Alice Miller states that the amnesia for content that is very painful is suppressed because "something" (within us) thinks that the sheer trauma of it would kill us. Later, one is faced with fragments that one must piece together, just to make some sense of the trauma and our lives.
This thread has shown us that even processing "fragments" of the memories is so painful and hard on us. We all can't have 100% memory anyway, not even for normal, mundane life events. Therefore, it is unthinkable that we would need to have excellent recall of traumatic memories. Science is now claiming these traumatic events get stored in a different manner (fragmented into various somatic elements) and location of the brain and body than non-traumatic memories.
To Who Am I Kim: that is the burning question for those of us who trauma that is still submerged in some amnesia, state-dependent, and/or dissociated into a fragmenting of the self. I believe Hashi and Anthony (and Ms. Spock) are covering the issue in their discussion that the context is key. Therefore, the fact you know trauma occurred, and you feel it's weight on you, it's pull and control on your daily life, is evidence that you have the key. This key is the negative emotions. As Anthony says, it's vital to take whatever comes up, whatever memories have offered themselves us as sacrifices to us, and to process them until we see the good in us after all. For example, instead of blaming myself for not saving my sister from my father as a little kid, I need to see how bravely I acted for years, how much I have always been there for her through it all, and how much I learned to love through hardship. Now I see the positives. It doesn't get rid of the negatives, but it balances and more truthfully tells my story in a way I can live with and be who I am.
Your name "Who Am I ?" also raises this question. Only we can answer it with our lives, our choices, and how we process our traumas and integrate what we do know of those situations and how we acted then into the now is critical to our future.
I recently heard, "The past is NOT a good predictor of our present and future; why would the past repeat itself?" This is not to say that history doesn't repeat itself, because it does. This is to admit that we are evolving slowly, as a species, and as individuals, we have the desire to change and grow. This desire is strong. It pushes you to ask the question in the first place, Who Am I?
The answer lies not in the traumas buried beneath layers of amnesia. The answer lies within the person asking the question and answering it with her life. Good for you! We are not here to remember who we are, we are here to create that daily with effort based on what we hold as essential.
For me, it is love. And love is too precious to waste on those who don't "get it." So love leads to boundaries and self-discipline as well.
Kim, you are the answer to your question; you are not "missing" anything with those memories. Nor am I.
Love, Muse
