What Happened?

[Deleted member 5760]

Ok,

Im going to try to be brave and share a little bit more about what happened to me. I was in Spain backpacking with my best friend when things got out of hand and he jumped from a building. I now find myself doing very strange things. Such as, looking out of windows and thinking 'that's a long way down'.

I'm trying very hard to share my story. But it is hard because when I start to share it I find my voice quivering and I start to cry.

I have slept on my couch in my current residence most nights because the balcony is in my bedroom. I suppose I have a problem with balconies now? If I sleep on the couch I dont have to look at a balcony. I suppose I still blame myself in some way. We argued before he jumped and I still struggle with that. Was it my fault? Did I miss a sign? Is there anything I could have done to prevent this? I genuinely don't know. Now I feel like my family has to deal with me. That they have to wear what happened that night when they had nothing at all to do with it. It's taken me almost 3 years to find a place like this where I can honestly put my hand up and admit I'm having a very hard time coping with this. I get angry and I lose friends because they think 'what's HER problem?'.

All I can really do is talk about what happened and slowly open the door and remember. I certainly don't wish to offend anybody here. I think you're all very strong people for coming forward and sharing your stories. I suppose all we can do is support each other and listen.

Thank you.

 

[valentina]

Hi Superjen,
I think you are an unfortunate victim - your friend was downright selfish in jumping off a building like that, he made you the witness to his self-murder. I have witnessed my brother's body in pieces at the bottom of a tall building - he'd been very ill for 6 years and obviously felt there was no-where to turn but now we (my sisters, mother and I) have to add that devastating event to our list of traumas. You will only find a form of peace by accepting that it was his weaknesses which caused his death. That your life is worth living and you deserve to be happy even though he wont breathe again. Stay strong and stay alive, the rest is baby steps - one day at a time. I try to do some smile therapy when no-one is looking, you look and feel mad but it reminds your face of what smiling is like and your face likes it - don't feel guilty for enjoying yourself.
Look after yourself.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Hey valentina,
Your story very much touched me as it sounds similar to mine. The difference being - my friend didn't die. How on earth that is possible after jumping 5 storeys onto concerete, I do not know. I suppose it wasn't his time. But he was in a coma for 6 weeks in Spain, then there in hospital for some time before he was flown home in a medical plane. I was treated for medical shock on the scene and still cannot remember the time straight after him jumping. Could be 3 minutes, could be 30. I walk into the the room with the maid (as I had gone to get help out of *very serious concern* ) and when I entered with a maid he climbed the railing and jumped. The last time I saw him was the day after it happened in the hospital. The nurse warned me it was not a pretty sight (you can imagine after a fall like that) but I wanted to wish him the best and say a prayer he would live ( sort of regret this now as the way his body looked is a piece of imagery Ive found incredibly hard to shake). When I returned to the hotel where it happened they had moved my things to a room on the ground floor. I then got on a plane to London where I had no idea what to do. I was alone, scared, and in shock still. My family and friends were all on the other side of the world in Australia. After a few days in London I made friends with a man there who said I could stay with him at his home (I just trusted him - perhaps thats one of my problems - I trust people too easily). This went fine for a few weeks until I decided it was time to leave. At this point he attacked me and locked me in his house telling me I wasn't allowed to leave as he was 'keeping me' in his words. He then got extremely drunk and I waited until he fell asleep and made a quick run for it. There were police outside who took me back in to get my things. At this point I just thought 'I cant believe this is happening to me. This feels like a movie Im stuck in that I don't want a part of'. I'm literally shaking as I type this. Anyway, it's such a long story and to include every detail would take pages. Valentina darlin, thank you for your very kind words. You are right - it was not ok for him to self-murder in front of me. I think that's where a lot of my anger now comes from. I realise he was sick to do something like this to himself, but I'm angry he's now made me sick in the process. Oh well, what is done is done. I'll try your smile therapy. And yes, put me first for a while because I certainly want to move on from these events and live a happy and productive life. Thank you for your support - so very very appreciated.
Jen
P.S - I have not seen my friend since because I honestly think seeing him now (he looks different after all the surgeries) may send me over the deep end. I just can't. He tells me I'm an unsupportive friend for not seeing him since the suicide attempt. It's not because I don't care. I really do not think I could cope with it. I hope one day he can understand this.

 

[Jeremiah Johnson]

What is great about this forum is you realize you are not crazy. It is comforting to start to realize the shared physical and mental responses that people share and that there is a scientific reason for this pattern. Again I see in your story a second betrayal and while I don't think this has to be there I think this second betrayal sends a person over the edge so to speak and into severe PTSD. When you were leaving that house was your mind reeling so to speak (were the police floating before your eyes) as you were like, how could someone knowing my mental state do this to me? This willingness for people to betray a persons trust is for me the tough part. I grew up naive, moral and trusting. That's over. Psychopathy and alcohol. I see it in your caretakers case.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Yes Jeremiah. Also, the man I stayed with was ex british army. It was a building FOR ex british army. With a rehab facility and all kinds of help for them to re-integrate into society. I did not press charges against this man. Perhaps I should have, BUT, what people may not understand was that he basically gave me a place to sleep and I think he was possibly suffering from Ptsd himself.

Now this may make no sense, BUT, he had basically been in the army in a 'communal' environment - to then get thrown back into the world to live by himself - I think he appreciated my company. Despite what happened, we looked out for each other in these few weeks before this second event occured. And I could not bring myself to press charges. My saying 'no' was not going back. Does that make sense? All I feel like saying to this man is 'why'd ya have to go and do that? Because we were good mates'.. and yes, I feel he should have understood what I was going through given that he had witnessed traumatic things himself. So I didn't press charges, BUT, I did make a stand in that I didn't go back - after the many phone calls saying 'I miss you', etc... there is a line that must be drawn..

Does this make sense?

 

[h2o]

Hi Superjen,

I can totally relate to not wanting to see your friend, and drawing the line with the other guy. I think it is your defense mechanism kicking in. If I get a call from my ex now it sends me into a shaking wreck. I feel like I am just not me anymore and am forever changed, but maybe I will come back someday, and I'm sure you will too. Like you say you need to put yourself first and take care of you.

 

[Jline]

If you feel like you will not be able to cope with seeing him you are making the right choice! Not seeing him is just taking care of you. * Good for you Superjen *

 

[Artista]

IMHO If part of you feels better in letting him know why you choose not to see him, write it out and send it to him. In his deep pain he may not understand the reasons you have been affected. I would be brief with it if it were me... just as needed info about why, so there is no extra blame he may absorb his way if he's unstable. So unfortunate you had to top it off with this attack. I empathize the two-fold feeling of it and how unreal it must have seemed!!! Two unfathomable incidents!!

I would always heed your feelings of avoidance as you heal from this traumatic event! We need to know to trust how we feel. Very important. Indeed when ever I have failed to follow my intuition or natural response, I have found it to not be a good thing. You are naturally protecting yourself right now. You couldn't control his feelings and actions then or now but only yours. And I always believe we do the best we can at the time. Sounds like you escaped a potentially even more threatening situation!! Your will and wit prevailed! I am heartened by that! You are obviously a strong woman. I hear it in your words.

I wish you the best with this!!! Be well.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Thank you to everyone for your encouraging replies.

I have explained to my friend why I am unable to see him, and wished him the best. But I think it is exactly as you say artista - probably my intuition kicking in. There is just a voice in my head (not a literal one - but more of a feeling) saying 'its very unwise to face this person in your current state - do you really think you could cope with that? Or would it simply compound what you are already dealing with? If the mere thought of seeing this person is enough to make you shake and cry, then the reality of it may do a lot worse'.

As I've mentioned, I'm currently in Asia at the end of a 4 month travel stint alone - I return to Australia in a couple of days. One of my fears is running into this person on the street (highly unlikely, but the fear is there). If that fear is there then I think it is a great big flashing neon sign telling me not to see this person at this point in time, and to look out for myself right now. It's simply something I fear could have disastrous consequences for my recovery.

Thank you all again for your invaluable support x

 

[Jeremiah Johnson]

Sounds like he is not a socio but a lonely drunkard with issues of how meaningless his existence is.... but why did he take it that far? Thats the part I don't get... I guess I will only understand when I lose my mind for a moment and take it out on someone else. I have learned once and for all to not ignore your instinct that someone is seriously screwed up. The few times I was in my "abusers" apartment to borrow something or whatever... I could feel an evil in the air... it was so odd but I totally could feel that shit was WAY not right. Left was right and right was left and up was down and well you get the idea. Really it may not have been evil looking back but really just one word. Insanity. My manager moved someone into an apartment across from me who was renting furniture at age 60. Who does that? Not many single guys. I think he was straight out of prison.