What Is A Friend?

[ihateusernames]

I wrote several more paragraphs, but erased them because everything I wrote boils down to this: friendship is about acceptance.

I think this applies to casual friends and close friends. The closer a friend the more you know and accept about one another. Casual hangout friends may not know many intimate details, but they know that say; you're chronically late, tell inappropriate jokes, and are generous with your money. They accept these things and continue to interact with you. Best friends have seen you at your absolute worst, know things like that you are intensely jealous, fantasize about, idk, clowns, and that despite your best efforts to hide it you're truly a hopelessly awkward, socially inept geek and they still accept you.

I don't like and outright reject friend rules like *must call or text every day *must be available whenever you need them *must be willing to do x, y, or z for one another. Time passes, life happens, situations change, and you can't hold onto a friendship if it carries a bunch of unmeetable expectations. I've seen quite a few friendships crumble because of this. But hey I might not be the best person for advice because this includes my own relationship with my best friend of 16 years who apparently can't get over the fact that I will not be her daycare provider.

 

[Chava]

Acceptance for sure.

I think the big thing is, really, that I can just be myself around a true friend. There's a real difference. Around people I like, say colleagues or friends of friends I don't know well, I become awkward and talk to much, like tell them all about a f*cking boring meeting. Around my true friends (have had few, and usually just enjoy hanging out as a pair), I find silence feels more natural. We can just sit and comment on totally meaningless things...or we can get into a deep discussion...or either and then spontaneously go for a bike ride or pick up a pizza. I can just be myself, they can be themselves, and it just flows with no major rhyme or reason. It's hard to know what the secret ingredient is, but probably has to do with our personalities matching (all my besties have been extreme nerds)

 

[Tanishq]

@Chava you have straight forward clear views. That's how true friends are. You said you talk too much with new people you don't know beforehand, may be that stems from trying to be friendly with them, possibility?

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm answering this without reading any of the above replies. Then I will read them, as I find this topic very interesting.

An example is someone I used to go out to eat with, ride to church with and call on the phone every day or quite often. Someone who's willing to listen to my troubles, put up with my rare temper tantrums and make suggestions on possible solutions to my problems and in general be there when I need her. On the reverse side, I am a good listener, willing to give hugs, be there on the phone when needed with the proviso that I don't have a lot of phone minutes to spare (though I'm willing to sacrifice quite a few of them in an emergency). Also to share some similar interests would be good, like doing Bible Studies together and maybe reading the same kind of books, so that we can discuss them at some point after we both have read them. (And also share them with one another, so we don't end up buying two books when we only need one. This way we get to read twice as many!). I also think that a friend is someone who is willing to help you and do things for you that you may need.

Two such friends have been lost to me, one listened to her mother, who didn't approve of me as her daughter's friend, and the other who discarded me for a temper tantrum after she broke a promise on me. That last one was kind of more on my decision, as I told myself I could not longer be friends with someone who breaks a promise and then cannot tolerate my getting upset about it. I did eventually understand her position on breaking the promise and forgave her, but the friendship was never the same again after that. So I just worked at finding other friends and left her in the dust of her own making.

WHen I was young, I believed that having many friends was a thing of much benefit. Some would be closer to me than others of course. As I have gotten older, I have valued close friends more, those fitting the above descriptions.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you for all of your replies.

I think that my reply style is evident to some, but I feel the need to explain it as I know it irritates some people. (Why, I don't know, as it seems a little crazy that the way I reply would actually bother someone so much....) But yes, I like to make a post, read the replies as they come in, and take it all in before responding myself. Why? It keeps me from making snap judgments and saying something reactionary in the moment. Not that anything here caused me to have such a response, just thought I'd share for future reference. (I think its called growing! LOL.....)

I've been thinking about the friend issue a lot lately. I realize that quality friendships take time to build. I realize that not everyone is going to be a good friend, and that is OK because not all personalities mesh well, and not everyone has friends for the same reasons.

What do I look for in a friendship? Some sort of connection is important. Support of one another is key. Communication is up there as well. Someone I can be myself around and don't have to constantly be hiding parts of myself from. And of course, someone who brings joy to my life in one way, shape or form. (We all like to have a good time, right?)

The MOST important thing that anybody could ever give me is their time. (This was the MOST important thing I learned in my major in college....time is the great equalizer, we all only have 24 hours in a day, no matter how rich or poor...Hence why I place time above all else, and not just in relationships, but in my life in general.)

And please don't get me wrong when I say "time". I don't mean that I need a LOT of time, because I don't. In general I'm off on my own doing my own thing, so in comparison to "normal" relationships and such, I know damn well that I don't need a lot of someone's time. But, for some reason, I tend to stay engaged with people who have so little to give me. I think I hold on to them because I believe I don't deserve any better.

Today I made a decision. I decided that two of my so called "friends" are not the sort of relationships I want to have, and I am letting them go. I'd call both of them lesser friendships in that the contact is minimal, only by text at this point. I am the type of person who gets very little out of texting. I have expressed (very clearly) my need to get more from the friendship to both of them, and was met with resistance. I want to TALK to them, see them, etc, but I am met with excuses like "I am not a phone person" or "I am busy, texting should be enough" or "I just don't have time to see you".

So maybe you're thinking that these people just don't like me? Who knows. I do know that they keep roping me back in when I try to step away, so its all a puzzle to me. Maybe they like the fact that they only have to communicate with me when they want to, ie only have to put in the minimum amount of work. Uhm, sorry, but that's not how a friendship works! You don't just put in an effort when you have nothing better to do!

I've said it a million times before and now its time for me to take my own advice. Communication is the basis of relationships and if someone can't give me simple communication? Then that's not a relationship I wish to be a part of, whether it be a friendship or something more. I need to let go of these lesser relationships so that I can make time for greater things in my life.

I think much of this post came out of my frustration with feeling SELFISH for wanting someone to spend time with me or even talk to me. I refuse to feel selfish for this since I know for a fact that I'm not asking for 24/7 of their time....nothing near that, actually. And then that selfish feeling just compounded my misguided belief that I want the wrong things out of a friendship, when the truth is that I don't.

Now I need to just let go.

Thanks you guys.

 

[Tanishq]

One more last thing to say. Just recalled and I think that can help to identify friendship is true or not.

See we all have 24 hours. Sometimes we may have time, sometimes we may not have time. A real friend will make time for their friend no matter what. A real friend will make time to nurture friendship. If someone keeps coming up with various excuses, they are not being friendly.

A real friend will listen you, as you would listen to them. Mutual understanding.

Ok. Thanks for letting me say this. I am also struggling to get real friendship.

 

[Changing4Best]

If someone only had the time to text me and could not see me in person nor call me on the phone, I agree, that is not enough to even be a friendship @Solara and so I think your decision is sound in letting them go.

Will you just stop replying to their texts, or what?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

One friend I have given more than enough time to change. This is an ongoing issue with them that I have had for quite a few years now and I will just let things go. I do not plan on replying to their texts anymore as it would essentially be rehashing things that I've already said many times before. That is, continuing any sort of communication will get me nowhere. I've essentially already said goodbye to him anyway.

The other friend I will probably reply to at some point, but I won't be so eager to reply to him right away. If he asks what has changed, I will respond to him honestly. I am open to continuing a friendship if things between us change.