What If You Don't Remember?

[kimberley dawn]

I was raped 39 years ago, I've seen 6 or 7 therapists since that first rape, and the memories I have of the ordeal just can't be real. The last thing I did now, was writing a letter to one of the by-standers to this event and ask her to tell me what happened. She is the only one still alive.

She was on my voice-mail 5 days later, drunk as can be (or on something else..) and she was talking to another person, - reading from my letter and saying how disturbed I obviously was.

I've given up remembering now. I'll just take my memories for granted and live with it. Sure hope you find something that works for you!!!!

 

[Lizzie Bell]

Memory of my abuse is hazy. I didn't remember until about 8 years ago when I had a trigger. Smells are very strong when it comes to remembering. At least for me. When I did remember it was like I was looking at it from the outside. I saw what was happening, observing, instead of actually being in the picture.

I have struggled with acceptance. When I acknowledge what happened I have a weird sene of peace. When I try to fight the truth, I develope anxiety and depression. That seems paradoxical to me, but it is the case.

So, I go on with life, not denying it, but living as a survivor and dealing with the pain as it comes. Grieving when it is necessary. Getting angry if need be, but always moving forward. It is 3 steps forward, 1 step back. Knowing that this is now, that was then!

 

[Lucycat]

I am not sure that I would want to remember any more or any clearer. Some bits are muddled, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I have to confess that I can't understand the need to recall memories that your brain has worked hard to keep hidden.

 

[rainbow1]

I remember too much. Especially the more violent occasions or when something different happened.

I wish I could get rid of the details, his words, his lies, his smell, his touch. When i'm triggered I become a child again its like living it all over again. But once i've talked about it the memory loses its strength, it doesn't take over my whole body.

I guess knowing too much can be as bad as knowing too little.

 

[kimberley dawn]

I know what you mean, hidden and well ridden :) In my case it's the memories that are horrific and no person could possibly manage to do the things I remember. So I just wanna know the truth as it bothers me with nightmare-like flash-backs almost every time I wake up.

That's terrifying and physicaly painful. Almost every morning. I hope the "truth shall set me free".

What my T told me years back when I asked her why I should bother with well hidden memories was that it could possibly help me with some of my barriers towards people. (I'm surrounded by my brick wall and don't trust anyone..). Maybe I could blame the right people and not expect the same bad things from everyone I get to know.

Don't know. It's helped me a bit, but, well we never get over it all, do we?

 

[Lizzie Bell]

I just want to make sure I know the truth. Since I had pretty much blocked out all conscious memory I want to be sure that my recall is what really happened. I don't want to have false memories, and that's why I wish my memories weren't so hazy.

 

[SydneyH]

I just want to make sure I know the truth. Since I had pretty much blocked out all conscious memory I want to be sure that my recall is what really happened. I don't want to have false memories, and that's why I wish my memories weren't so hazy.

Me too! I have pushed myself so hard, trying to make sense of what I feel, that I am tormented by doubts about what I actually remember. It doesnt help that both my father and my wife have questioned whether it really happened at all. Especially him -- for months he said I was "misremembering" -- so painful.

 

[SydneyH]

Well said Claire Link Removed- I couldn't agree more. Acceptance is hard - very. But acceptance is one of the keys to recovery

A few months ago, I had a moment of acceptance that felt like a milestone at the time. I was donating blood and the AIDS screening questionnaire said: "Have you ever had sex with a male, even once, since 1977?" I started to answer NO, but then realized that was a lie. I was 9 in 1977, and I did have sex with a male then.

 

[Lizzie Bell]

Sydney, it is hard when people don't believe you. I never told my Mom, and don't plan to, that it was her father who molested me when I was 4. I have shared this with my husband and he believes me. We just don't talk about it.

The one thing that has helped me, is sharing with my sister who said it all made sense to her. She was never molested by him, because he picked me out and ignored all the other grandchildren. However, she said my mom would not let us stay alone with him in the living room when we visited. We were older then, and did not see him much.

Anyway, it's those little things that seem to add to the truth of the situation.

 

[SydneyH]

It is great that your sister is validating you. I wish I had that validation.

It's crazy how desperately I want external "proof" or "evidence" of what happened. I have even thought of going to a doctor to see if there could be scarring or something. Too humiliating though -- and after over 30 years, I can't imagine there would actually be anything.

I am going to meet with someone next week to try EMDR therapy. I truly pray it works and helps me make sense of all the disturbing fragments.

 

[Lizzie Bell]

I'll be praying for you, to0. Let me know how the EMDR therapy works. I have heard of this, and wondered if it would work for me.

 

[SydneyH]

I hope to be able to share about EMDR. Thanks for your support!