What If You Don't Remember?

[snugglepuss]

I have been struggling for the past couple of years with the fact that I don't remember what exactly happened to me when I was raped.

Due to growing up in a household where there was a lot of violence, and watching my mum's boyfriend beat the shit out of her, I started dissociating from a pretty young age. I have some of those classic memories from that, where I can literally see my body as though I am stuck up on the ceiling and am just watching what is happening around me.

So, I guess I really dissociated when I was raped. I have some flashbacks of snippets here and there, but I don't know exactly what happened, the sequence, etc. It really plays with my mind.

I wonder if I dreamt the whole thing, i it didn't really happen. I have been trying to find the guy who raped me for a few years now via the internet, and haven't had a lot of luck. There were two friends with me when it happened (they are the ones who found me in the woods). I have contacted them and asked them what they remember. The girl said she is not really sure what happened. The guy said that it would be better if I talked to the girl, cuz it was a female issue. He was clearly uncomfortable. I was raped when I was around 12/13. I blanked out my age as well. I am 36 now, and it was just this year that I asked them.

So I guess my question is, what if you don't remember? What if there are huge holes in your memory about what happened? My brain keeps going to the what ifs...

 

[anthony]

That is quite difficult, agreed. There are methods and techniques which whilst can be dangerous in some instances, also offer significant promise vs. the risk. EMDR.... has some good experience with memory recall. Mental imagery is significantly safer and usually quite successful with memory recall when done by an expert in that area, with less risks than emdr. Hypnosis is an oldie, but still a goodie.... Only problem is that it doesn't work for everyone and can be quite dangerous, like emdr, when looking for hidden trauma.

 

[brokenchild]

I still don't remember bits and pieces of what happened. I remember enough though.

Sometimes I doubt what memories I do have as I didn't always remember. They just came back once I started to someone who was willing to listen, not even a therapist.

I'm not sure if remembering is required for healing. No matter what happened, as cliche as it sounds, it is the past. What we all heal from is how the past is influencing the present. I don't know if we have to remember in order to change.

 

[anthony]

A good place to always start is to write down the fragments of what you do remember, onto one location and you read it over and over... you will find as time and reading of the fragments continue, you will add to it.

 

[Denna]

Are you working with a therapist, trying to reconstruct your trauma?

Yip, I've got a total blank of 4-7 hours missing from my memories. Really wonder how I'm supposed to get at those hours, I run things over and over in my head but can't get past the same bit. Does the actual reading help? I find if I write something down it is almost impossible to get myself to look at it again. I worry that there are parts of me trapped that I will never be able to get to.

 

[Claire]

I dont remember the vast majority of my abuse, but I know it happened. Know deep down. With the snippets I do remember I have had to accept that I may never remember what happened or who was responsible. I'm sorry that you are in the same position, I know how frustrating it can be to not be able to remember, and how it can be tempting to tell yourself you just dreamt it, or made it up, or imagined it. I'd say if you are like me, and you may not be, you will be able to sit, reflect, really concentrate and breathe, and you just know. You know this was a part of your life, and this happened to you, and whether you remember it all or not, accept that it happened, that it is a fact of your life. I would say you will have difficulty remembering or accepting your abuse until you accept that it happened.
I hope this somehow helped, and that whatever it is you need to get through this you recieve it,
stay safe,
Claire

 

[cherryblossom]

You know this was a part of your life, and this happened to you, and whether you remember it all or not, accept that it happened, that it is a fact of your life. I would say you will have difficulty remembering or accepting your abuse until you accept that it happened.

Well said Claire Link Removed- I couldn't agree more. Acceptance is hard - very. But acceptance is one of the keys to recovery

 

[Abrasky]

I have had a lot of experience with getting memories back. Most of these memories were emotional memories, some were whole physical memories, some were time memories (I call them this, it's where I lost the time part of the memory and it's connection to another memory but the memory itself is intact). If you are interested in getting memories back in my experiences psychodynamic therapy and regrief coucelling were the most successful. Memories can be under many layers, you have to peel one layer of memory off to get another one and it can be very time consuming.

 

[Brea]

My whole memory is giant holes. That is the difficult part. Putting it together so atht i can work through the memories. My therapist says that when your brain is ready it will remember and only then will you be able to remember it all. Sometimes I will suddenly remember a pice and it is so traumatic, but piece by piece I am putting it together. Patience is important but not easy at all.
Brea

 

[WonderingWhy]

I do remember I believe all that I experienced. I even know the sequence of events. The only thing I don't know is the length of each incident and the time between incidents. Is this similar for anyone else? Just wondering. Link Removed

 

[kimba]

I also have gaps in time I can't fill. Even within the individual incidents, I only remember part to half of what happened. I have to believe I will remember if and when the time is right even though I am not a patient person. i don't want to remeber if it will cause more harm than good.

 

[SydneyH]

Memory is my big issue. Until seven months ago, it wasn't clear to me that all the weird images, dreams, and behaviors I had throughout the years were connected. That they were part of something.

Stream of consciousness writing has helped me connect to additional memories and emotions. I am talking to my therapist about trying EMDR to recover more. If anyone else has suggestions, will you please, please share?