General What Do I Say To That?

[void]

xxarmywifexx,
Your pain, confusion and fear are very strong and that would be the case for everyone in your shoes. I say this gently and respectfully as someone who has seen the long road ahead.... You and your husband need to have a skilled professional help you through this. Your husband is not the same man you married, but your marriage can still be good. He does not understand what has happened to his mind and neither do you, but you will- in time-with professional guidance. Your daughters will be confused and a bit scared because they won't understand either, but if handled properly they will learn deep compassion for those who suffer. Please know that I write this with the kindest of intentions.

 

[Arcticboy1970]

Armywife,

I agree with Void as well, professional help is a good thing. Your husband might be worried about career implications if he is still in the service. Though there are sometimes career implications what it often comes down to is priorities. If he doesn't take care of the mental health piece his whole life will suffer, career, family, social life in general, etc. If he does get help, his career might slow down or stop. Sometimes it is as serious as a life or death decision.

You may want to try talking about that a bit with him if he is saying he can handle it.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

void,
Your intentions are taken kindly. I do understand that we need to have a perfessional involved. I guess my only question would be about what kind do we seek (marriage, idividual). I spoken with him about going to marriage counciling and he simply said "what for, we love eachother and communicate well. Why do I want someone else opinion on what I do with my wife". That was the end of that. Its been a while since I asked him...
He does go to the VA to speak to someone...but he doens't like going to him, I think I might ask him if he needs to change.

Articboy1970,
Thanks you so much for talking to your wife. I will keep those things in my journal. And thank you both for prayers. I also wanted to tell you my husband got med-boarded about a year ago to date in fact. He is not longer interested in the Military in fact he is quite angry about his service time, his injuries...and the fact that he couldn't continue on to recieve a degree to live life as a civilian. Right now he is takes care our children and is a gardener...:) We have fresh tomatoes, snow peas, strawbarries, and peppers. It's all worth it in the end. :)

 

[Cowgirl]

Where does one get strength? Good question.

I think the source of strength comes from within, but it has to be replenished. It is not something that you can constantly tap and never refill. You have to have things that FEED your spirit, that make you feel GOOD about life, that bring you joy, that rebuild YOU. Otherwise, you will soon be running on empty.

Everyone is different. So I am just going to say what works for me. You will, ultimately, have to find out what works for you.

Reiki. I perform Reiki on myself daily. I also give my DH Reiki. I find it to be very centering, very energizing, very calming, very healing.

Horses. I ride. I go out and just sit with them. Horses have a quality about them that refreshes my spirit - they always have. Hence, my nickname. ;)

Milking my goats. Seriously. The quiet of the shed, with her munching on the feed in the feeder, while I fall into a mesmerizing rhythm and the sound milk squirts going into the pan. It is very calming, very soothing, it is a time when my brain doesn't focus on the negative. It is, in a sense, a meditative few moments, done twice a day, on schedule. It is time away from drama, trauma, whatever might be going on, on one of those bad days.

Gardening. Nothing like a bit of hoeing to work out feelings of pent up frustration or anger. And realize that, though you bite your tongue (usually) if he vents at you, or you leave him to vent alone until he calms, that it would take a Mother Teresa to never get angry back. And anger needs some sort of expression, some sort of way to get back out. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned outwards is venting (and often destructive). Anger used constructively gets things done. Let it out. USE it.

I also do other things that tend to put me in a meditative state: handspinning - there are few things more mesmerizing, more calming, than watching that bit of fluff in your hand spin and spin and spin to become yarn; knitting; weaving. The old crafts all seem to have a calming, meditative quality to them, for me.

Getting together with my girlfriends helps. Just being ME, getting a chance to talk about our lives, world events, ideas, thoughts, feelings. It is a needful thing, to have friends, to not be an island. We are social creatures. To expect a spouse to fulfill that entire need is not fair to any spouse, healthy or not. It is especially too great a burden for a spouse who has PTSD. Friendships will strengthen you and your relationship.

Those are just some of the things I do that help me. Perhaps that will get you to thinking about what you love to do that might help to rebuild YOU.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Cowgirl,

Thanks so much for the suggestions. I will have to do some searching on what some of those things could be for me. I think my main thing that I can think of is getting together with my best friend. I miss her so much.

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Cowgirl]

You're welcome, Armywife! And yes, I think you are right, that getting together with your friend might be helpful to you.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

 

[xxarmywifexx]

It was so cute last night my DH gave me a Sudoku book and told me he thought I would enjoy the puzzle games. He was right. I did a few at work and I love them. He is such a sweetie :smile:

I'm starting the think he is coming around and seeing that I too struggle. I'm blessed.

 

[void]

xxarmywifexx, As to your question of what type of prof help to utilize, the most important thing is that the therapist has experience with and a current understanding of PTSD/trauma and how to treat it. Believe me (I have learned the hard way)that not all therapists are created equal and many out there do not "GET" PTSD. Cowgirl is very wise in what she suggested. We will watch your journey with care and hope. Please keep us posted! Void

 

[xxarmywifexx]

I sure will void, you guys have become family in such a short time :rolleyes:

 

[xxarmywifexx]

The worst night of it all

So last night had to be the worst night ever in my marriage. My DH had a flat out melt-down. We had just come home from getting a movie and were getting the gurls to bed when he yells and tells me he needs help with something...so I put my youngest in her crib and tell me oldest to go to brush her teeth...and I rush to the kitchen. He begins to yell, about what I couldn't tell you really. He was all over the place. I tell him to clam down because I can hardly understand him. He takes a deep breathe and then asks me why it matters to me. He tells me we should just seperate because he is a not worth my time and love. I stay calm at this point, triing to not show he is completely knocking down all my walls. I remind him how much we love and need him around. He then goes on a long ranting and screaming at me...and I just disassociate...like I'm watching it on T.V. I'm so scared. He questions me why I love him so much if he doesn't do anything but give me grief. I tell him that he is putting words in my mouth. I never told him that he gives me grief. He states it doesn't matter and he wants me to tell him to leave and never to come back, that it would be better that way.

Am I right to assume that he wants no responsiblites? I realize that his pain clouds his mind to where he feels trapped on a daily basis. But why does push me away when all I do is love him and provide for our family?

I told him if he needed some space for a few days he is free to go. I also reminded him that I married him and I'm living my commitment and if he didn't like it the choice was his, not mine. From then on I was criing uncontrollably. I told him I wasn't going anywhere, he would be the one that would leave not me.

He ended up in his "quite" room for about 2 hours, where I'm not aloud. Which is fine we all need our space. By the time he came out I had cleaned the house and had my music going triing not to think about my own pain and how it made me feel that my husband wants to leave me because he thinks he is not worth anything. He just climbs in bed. I soon follow and start reading. After reading the same line 10 times I decide it was doing me no good that I should just talk to him. So I do. Tell him I don't understand the amount of pain he is in. That I want to help. He goes on to tell me about the poor service the V.A is giving him. How sad he is that he can't provide for our family...that I can't spend time with our children. He feels bad that he has robbed me of all this. I tell him its not his fault but he tells me it is and goes to bed.

How else do I tell him that it isn't his fault? I'm feeling lost and confused. The ups and downs are unbearable and its wearing on my body and mind. I'm so tired and depressed. I love him but I don't know what I should do. He is my soul-mate and it hurts so bad that I can't help him. he tries so hard to do what he has to do to fix his pain but we have no one else to turn to at this point.


He woke up this morning feeling better I think. We made up before work and all was well it seemed. We have good days and bad days as you can see. I'm just so tired. I need to refuel. Any words would be helpful. It just hurts so bad.

 

[greenscousegal]

:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon: A double dose of hugs just for YOU xxxarmywifexxx You seem to be in that part/point where your own self needs lots of TLC, lots of love. At this moment, you just ask here for the encouragement. I really think that by being a member here, you are in fact doing exactly what your husband needs.
You are making yourself stronger. PTSD is a rotten thing to know, either as the sufferer, the spouse, the child, the friend.
But PTSD is in the world. You are in my world so all my love and hopes that YOU will do OK. :kiss:

 

[Ace Ventura]

I am so sorry about your awful night. I won't try to tell you "I know how you feel" because I know each person's pain is individual; however, when I read your last post, it took me back to so many nights with my husband over the years. You described it so exactly and plainly...I felt like I could have written that. You even use the same word---"meltdown"---that my husband and I use.
I know it's frustrating: when a meltdown happens, it seems that there is no way to "make" your loved one see himself as the wonderful person you see when you look at him. Sometimes I think PTSD "acts" like a possessive abusive person: PTSD tells my husband lies about himself ("You're worthless," "You're a burden," etc.). Then the PTSD emotionally isolates him to prevent me from countering those negative lies with the truth ("You're important to me," "I want to be with you," etc.).
The post ArcticBoy wrote after talking to his wife reflects my experience in dealing with PTSD. Sometimes, when it's a really awful night, I just have to hang on for dear life and ride it out. It helps to be understanding toward yourself. Even if we're trying to be that stabilizing rock for our loved one, it certainly doesn't mean we're going to feel stable or rock-like. It doesn't mean we're not going to be crying. Sometimes all you can do is be there. We want so much to help. It would be easier if we could help. It takes an incredible amount of strength to be there with and for someone you love when you can't "fix it" or make it better. No wonder it's so exhausting a lot of times. :rolleyes:
My thoughts and prayers are with you...I'm always glad to listen. Please take care as you are able. :Hug_emoticon:

Love,
Ace Ventura