Mee
MyPTSD Pro
My therapy homework this week is a thought experiment into what it would take for me to forgive various people in my life and repair fractured relationships and if that’s possible / healthy .
I tend to forgive a couple of times after a explaining an issue but then walk away from a friendship/ relationship. Even if I forgive I feel a relationship that presses hot buttons often or repeatedly is unhealthy and I can like or even love a friend without thinking being in a state of contact/ friendship with them is good for me or both of us .
I am also aware I have disorganised attachment and after wanting to be friends with someone and feeling disappointed it’s easy for me to be avoidant in my attachment. Because I am pretty conscious of this I put effort into thinking and trying to feel my way through the decisions I make - ultimately it boils down to safety and if I feel the friendship is balanced and good for me. If safety and balance ( over time) and health is present in the friendship then I’ll take some pretty bitter medicine to grow, and don’t necessarily require apologies for issues past , and can find peace in different vantage . If I feel integrity compromised, frightened ( fear happens more than it perhaps should) or deliberately misinterpreted with no goodwill in differing perceptions then I withdraw.
Like many with disorganised attachment, while rupture is as safe - route for me as for an avoidantly attached person - and my boundaries strong, the anxiety in my attachment will gnaw at me afterwards at times- not at the boundary, but at re-examining my part, play by play, blow by blow. Sometimes I am right ( abusive relationships) sometimes I think I jumped the gun but to try to return would be disruptive and damaging to the other person. Especially when something DID cause the rupture.
Forgiveness is something I have a very difficult relationship with and struggle to accept as important in dealing with trauma. for me forgiveness of past behaviour saw me stay for more , saw me accept explanation or gaslighting that what I experienced was normal parenting/ relationship/ education/ relationship. Was me expecting too much of people, this fostering a very damaging critical voice where the cycle began again but more vehemently each time.
Learning not to forgive brought breaking cycles, Strength to get out of situations, anger enough to remain away from some damaging ongoing situations .
E.g. forgiving my mother now would see me relenting and visiting her - a situation which would not be so good for me in most ways. Imagining what she might be able to do for my forgiveness is kinda futile I think?
For me forgiveness is only possible after a repentance on the part of the other, an understanding, a desire to not hurt again - or an agreement to agree to disagree with compassion .
Forgiveness might for some be a freedom to move ward, I can see that, but it has been not forgiving that freed me. With out that I can feel my bones would slip back into their old places in harness
I tend to forgive a couple of times after a explaining an issue but then walk away from a friendship/ relationship. Even if I forgive I feel a relationship that presses hot buttons often or repeatedly is unhealthy and I can like or even love a friend without thinking being in a state of contact/ friendship with them is good for me or both of us .
I am also aware I have disorganised attachment and after wanting to be friends with someone and feeling disappointed it’s easy for me to be avoidant in my attachment. Because I am pretty conscious of this I put effort into thinking and trying to feel my way through the decisions I make - ultimately it boils down to safety and if I feel the friendship is balanced and good for me. If safety and balance ( over time) and health is present in the friendship then I’ll take some pretty bitter medicine to grow, and don’t necessarily require apologies for issues past , and can find peace in different vantage . If I feel integrity compromised, frightened ( fear happens more than it perhaps should) or deliberately misinterpreted with no goodwill in differing perceptions then I withdraw.
Like many with disorganised attachment, while rupture is as safe - route for me as for an avoidantly attached person - and my boundaries strong, the anxiety in my attachment will gnaw at me afterwards at times- not at the boundary, but at re-examining my part, play by play, blow by blow. Sometimes I am right ( abusive relationships) sometimes I think I jumped the gun but to try to return would be disruptive and damaging to the other person. Especially when something DID cause the rupture.
Forgiveness is something I have a very difficult relationship with and struggle to accept as important in dealing with trauma. for me forgiveness of past behaviour saw me stay for more , saw me accept explanation or gaslighting that what I experienced was normal parenting/ relationship/ education/ relationship. Was me expecting too much of people, this fostering a very damaging critical voice where the cycle began again but more vehemently each time.
Learning not to forgive brought breaking cycles, Strength to get out of situations, anger enough to remain away from some damaging ongoing situations .
E.g. forgiving my mother now would see me relenting and visiting her - a situation which would not be so good for me in most ways. Imagining what she might be able to do for my forgiveness is kinda futile I think?
For me forgiveness is only possible after a repentance on the part of the other, an understanding, a desire to not hurt again - or an agreement to agree to disagree with compassion .
Forgiveness might for some be a freedom to move ward, I can see that, but it has been not forgiving that freed me. With out that I can feel my bones would slip back into their old places in harness