What Does "processing Trauma" Really Mean?

[Changing4Best]

During one session in therapy, I remembered an incedent of an attempted choking upon my person, and was suprised it had happened AND THAT I HAD NOT REMEMBERED IT OR SEEMED TO HAVE KNOWN ABOUT IT AT ALL! The therapist had me remember everything about it, from beginning to end, over and over again, until I felt better about it and was not shocked, scared or even overly angry about it. I remember it now, it is part of my concious memory, whereas it had not been previously. This all happened in one session. I had many other instances to run through like this, with the various persons who had traumatized me throughout my life (or in one instance: a medicine that had almost killed me!). I still have more to do in therapy, which I may need to participate in for the remainder of my life, I don't know at this point.

Sheila

 

[Hashi]

...it is the emotions and the impact and consequences of the trauma that require processing, and just giving voice to those isn't enough on its own.

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

I've been thinking a lot about processing. After needing some time away from trauma work, I'm now talking with my T about how to restart it soon and have tried saying a tiny bit to test the waters. I feel hit by a tidal wave of the feelings. Especially, as always, fear, fear, fear.

I've been wondering how I'm going to be able to do this and how I did any processing before. I've realised that it's because I'm at a different stage now and getting closer to the entirety of what I need to face. I'm also having to hold on to the belief that the most painful revelations and most intense emotions represent the greatest progress.

I've never agreed when people have tried to encourage me by saying that I survived. Physically, yes, but not in mental, psychological, emotional and spiritual terms. I dissociated and split off from myself because I couldn't survive it. I think the processing is the surviving. This is the point at which I have to survive the fear.

Maddog, this may not apply in your case - if not, please ignore it. I just wondered if it's possible that intellectualising was a necessary first step for you in processing, for a time? Maybe it was necessary so you had enough distance and stability to manage what you've done so far. Particularly if self-blame is an issue, perhaps initially you could only allow yourself to face things in a harsh and unforgiving way.

I'm wondering this because for a long time I was quite split off while I talked about what had happened (for example, I always talked about myself in the third person, about what happened to "her"). Later I saw that as a negative thing, failing to really process it, but now I think it was needed to make it possible to speak about it at all. I could never have said "I" later if I hadn't done that first.

I might have stayed in the third person for longer than was helpful. But it was essential before I could do any other sort of processing. It kept me safe enough to do what would otherwise have been impossible. I think if I was starting at the beginning again now, I'd still do exactly the same thing. It was the only way I could tell my story - to myself as much as my therapist. When it was time to start saying "I" it triggered a crisis, but in my case I think that crisis was not because it had been wrong to have been saying "she" and avoiding the full realisation that it was my own reality. It was because it was now time to move to the next stage of processing, which was so real, close and terrifying.

I'm sorry this is so terrible to go through. I want so desperately to be on the other side of all this, and I wish all of us were.

 

[maddog]

I've never agreed when people have tried to encourage me by saying that I survived. Physically, yes, but not in mental, psychological, emotional and spiritual terms. I dissociated and split off from myself because I couldn't survive it. I think the processing is the surviving. This is the point at which I have to survive the fear.

Gosh Hashi, this resonated so so deeply with me, it's exactly the wayI feel and this is exactly the frightening realisation i have also made. Physical survival is not the same as being able to go on living, and that challenge still stands ahead of me, currently staring me down, daring me to conquer it. I feel il-equipped for the fight... yet have to believe there is hope.

I think that your theory about the need to intellectualise, in my case, as a first step to processing, is very insightful and accurate. I am even consciously aware of this at times, of feeling I almost need to experiment with the sensation and impact of discussing certain things with the shield of harsh cold analysis in place. Those times I can master it often lead to my best attempts at more emotional investigation, while those times during which the intellectualisation turns into a cold hard dissociated shell of numbness are the times I know I feel unable to even try again.

I've seen others use the 3rd person storytelling strategy to good effect much as you describe, but have oddly found this only increases my sense of distance and detachment from the trauma and fuels my analytical denial even further.

Yes, this whole process is brutal and so incredibly, heartbreakingly unfair. Nobody deserves it... except perhaps for those who caused us to be here.

Thank you for your insights, I always gain so much from your posts.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

Oh thank you Hashi and Maddog.

You put into words what I am starting to think more clearly and I totally agree with what you say.

I feel and have felt both. That contextualisation was a first and important step and I was still moving forward in some way. And that it still feeds my denial and cold cuttofness. I find I have to watch myself carefully and try to judge what I can do and what isn't helpful. Without awareness I can easily slide and separate very unhelpfully.

Before I knew better I definitely used intellectulisation and dissociation way more than I needed to and for much longer than I needed to. But I firmly believe in the concept of: doing the best that I could with what I knew and now that I know more I can do more. Its a type of acceptance and I find radical acceptance very very important in my journey and to stave off self hatred and judgment which is always such a big problem.

I'm also having to hold on to the belief that the most painful revelations and most intense emotions represent the greatest progress.

I dissociated and split off from myself because I couldn't survive it. I think the processing is the surviving. This is the point at which I have to survive the fear.

Thank you for these.

I am even consciously aware of this at times, of feeling I almost need to experiment with the sensation and impact of discussing certain things with the shield of harsh cold analysis in place. Those times I can master it often lead to my best attempts at more emotional investigation, while those times during which the intellectualisation turns into a cold hard dissociated shell of numbness are the times I know I feel unable to even try again.

I feel very much like this too.

 

[Changing4Best]

HASHI:: "Re: After needing some time away from trauma work, I'm now talking with my T about how to restart it soon and have tried saying a tiny bit to test the waters. I feel hit by a tidal wave of the feelings. Especially, as always, fear, fear, fear."

I think sometimes my therapists have known when to dig into lighter more recent and even happy moments, when the trauma is too much for me. They have a 6th sense about these things it seems, I think, though it is all part of their training and they know when to do what.
I guess I have a lot of faith in them as I have never tried to steer a session, but always go willingly where they send me. I do get sidetracked sometimes though, which may be my mind trying to protect itself, I am not sure. They seem to let me to a certain extent, then gently steer me back to where we were or where they want me to go next.

 

[Lucycat]

Wondering how in the world people actually sit down and tell someone their story/stories? Some of mine are x-rated, not by choice, but never the less not something that would come easily in conversation. How does that work? Code words? LOL!

Rumors, This is something that troubled me when I started therapy. I could not possibly say the words out loud, or tell T what really happened to me. Fortunately T was able to explain very early on that I did not need to. He actually said as the trauma was at such a young age I did not have the appropriate language to go with the memories.

So although he knew broadly what we were working on - for example 'being abused in the bathroom' - I told him no further detail than that. That session would be spent on me visualising the setting for just a matter of seconds at a time and then talking about the thoughts and feelings that go with it. Back and forth - memory then present feelings, again and again. At the end of the session I would be calmer, and as others have said the memory soon had no 'power' over me. For me this was done as EMDR.

I was so relieved that I did not have to 'tell my story' in detail. I too wonder how others manage it. I am so glad I did not need to.

 

[Changing4Best]

I was so relieved that I did not have to 'tell my story' in detail. I too wonder how others manage it. I am so glad I did not need to.

I have a woman as my therapist, could not stand to speak of these things, even generally, to a man! I requested from my MD (a lady doctor), that she refer me to a woman therepist.

All is going well.

 

[Rumors]

Thanks Lucy! I was had considered learning sign language.

It is apparent to me that we all struggle telling our "stories" no matter what rating they are. I guess it is a testament to our minds ability to protect us from bad thoughts. I am not well versed on emotional conversation, however I am beginning to realize that perhaps all of the discussions on this board in one way or another tie together; love and intimacy, processing trauma, etc. They are all emotions and some people keep them locked up for safe keeping while others share. I am learning to find mine and maybe one day can share!

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks Lucy! I was had considered learning sign language.

I guess it is a testament to our minds ability to protect us from bad thoughts. ...some people keep (emotions) locked up for safe keeping while others share. I am learning to find mine and maybe one day can share!

I believe therapy helps us to unlock emotions that have been bottled up. That is one of its major purposes, in my opinion.

 

[Abstract]

I was thinking about this more and realised that from what I have read something truly traumatic does not get properly stored in the brain. Emotions, visiuals, olfactory information and sensation often get split up and so it isn't stored as a normal memory. I can't remember but I think it maybe partly gets stored in the wrong part of the brain. Anyone? The memory therefore doesn't have a narrative content. It doesn't feel like a normal memory at all.

So by talking it through we start to make it into a narrative memory. And by feeling emotions and processing all the differnt aspects of it we put into a more normal context and our brain can store it more correctly. By feeling the feelings we release a lot of them. And then although it is awful and remains an awful memory it is no longer seen by the brain as something that is happening presently and is rather recognised as something from the past.

So maybe that is an important part of what is meant by processing. Putting the experience into a narrative context. And then part of dealing with it is releasing the emotions and looking at all the skewed ideas we end up with as a result of it. About ourselves and about the wolrd and others in general.

 

[Abstract]

Oh and I think part of something becoming a narrative requires us to accept that it is us and to place ourselves firmly inside the memory and accept it as part of our lives. Grief. It makes me feel sick just to write that.

 

[saffy]

For me processing trauma is about breaking it down and fileing all the bits in accordance of importance.

Things I need to work on, things I need to make decisions on, things I need to make a priority and others I can file. For example, When it comes to making decisions I think hard and make one and stick to it, no going back. This gave me one less thing to keep worrying over.

For me I think it is also about working on moving on from the abuse not head back to it, if that makes sense.

Best wishes
Saffy :)