What Iam Doing Wrong? I Think I Killed My Relationship... Suggestions

[Momofthree]

First and foremost a good supporter knows at least a little bit about what PTSD is, is always learning more about it so they can help you, and NEVER accuses you of making it up and ALWAYS believes you no matter how crazy you sound.

 

[IrisL]

Is it possible he is not prepared? He told me he had experience with similar background person...Can you ask that from another person?
Feel like I'm doing everything around that when I really do not want to, but I know with this need to be careful... So I'm trying to with my best knowledge... But him absolutely not helped me when I had on December a nerve brake closed in institution night( by alcohol great catalisator) he just told me I must go because that's no chance to he will put up with my shit again, but at the other hand somewhat he understood and when I get after at home again a hysteria or no clue what I was just horrible scared and he put me to bed and read me fairy tales... And for me a bit confusing his actions... And feel like I can't ask him, because we wil just have an argument... And sometimes I feel he is playing back my behaviour to let him close and let him close out... Neither sure is good to do... I know he do it to recognise in myself... But feels like not helps... The only thing which is sounds a bit weird by the facts - somewhat helps, but is destroys something but I don't know what... Am I mess chaos??? A bit feel like I lost again a battle and my abuser won again... And I feel myself bad to I have problem with that and complaining when other people has more realistic problem then mine... And a lots of times I feel I don't know how you live the life... And feel like I will can't do it alone - I really don't have anybody just him.and is so scary reality... And I know when I will get the psycho doc he will get paid to care about me and help me- which makes me feel worthless and I'm afraid to tell him... And probably I'm pathetic now again...

 

[Larksong]

@IrisL I am so sorry to hear about this turmoil in your life. You asked for our opinions, so: What stood out for me was when you described him accusing you of making your flashback up to get attention. That shocked me. As a supporter, I would NEVER say anything like that to my "sufferer." It wouldn't even occur to me to say something like that. My opinion is that a supporter, yes can get frustrated and upset with the situation and sometimes even say things they don't mean, that's human. But a supporter who cares remains empathetic and encouraging to you when you most need it. And they treat you with respect as an individual, no matter how frustrated they might become with the ptsd. You deserve that. I agree with what @Justmehere wrote above:

He's pathologizing you, gaslighting you, invalidating you, and saying a lot of really awful mean things to say to anyone, especially a trauma survivor

Try to really take that insight to heart.

In all honesty, and without me being a professional or knowing more about the situation than what you've written here: It sounds like you may have a codependent relationship, or at least that you're far too dependent on having this particular relationship in your life. I think you need to search your heart of hearts and decide whether it really does bring you more happiness and peace to be with him than to be without him. If you decide no, it will be better for both of you to walk away cleanly and respectfully. If you decide yes, I think it's vital that you both get counseling--he will need to work on many of his own issues in order to be the kind of supporter you need going forward. If he's unwilling to do that, it should tell you something about the depth of his commitment to your well-being and your relationship. It does sound to me like, right now at least, he's incapable of being with you in ways that are truly helpful and positive.

Don't try to find excuses for his behavior--it doesn't even mean he's necessarily a "bad" person, just that he may not be the most patient or the most mature, best-equipped person to be in your life right now. You deserve basic human empathy, patience, and understanding from the people in your life--don't treat yourself badly by putting up with anything else. While you're going through so much, you don't even have the energy or time to invest your attention in anything else! You have the right to ask for and receive positive support--please, no matter what happens, go ahead with your own therapy and concentrate on your own healing. It will likely make the present situation seem very different and give you a fresh perspective on ways to improve many things in your life, in this relationship and beyond it.

With positive thoughts and warm wishes from across the ocean!

 

[IrisL]

Thank you ... But I have a but: 2 years explosion from me,from nothing - can be frustrating and patience isn't eternity... But all of you and the forum helped me understand what's happening in me- and he is quite right - had to be controlled and realised what why is causing the explosion - is makes the other person hell ... And neither want to have an excuse of my bad behaviours...because of my past - I feel that like my past is trying to eat up everything around me, because I can't manage the life itself, because of my fears ... And I have to realise the past isn't in the present and I do not want to make it my future neither.

But what you say is spot on... But what I know if it's possible I want to find myself next to him, because he deserves to see me the full me..and I don't felt ever to anybody who I would like to show my real me... He did a lot - he helped a lot with my parents avoidance... Which was huge.- months of talk.. That's true he isn't well equipped how I'm neither... And sounds sentimental, but if he truly loves me how I love him, than there is a bridge what I need to work on - but he needs to help me with that... I still didn't lost the hope... And quite understandable when everything was almost around my issues...
And how he tried and tries to understand me I shall do that to him too. And maybe I'm wrong, but if he wouldn't love me he really couldn't do what he did. And the most strange of that I can't even put in words...

Really thanks for your words appreciate it a lot and makes me think differently ..- nice to feel I'm not crazy with my feelings. But I need to learn not to attack the nothing. And that's hard work, but I know I can do it...I hope is understandable... In a way.

And maybe I will risk something what I shouldn't but I neither want to look back and say I could try that or that - I want to give what I can and learn to give more- because that's makes me feel good. And makes me worth - and I like to care about others, but need to learn how I care about myself in a way to live the life instead just survive it.

He showed me so many new things what I never knew... Like real love - when somebody is really love you not just pretend it.care ...

And I should take responsibility of my own actions too...

And I can't reject it when if I'm realising he is there he could calm down with any idiot sentence. Need to be realised the present and be in the present.

And oh my god how much help is that forum and all of you guys - really thanks for that.

Never thought you can have that support in that way - I know he is doing a lots of things wrong, but he has to seriously concentrate on his things too, and so far with my ego and selfishness and the neediness made him interapted - and can't be everything me me and I see I should somehow manage it to stand on my own legs then constantly need attention - can be tiring.

Oh and we lived or live together... So the constant attack from me..and I thought a lot - he really can't help when I have a flashback but that's true that's not okay when he thinks I'm telling that to get attention, because it's really tiring. But I neither can expect, if I'm not communicate it down towards him - to he would have a clue of it..

Which I'm not exactly understand what it is correctly. But sometimes when I would like to say the things for him I feel like I can't because again and again will talk about that...

I know seems that's not good what he does, but he have to do something right if he can calm me down.. And only can sleep normally if he is there too... And honestly no clue exactly what I need... I neither know what I want to do... The only thing what I know I would is to be myself without my past.
Is that sounds stupid?