Sexual Assault What do you think happened?

[Haven]

I'm going to add my opinion here. First of all, I understand why you put it in 3rd person, and told it in a story kind of way. I do the same thing when I recount the events that happened to me. It's my disassociation. In fact I'm actually writing a book right now, about what happened to me, but set in a fairytale world, where everything is fiction, and a lot of other stuff added in. In fact, I describe my rape as being bitten by a vampire. I'm trying extremely hard to make myself believe that whatever happened was fiction, that it didn't actually happen, it was just some story I wrote. I can't read my accounts from what happened at all, or anything that happened around that year or so of abuse that's actually factual. It's too triggering for me, to write the events, or even remotely similar ones. So yes I totally get it.

Now then, it seems clear to me that your mind keeps coming back to that night. Your brain is hiccupping on that area. You can't figure out what happened, and it seems like a broken record that can't seem to move forward. That's a classic sign of PTSD. I totally understand being scared because you don't remember. I myself blacked out a lot during my abuse, and don't remember most of what happened. I found out later, horrible things happened, but I had no idea for months, just that I somehow got severe PTSD, and I couldn't remember my own name on occasion, plus other stuff, but I digress. If I were you, I would talk to a really good therapist for EMDR. None of us on here, are licensed psychologists. We can say pretty stupid and dumb things based on our own preconceived notions that everyone reacts the same way to abuse, or are distrustful because someone does something different than the way we think they should.

I also understand the need to tell someone what happened and ask them what they think in a way that your try to lead them down your own thought process of that night, and have them reach the same conclusion that you did. Because if someone else thinks the same way then perhaps that doesn't mean you're totally crazy/paranoid/ insert horrible name calling here. You need someone to agree to find acceptance and deal with what happened. I totally get that. I was in denial forever. Months, about a year actually. I'm still in denial in some ways. So yes I get it.

It seems to me you have something stuck in your mind, you're trying to figure it out, but you can't. Sounds to me you have hunches, suspicions etc. Time to go talk to a therapist. When I did EMDR, I found out many of my nights I remembered little or blacked out and I thought something specific happened, something totally different happened than what I had previously thought. It can be weird. So I can't help you accept, move on, or give any insights. This could have happened many different ways, and the only way to truly deal with it is see a therapist who can help you find the real memories. It seems something happened, what it is, I don't know. But I believe you, and I believe that you need help to work through the memories of whatever happened.

Best of luck to you! Hope I was helpful.

 

[GreySouled]

Thank you @Haven ! Yes, your post was helpful as well...and very validating. I have been more than stuck on that night. I've done EMDR in therapy several times for the CSA stuff, but nothing has really come up except for a few emotional flashbacks. I haven't even thought about trying it for this experience. I think probably because deep down I've been too scared to, but I will bring it up next week as something I would like to try...soon. I appreciate the suggestion :)

Take care!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My question to you folks is, what do you think happened at the cemetery?

Absolutly anything.

Here's the thing. False memories ARE possible and are a BITCH to work through.

I had a memory of being very brutally sexually assulted at the age of 6 ish. Ages 6 and 7 are SUPER muddy and really meshed together and then I remember nothing under that age but I had this one memory. Obviously a ton of worse things happened later but this one memory nagged me, a lot. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I could remember the act. Every single detail of the act. Even smells. The sweat on his body. Even my accidentle first and very confusing orgasm. And him saying "that's what daddy likes" and "that's daddy's girl". Always refering himself as "daddy" and to me as "baby" and "my little girl" and "daddy's girl". "That's my girl" and "that's daddy's girl". But I could not see his face. My mother's then lover affair and later became my step dad, he would refer to himself as master, king, and "god". Never daddy. So I filled in what made sense to me at the time. My own father whom was married to my mother until I was 12 when he finally was fed up enough my her affairs to leave her and abandon me there.

So for all of those years I thought my father sexually abused me at the age of 7 (I later realize I was around 6).

All teenage years I was lied to and brainwashed about him (isolated from him and his entire side of the family since age 12) and this "truth" of mine actually became memory. When I remembered it, I saw my dad's face and when I became an adult, when my dad's side of the family could finally talk to me, they wanted to see my dad and what did I tell them? That my dad sexual assulted me when I was 7. This is how I became "the lier" in the family. But I wasn't lying. This was an actual memory. I remembered him doing it. I saw him doing it in my head. But it wasn't him.

It took about 6 yrs in therapy working on this one memory for it to finally become worked out of my head as a memory and we worked and worked and worked with this. Other "clues" of who it was came to light. My step dad's necklace hitting my face. He never took it off as it was from "god" he said. It was a stone and hurt. I remember he coaxed me into his van where him and my mom worked. I remember he called himself daddy to make me cuddle with him and to feel loved, knowing my own father was horribly missing out of the picture and I longed for a daddy. Still do. He kept me thinking that this is what "daddies do" and this is "what you do for daddies". He also told me that "daddies are supposed to make you feel good" and coaxed me through my first orgasm that way. All of that came clear over a very long time in therapy but about 10 years of telling his family (and him and everyone else including my step mom) that he sexually assulted me. The damage that did to my relationship with them is irrepairable at this point.

So no, I will not guess what they did. Maybe they stopped and made a call to your mom? How did they find your house? What did you feel? Fear doesn't always mean something bad happened. You were in a car with strange men. Fear is ineviable. Talk about what you DO remember, how you felt, etc. But don't sit here and ask strangers on the internet to make guesses of what happened. That is just begging for a false memory! If you tell yourself something long enough you can make it truth to your mind and that isn't good.

Do you have a therapist? This is something to be worked out in therapy. 3rd person doesn't bother me. I used to write like that to seperate myself from what happened. Its the same reason I gave names to the lostforgottensoul that was being brutelized, trafficked, videoed, rented, punished, forced to kill animals etc. To distance myself and pretend it wasn't actually me. Its a coping mechisim. But what I see as a glaring huge red flag, caution, stop, wait, hold up is the "what do you think happened?" That is just asking for more issues.

 

[bento]

@GreySouled this memory sounds like it has struck a nerve for you. That you want
to know if there is anything more to it than the strangeness of being given a ride home
by two men, at such a late hour, who seemed somewhat sinister to your 15 year old self.
And the stopping by the cemetery seemed creepy to you as well. Seems creepy to me too.

Several people have made good points that sometimes normal, even good memories
do not get stored properly and are lost. I can concur with that happening with myself,
I've had a number of heartbreaking conversations with friends who are reminiscing
about good times we've had together, and I can't remember a single thing.

The general thread running through your account is one of neglect and lack of safety.
You do have memories around these things and it makes sense to process these.
I once had a therapist, who after listening to my conscious memories of abuse, send
me to a hypnotist to try and recover more memories. Once I finally "went under" I had
the horrid sensation of being shaken very violently. I know enough about what was
happening during that time period to think that the physical memory uncovered is likely
valid. Did I pursue it further? No. I had so many conscious memories that
I didn't want to hunt for more trauma to add to my plate.

I also had a serious scar on my wrist I received when I was two. I was told 5 different stories
about how it happened. One story my mother (main abuser) told me sent me into such a panic
I had an out of body experience. I don't really know why other than I think I was partially
uncovering that I received that scar from abuse. And again I live with that partial "memory",
really just a body memory--too vague to a true memory yet. The reality is that these undefined memories support the general narrative of abuse. It's clear why I have CPTSD, I don't know if
I'll ever have the time or money to chase down every memory. I also just want to live and
experience life too.

It may or may not be worth it, only you can decide. The suggestion to start with the conscious
memories you do have, is sound advice. It will serve you as a good platform in case
you want to pursue a deeper look into unprocessed or ill defined memories that can gnaw
away in the background. Best of luck to you!

 

[Deanna]

I didn't want to reply to this thread, but I did. You are ashamed your mom was a drug addict. You are assuming that you were shot up ( with drugs) only to remember nothing.

My advise would be work harder with a psychologist. There is consciousness and subconsciousness in the natural rhythm of your brain.. One of them has to remind the other what happened... so that can come about with a professional. I love psychology but it's incredibly boring and very brittle.

One of your two has forgotten. To bring it about, you really need psychotherapist. ( My psychologist could bring it about, because she's very smart but I would recommend psychotherapy)