also these women won't ask him how his therapy is going or about his meds. He's with drawn from all his friends and family. My in laws said while he was in town for a week they barely saw him he mainly was with the brothers and grandma. But avoided his dad and step mom especially after his dad talked to him about his personal depression - they expected it and they saw all the moods and the emotions and the depression. I don't believe he will physically cheat on me, my mother in law doesn't and several mutual friends don't think he will.

How do I get past the hurt and jealousy of this? If we do get back together will this stop? How do I get past it and trust him? My therapist asked me if I could forgive... I think that I can...

Is there anything I can be doing for him? He is in WTU where he has therapist, nurse case managers ect... should I be in contact with them still? Or is it best to sit and wait it out wait for him to hit rock bottom and to actually want help? I feel helpless. I'm tired of being hurt day in and day out, I'm tired of being lonely, I miss my husband I miss the man he was a few months ago (between being sent home and recent when meds changed and therapist went on holiday.) I know he will always have PTSD but that person he was for a little while was the person I married I want that person back! (I think he has been dealing with depression and or PTSD for over a year now I think first deployment started it and this last time trigged it)

What about me what can I be doing for myself? I need to be able to function. I have been seeing a therapist, talking to family his and mine, and friends but I still feel so alone. I wish I could sleep all day and some days I want to crawl out of my own skin because I cant stand the pain, hurt, tears....

I moved home we are states away from each other was that the wrong thing to do? I felt I had to I wasn't working there (couldn't find anything) I lost a lot of friends because of him coming home early (some the guys think he is faking it sadly) I felt that being in our house and alone I'd be even worse off? I've made it clear me moving doesn't mean I gave up, I'm going out there in a few weeks. He kind of knows I want to email him and tell him when the exact dates and times are, see if he will pick me up, and drop me off and see me. I also plan to see the few friends I do have still.

I guess I feel my story is a repeat from a lot of others, I feel like I am doing all the right things, but I hate feeling so helpless, I hate that I see the solution.... but yet HE needs to....

 

[amethist]

Hi Army Wife

Welcome to the forum, and a place where you will get honest answers for all your questions. Some of the answers you may not like, some will make you stand back and think again, but all will be honest.

Any kind of close relationship can be tough for sufferers, if you have read the stress cup article on the home page, this will answer some of that. As for contacting other women whether by text or by messenger or even porn sites is a boundary he has crossed big style. If you took the PTSD out of your relationship, could you honestly say you would allow him to do this, I very much doubt it. Most carers and sufferers will agree with me on this one, it is a no no for anyone. So using PTSD to excuse him for it is a mistake you really should put a stop to immediately.

You ask if there is anything more you can do for him, honest answer here is no, not just now. Not until he makes the decision to admit he has a problem and all that he needs to do, then go out and do it.

You will miss the man you married, you will miss him terribly, for a long time. Unfortunately he will never be the man he was, the basis may be still there, but PTSD has changed him permanently.

You moved states away from him, because you could take no more of what was going on around you. Before you make any decisions about moving back, you need time to heal yourself. Time to see him start on his own healing path too. Is it possible you have already answered one of your own questions, "How much time. Will I hit a point in my life where I say I'm done. I cant wait anymore I need to move on." You have moved home across states, maybe you knew then, maybe not.

We can all only take so much heart ache, pain, hurt and tears. Maybe you have taken all you can. you may have also lost trust in him, which is very hard to get back. Forgiving and moving past the hurt is one thing, trusting them again, not to fall back into bad habits with other women is a whole different issue.

I hope you can find a good way to heal yourself, just in case you have started to move on.

Take good care of yourself.

Amethist

 

[lovinbiker]

You ask if there is anything more you can do for him, honest answer here is no, not just now. Not until he makes the decision to admit he has a problem and all that he needs to do, then go out and do it.

You will miss the man you married, you will miss him terribly, for a long time. Unfortunately he will never be the man he was, the basis may be still there, but PTSD has changed him permanently.



We can all only take so much heart ache, pain, hurt and tears. Maybe you have taken all you can. you may have also lost trust in him, which is very hard to get back.

Hi army wife
I think there is much to be gained from Amethists wise words.
I believe the three things above are very important.
He is the only person that can improve himself his dealing with ptsd, yes you can be support but only if he wants it.

You will never get the man he was back as amethist said and if ultimately thats what you want then it will only end in dissapointment and sadness.

Only you can know when enough is enough when its just not worth fighting. Another member here said that trying to deal with ptsd as a carer when the sufferer is not accepting there is a problem is like trying to knock down a wall with a feather!
You will just waste your time and acheive nothing

I think losing trust in him is a bad sign and as amethist said will be hard to get back, I hope none of my words sound harsh.

You take care of yourself
LB

 

[Darkness Shines]

My husband one day came home and said he was done. "I love you, I always will, I don't want to hurt you any more"

I say things like this to my husband a lot. When I'm upset and struggling, I just can't imagine why someone so kind, attractive, and successful would want to be with someone like me. That is the PTSD talking to a large extent, because I can't imagine why anyone would love me when I hate myself so much.

There is also the issue of other women. Hes right now in the "I'm liking the attention I'm getting" mood. Hes been talking to other women via messenger and the phone and on porn sites, I've again read its normal.

This is not normal! Maybe cheating is more common in people with PTSD, I don't really know, but it's still a conscious choice and even someone as sick as I am has control over most of their actions. My husband is also PTSD (milder than mine) and if he ever messaged women on porn sites, I would never, ever forgive him, and I say that as someone who knows the disorder from the inside.

I completely understand the desire for attention, in fact I want attention so badly it makes using this website difficult for me. But cheating is still a choice.

I really am so sorry, because it's obvious you still love your husband very much, but it doesn't sound to me like he's willing to try to keep your marriage together. Relationships are never easy for people with PTSD, but that doesn't excuse him from trying.

I couldn't theres something in me that says I have to fight for him more then ever even if right now its not talking to him and praying to god every night for him.

You can't fight for someone who isn't fighting for themselves. You also can't fight for a relationship by yourself. The other person has to be fighting for it too.