What Does Grief Feel Like?

[Abstract]

I mean physically etc. How does one identify it? Talking about more than the response to death. Any general information on this would be good. What situations. What events, etc. Thank you!

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm guessing @Abstract , when you feel it, if it's profound and deep enough, you'll be able to identify it physically without any doubt, for yourself. It's a physical feeling of dying, while you live in the land of the living. Because something, many things- whether they be hopes, dreams, connection, plans, identity, people or several other things- die. That IMHE is how grief feels, whether it be hollow, crushing, terrifying, horrific, anger-filled or hopeless, usually all of them and then some, in several turns, if it's a profound enough loss. Maybe others experience it differently, but that is what I would say.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry @Abstract this was just a boo-boo, went to edit. :sorry:

 

[Abstract]

Thanks @Junebug No need to apologise of course. I didnt see what you wrote Im afraid. Thank you for sharing.

This thread was inspired by the one on grief about trauma. Death is easier to relate to grief as I know theoretically that it is related but with other stuff I wouldnt know where to start. I still have emotions that are strong and often there but I can't identity what they are. Especially something around my solar plexis.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well of course grief and loss go hand in hand @Abstract , of course grief has physiological effects but it's not an illness specific. And without a cognitive component there is no grief- if there's no perception of loss there is little or no grief. It's unique to each person, one could say their heart breaks, another it's a kick to the guts, another a black void of nothingness, another they are going to explode, another the bottom has fallen out. It's like being a giant (human) potato, being peeled. A lot of people run to doctors thinking they are ill, and because of how bad they feel, only to find nothing definitive. Whatever it is, and however you feel, including what you experience physically, one thing is you won't be the same person after. Maybe not worse, maybe not better, but never the same. You can't be.

Have you ever equated your emotions to your body? It's quite simple, really. For example, you mention solar plexus, well, if you think, "I feel like I have been knifed in my stomach", then you ask yourself what in my life feels like a knife to the stomach, or you would describe that way? And you will know if you are grieving, and what you are grieving if so. Such as, ~'my son's words cut like a knife in to my stomach'. And if you identify it accurately, the pain will diminish, if it doesn't have a definitive physical cause. So that could be hurt, or it could be grief (the relationship to your son +/or his childhood will never have a do-over). Or grieving your parenting skills were affected or influenced by your own childhood. Etc. Not quite as simple as one might first guess. You might grieve your losses, you might grieve other's too. I think it was @Justmehere in the thread you mentioned that said along the lines of grief is reality where something else should have been.

 

[grit]

I had similar experience where I did not know what does abandonment feel like? I even posted and after I realized that it feels like "I do not care" just pure detachment from everything that is important to me. This resonated with me because I was feeling that but also as I read I realised abandonment core issues are when a baby/very young child feels psychologically abandonment longer than they could handle at that time. So it made sense to me viscerally and cognitively...that abandonment feels to me as detached. you leave and I am done with you and you are back and I am like oooh it may take a while to get back to you.

I am sharing this with you because your grief is unique to you. is this a death related grief? A loss of childhood? A loss of limb? A loss of love? What kind of grief has different way of manifesting.

I had grief from loss (death of family members). the first hit felt numbing and a shock. Did not know at the time but realized after the shock and the numbing left my body after few months and I felt light and could breath different.

I recommend, lay on a bed, at a safe place, and think about this grief, and listen to your body. You will know physically where the tension is concentrated and allow yourself to fall sleep after if you feel crying, overwhelmed. If it is too much, prepare to say I am here for you and you are safe. Cause it can feel like back where this first happened. DO THIS ONLY IF YOU ARE ABLE AND FEEL SAFE. or have a person you trust, stay around but around you so you can let go and feel it.

Hope this helps.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Junebug x
Much thanks. I think I have been a little poor at expressing this which isn't unusual! I have a history of not being able to identify emotions. I did a lot of work on this for many years. Trying to understand what they are and then how to identify them. Did DBT and CBT stuff on this too. And more recently have done more work on it again. But when I read about grief I realised it is one of those emotions I haven't yet developed the ability to identify. I am not saying I never had emotions or that I have never experienced grief. I am rather saying it has been a journey identifying which emotion it is I am experiencing. If someone has died or been harmed I can guess on there being grief in the emotions I am feeling but if there isn't an obvious clue it isn't easy.

And as you so rightly mentioned we feel emotions in our body. And there is an emotion I feel often which I haven't yet been able to identify. Wondering if it could be this. I hope that makes a little sense! ?? And I totally agree that when we identify the emotion it usually helps a lot. Either in releasing it or giving us info on what to do to help it..

 

[Abstract]

Hi @grit

Much thanks. Yes I think you know what I mean with this. I do remember your thread about abandonment too and find it interesting to hear more about what you were thinking at the time. It makes more sense now.

It seems I don't know how to identify the emotion grief. I can guess it relates to feelings of loss sadness maybe emptiness etc depending on what is involved. I find the idea of grief to do with trauma particularly interesting. I have some very painful stuff I deal with which I can't identify.

I hope you dont mind me saying this (it may help to iron it out as will come up in therapy) but I have to say that I think what you are describing as abandonment may rather not be abandonment but rather be your reaction to being abandoned which is actually detachment or dismissive avoidance . Abandonment would rather be a desperate need to connect, sadness, emptiness, shame, loneliness. despair. Some of us who experience emotional or other abandonment react by withdrawing and reject feelings of abandonment. This is just how I understand it.

I actually don't feel I have grief so its hard to even think how to connect with it in that way. Rather trying to imagine it. Good techinique and shall hold onto it for future reference.

 

[grit]

@Abstract
Thank you for this.
I was resisting I felt abandoned.... I was feeling like I was missing something but as I went deeper you are right what I ended up was I do not care you are gone sort of feeling.

I think as you think about grief you will feel it but keep an open mind.

It is like describing love... You will start with the excitement but eventually will get to it.

Wish you well.

 

[Tinyflame]

. But when I read about grief I realised it is one of those emotions I haven't yet developed the ability to identify.

It seems I don't know how to identify the emotion grief.

^^Well, neither do I. I do not see grief or grieving as an emotion, except accompanied by a mix of emotions. To me it is a process. Like grieving the loss of a limb. And if you don't feel it, either that limb was useless to begin with, is incidental to your function and self-concept, is not missed, you are in denial it's a loss, or any other variety of explanations.

Abandonment would rather be a desperate need to connect, sadness, emptiness, shame, loneliness. despair. Some of us who experience emotional or other abandonment react by withdrawing and reject feelings of abandonment. This is just how I understand it.

Abandonment to me would have nothing to bother returning to reach out for, as abandonment is just that- it's over. I don't think that's rejecting the feelings of abandonment, but accepting the lessons learned from abandonment. Though yes, it could or does contain sadness, emptiness, loneliness and despair. And fear. Or resolve. Nor do I find it as not caring, as @grit said. I don't think abandonment is an emotion, either. I think it's a learning experience. Infants can't conceptualize someone is simply not there, to the extent I understand it, they just know their pain and distress is not relived. So even infants stop crying. That is not the same thing as ambivalence, though.

 

[shimmerz]

To me grief feels like I am wearing cement shoes.

 

[blackemerald1]

Grief for me is incredibly physically painful. But there is no analgesic legal or otherwise to pause the pain.
It;s a loud stabbing pain that cripples or a long, long endless dull throb that never leaves.
It's my mind endlessly screaming for something that is gone forever.