What Iam Doing Wrong? I Think I Killed My Relationship... Suggestions

[IrisL]

Hmmmm... How I start that - so first my faults - I didn't realise how much is effected me my past in the present - my ex/partner says I can't exist in not abusive way. And constantly abuse the things and waiting his time.

On December I got a nerve break closed up for a night into a psycho institution and now I'm waiting to get a psycho doc.

So a lots of time made up arguments and made problem for nothing - a lots of time when we argued what I remeber there is no logic just flossing out the shit what I have in me ...

What's bothers me what he does... Example I know small thing to be angry, but when the only person who does that - will piss you off - so I was the person who always cleaned and done the house maintaining... He never respect it when I Cleaned and a lots of time he did double job for me with the things; not because he helped- he just didn't care ... When I brought up that to him to is not only one person job the house cleaning and etc he told me that's a superficial problem and I don't have a leg to stand on...

And a lots of time he is telling me I don't do nothing. I'm working in catering - so that's a physical job - a lots of time got back nothing was done so to I can do anything in his small flat I had to pack away and make space for myself. But at the end I was just there tired and no patience or what's so ever to do my own things.

That's just a tiny things, but so many times I told to him... And he never really did anything about it. Once I reacted to "his that's not a problem" - to okay then if that's not important the. I will not waist my time. On that... Of course he got angry and he told me off...

I understand his anger about my triggers my blow ups and the lack of trust - he told me I have to move out, but other way he acting like we still together he is telling me I don't tell anything to him what's happening with me, but if I can't talk I cant - and when I try to express it to him he just telling me he bored of to listening the shits about me.

I don't know what to say to him, becaus his opinion for what I need to understand not necessary need psycho doc and I can sort it out by my own...

I had a massive flashback emotional shit not with pictures and at the end I dealt with it alone( was the bet) and he said I'm just making it up and just try to get attention...

How you know is he a good person for me? What can I say for him? He thinks I blame him when I talk about what he did wrongly and when I'm refering to PTSD he just says to me that's a cop out and I'm not taking responsibility for my actions... In a way true, but I neither see him as a real supporter - sometimes only when he fancies with to do or be so.and once he ask me he wants to know what's up with me the next time he says I'm bored to listen the things about you...

We still having sex time to time, but he have problem with it I'm rarely start the things... But every each time when he would I'm willing to be there and I can not it... Even if at the beginning absolutely didn't have mood for it... Sometimes that's pulls a trigger and I fight with the flashback of my stepdad... Mostly helps if that's happen I'm asking him to talk because that's makes me sure I'm not dragging back the memory but sometimes it's hard... Neither sure did he understands that...

He says with me there is nothing to build because I'm instability... Is that true? Am I really that instability when I. Trying hard and he always telling me I'm not trying enough hard... I built back triggers, memorise of course not totally but I can quite started to manage them way better... He says I can't learn nothing... When I learnt a lot and changed a. Lot... And I'm not sure he knows I don't want to be like this and he always come with a phrase you make your chives to how to be and if I want to be nasty the. I will be nasty...

Any suggestions how I can make that work??? Or what shall I do? I gave him so much trust and he still ( my opinion) denies it... And not sure he gets it what is that...

And he a lots of time telling me nobody helped me as how he helped to me and nobody who's put up with my suit and the only Edson who brought in his life problem is me... I don't know what to do... I'm not sure what I can tell to him...and what it... I'm afraid I will be just critised and I will feel like an attack... And nowadays massively concentrate on my negative thoughts or when I. Starting to dragging myself down to push it back....

Sometimes I feel like I know the things but like I can't react on it... I don't know why... What's wrong with me? I really want to use and act what I'm believe in and know not some idiot unconscious what's it... Like I can't see the present properly

Anybody anything?

 

[Justmehere]

How you know is he a good person for me?

You wrote many things that he does that are pretty crappy. You didn't write a single good thing about him or a single reason why you stay in the relationship. Frankly, he sounds like a real a-hole and I'm concerned that you stay with him in way that feels very much like a trauma ennactment. He's pathologizing you, gaslighting you, invalidating you, and saying a lot of really awful mean things to say to anyone, especially a trauma survivor. No one deserves to be treated like you are being treated. PTSD or not. If he is exhausted dealing with you and/or your PTSD symptoms, then so be it. That is NO excuse to treat you like crap. He has options to get support for himself, and to even educate himself about what PTSD is and is not. He always has the option to decide this relationship isn't right for me. There is no excuse to treat you so badly.

Just the fact that you didn't write anything positive about him and wrote about a lot of problems, this alone makes me think that you are pretty fed up with how he has treated you. Very reasonably so.

You can't change him. No matter how awful or at fault he is, you can't change him. You can only change you. You know how he is. Now it is up to you to decide what you want to do, knowing that he is how he is.

You stated that you are handling it on your own, and I'm not sure if that includes your recovery from PTSD. It sounds like doing it all on your own, or doing it with his messed up "support" and constant ragging and condemnation of you - that this isn't leading to the results that you or him want. It might be time to focus on what changes you need to make, rather than what he is and isn't doing right or wrong. If what you are doing isn't working, then you have to change what you are doing if you want different results. One of the changes that you may need to make is to get out of this relationship.

Maybe you and/or your PTSD symptoms have killed the relationship. I'm not sure. I think he has had at least a very big role in this relationship falling apart.

Most importantly, in the end, this doesn't sound like it has been a relationship that was/is worth keeping alive. It doesn't sound like a relationship that is going to help you recover from PTSD or live the kind of life that you want to live at all. You deserve to be treated much better than he is treating you and to get the proper kinds of support and help while you heal from what you have been through.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I had a massive flashback emotional shit not with pictures and at the end I dealt with it alone( was the bet) and he said I'm just making it up and just try to get attention...

That alone'd be enough for me to leave his ass. I have to agree with Justmehere. Not sure you can make it work if he isn't capable of recognizing that PTSD is a serious thing, not an "excuse not to take responsibility"...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you in therapy?

 

[IrisL]

So okay that's right - the positives - when he have energy for it - I supose or patience or time - or all together - so the conditions are right.
We can talk seriously about mostly any topics, we can disgust things what I never could with other. Sometimes when he gets it in exhausted and he is fine to do the things.
And that's a strange one I never can sleep deeply until he gets into the bed to sleep.
If we spend good way together time is really a quality time. And honesty okay I have issues with sex still, but with him I'm pretty much opened up with that.i never really joyed it, more like I felt before him is a must to do if I want the relationship.

He really do try to help me, but sometimes I feel he choose the wrong equipment.. But I told that to him - we just laughed and he told me that's pretty much right.
And I like to spend time with him when we are okay, but sometimes I feel I'm just there because he don't have better things to do... But I think that's just in my mind.
I just a not really know how I can manage his anger towards me, which of course he has the right to be- but sometimes I feel is just makes me more bad with my state - sometimes he can make me feel nothing, because he fed up to deal with me... And sometimes he blaming me he couldn't lead his life because I'm f*cked up...
And I do appreciate what he did, but because of his lack of understanding - how is mine too- he just made a huge damage and that was a reason of my psycho collapse and he tells me I'm blaming him... When I'm telling him - I'm not mean like that just pointing out something to when o ask something to please stop you need to stop... He says I'm lack of empathy ... And I'm really freakin try a lots of things and no clue what I'm doing wrong ... He says I'm blaming others when I'm just saying things and never occurred to my mind to what I'm telling to be as an "off the hook" I'm saying more as an explanation... I'm not sure how to express myself well with him... And a lots of times he makes me nervous because I so would like to do the things right for him.
I do love him and never felt that to anybody that deeply.. Really never... We are or were together from 2913 spring and we living together from 2013 September and still I have the butterflies in my stomach when we talk normally and have a good time... I'm thinking a lot about him, can miss him and like still everything feels like the same patio aye way with him as at the beginning.
I feel sometimes in not appreciated but he told me he feels the same and he feels sometimes I use him - which time to time I feel too.
But I'm absolutely disagree with him to I'm using the people, because I never really did that... Or if I did the other person clearly knew it and they didn't have problem with that.
How I can make him cal about my PTSD effect on me? How I can make up the shit what I caused? Why he thinks I'm not responsible? And neither understand why he thinks I'm not feeling sad because a flash s"**t just came out and react it on a way how he not deserve it and how I reacted on him isn't him...is mostly my stepdad threat or what's wver etc...
I'm not sure how to talk with him if he don't want to listen more past issues or effects on me, because he bored of it, but other way he wants to know what's up with me... But he don't want to hear any negative thing...
Would that help to see clear?
So if he can give time to me is awesome really is - even he can balance me out when I'm in the deepest emotion valley... And time to time can calm me down...
But a lots of time Im really needed him to be next to me and he wasn't because he was somewhere else with his freinds- I know he needs to refill and escape, but would be nice if he can say it to me clearly - to hey idiot you were too much I have to escape... I know will be hurtful for me but I have to understand that too... Is can be tiring sometimes how Iam... Feel like I can't express myself to him, because I feel the answer never good enough - and not sure I'm right with that or not... And he told me is impossible to live together with me, because of my negativity and the making problem from nothing...
If your opinion is still the same just let me know... Maybe I'm just an idiot.
Oh and he get angry if I'm reading article about sexual abuse... Specially pedophilia ...

 

[IrisL]

No I'm not in therapy I'm waiting to be in one - they said is max 6 weeks :/

 

[IrisL]

Who you would say a supporter? What does a good supporter do? Or more likely how? But the good ones too can get enough and fed up and angry? What is makes him bad?
Does that his attitude will damaging me more?

 

[Momofthree]

I would say that the good supporters do get upset and angry from time to time, but that it is not only few and far between but that they also don't get upset and angry with YOU but with the situation or the PTSD, they work through it with you, and would never hurt you with their anger, blame you, or accuse you of just making it up because you enjoy drama. Yes his attitude has the potential of damaging you more.

 

[Momofthree]

I would say in the great PTSD mindset of "It's me against the world, everything is trying to kill and destroy me" a good supporter says "I'm always on your team"

 

[IrisL]

He almost always says to me I'm making up the things and I'm not listening... Is it possible I can't listen? I know there were time when I just had a switch off button, but no clue why and he get me back ...
Okay so he isn't good...
I think I got it...
I would like to test out something...
How I can make him easier to be with me? So I mean how I can support the supporter?
I know you guys not agree with me, I just would like to make the things 100000 billion sure what I see or know is there is really there and if he will not change then I know certainly without I will not blame myself I didn't done my best...so if I will be a good ptsd partner - if that's exist...

Honestly how I'm reading back my lines ... Gosh..., I'm just somehow would like to lose the lost of attention what I need... Or hmmm selfishness and I think he should a bit see more on my side, but he always say I'm lack of empathy... That's sounds selfish from me, and excuse but he needs to understand if he talks nicely he will not have problem because I'm not retard or what's it - I'm just need for things confirmation, because I'm not sure about myself and my reaction- a lots of time I feel that thing is attacking me and my environment and is in me so it's me... No?

Would you help me to see my situation clearer to how I can act nicely with him? And not mean he will change, but he is able to understand me maybe he will...
And second of all stupid question but I really not sure why is damaging me?
Like I'm not sure is because of him or because of me, but how he started to act with me sometimes in a certain way (because I blow up like a napalm bomb from nothing - so he was angry at he needed to express it)I feel I lost the last sand grain of my self worth and confidence...if there was any...
Please please help with suggestions I know you disagree, but how I see I'm massively pissed him off and that's why how is he with me... And it's true he so many times told me the things and I know what how to do but somehow the action isn't match up and don't know how to do that...

 

[IrisL]

Momofthree you say the good supporter work threw it with you... How?
I feel myself so stupid to ask that... Probably I should know it...
Oh and why or what I'm doing to he says "you are always betting on your team"?

 

[Momofthree]

I can't in good conscience give you advice on how to be "easier to be with" anyone but I can say that a good 'support' for your supporter is communication and have more then one! With a good supporter the more you communicate with them about how you feel and where you are at the better. People with PTSD tend to hide or disappear when they are depressed or triggered and this is really hard for a supporter to deal with because all they want to do is help not be shut out. So one example of what I do with my supporters is I send them a text saying "I want to disappear" then they know where my head is at and don't worry so much when I don't text again for a few days. Second like I said have more then one if you can. We are a lot to handle and no one person should have to be responsible for all of our care it's asking too much. I have one supporter (my best female friend) who handles all of my relationship freak out stuff and who has PTSD herself so we do mutual support, I have my partner who is always there to be my clown when I need a smile, he is my safe place and my rock, then there is my church group who is always there to help me with the kids and just be a family to me since my original family is toxic.

As for the 'working through it with you' statement I would say the how is however you need it. If you need a listening ear then they listen, if you need wisdom and advice then they either give it or help you find it. If you need someone to just be here and never threaten to leave or abandon you then they avoid saying things like "I'm done" or "I can't handle this" no matter how frustrated they get. A good supporter has patients in spades! Most people can't be good supporters, that's nothing against them it's just not an easy thing to do.