What Is A Healthy Relationship?

[watundah]

Spinning off from another thread, I thought this may be worthy of investigation. I don't believe there is a one size fits all model nor do I believe that relationships are 50/50, rather the pendulum swings continuously.

I have been in a relationship for 21 years (eek!) but it has gone through several evolutions. I have gone from being insecure and controlling in the beginning to almost the exact opposite; we both give each other space and freedom to be individuals. In fact, I went on a month long adventure alone last year and am doing it again next year. She doesn't have the vacation time to go with but won't deny me lifetime experiences. The PTSD in me thrives on the solitude, too.

Sometimes, I think the intimacy is intrusive and I feel myself tense up. I tire of being alone but after a short time of togetherness, I want to be alone again - for hours, not days, though. I usually stay silent about that as I get a lot of solo time while she's at work. Anyway, the dance keeps changing and my spouse gets super big gold stars for keeping up with the beat.

I am digging into deep goo in therapy and some I share and some I do not. She is in therapy too and occasionally discusses my PTSD. I know she continues to hope I will learn to trust in entirety and give more of my heart. Honestly, I am not sure that I know what that looks like. I am not sure I'll ever be who she wants, nor will she ever be completely who I want. So is "happiness" a series of compromises? Interested in hearing from other survivors who have "managed" a long term relationship. I have a good hearted, caring partner who would do anything in the world for me. I sometimes ask, what's wrong with me for not opening myself up unconditionally after all this time?

 

[Friday]

Healthy v Happy v Unconditionally

Those are 3 BIG concepts all rolled up under one roof. I think while they can all go together, I don't think it's absolute that they do? Nor necessarily beget one from another. I've been happy in unhealthy relationships, and not happy in healthy ones. I've never known unconditional love outside of children, but I sure as hell don't open myself unconditionally to them, nor does that unconditional love mean the relationship is happy one, to the contrary, there's no pain like I've ever known in my entire life that is part and parcel with it. Nor, to be frank, does my loving them unconditionally mean a healthy or happy relationship. IME It's not the act of loving, but the actions of living which determines that. Lastly (ish, again, huge concepts with a bare nod at each one) being completely open with someone indicate a healthy relationship, or a happy one.

As far as compromise goes? My personal definition :

Compromise : BOTH people getting what they need. Otherwise it's not a compromise. It's a sacrifice.

Ideal Compromise : BOTH people getting what they need AND what they want. What makes it a compromise is how it's attained to suit both people.

***
My biases coming from having healthy & unhealthy, happy & unhappy, conditional & unconditional relationships over the years... Romantic, Platonic, & Filial... Some spanning decades, most not. Including no romantic relationship that meets all 3 of those core points. My longest romantic relationship (11 years) was profoundly abusive.

 

[watundah]

Yes, I like what you're saying here.
Sacrifice vs compromise is a provocative topic. I think we may do a certain amount of sacrifice in order to keep peace or make someone happy, yet if it becomes habitual and/or all one sided, bad deal and a festering point for resentment.

Another big ole learning curve on this wonky road to recovery. Happy to be less of an asshole now.

 

[EveHarrington]

I haven't managed a long term relationship so you can tell me to shut up and go away if you want to.

I kind of question the unconditional idea as it's just not realistic. Actually I quite dislike that word in the context of relationships as IMHO everything is indeed conditional unless you want to be boundary-less. In the end everyone has their limits and I'd argue quite fiercely that this is healthy------not the Disney-ified notion of "unconditional."

But hey maybe this is just me.

 

[watundah]

I understand. Unconditionally in this case is not Disney-esque, more my list of personal PTSD conditions and requirements getting out of the way...distancing, trust issues, etc. that probably set up perceived limitations. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that a healthy relationship is a win win for both partners. Lots of compromise with both people getting their wants and needs met, and a total acceptance of each other as they are and encouraging each other to be more of their authentic selves. Hope that this makes sense.

 

[Sighs]

No idea.

Don't think I've ever been in one. Sure that my parent's relationship is not it. Seeing what looks like one from afar makes me suspicious. Suspect on closer scrutiny it wouldn't be one either. Wish I was one of those people who can be happy single.

 

[Sandi]

I just started therapy and I'm wondering what a healthy relationship looks like, too. My husband and I both have had a lot of ups and downs, but he's always been very controlling by nature and after talking to a friend (she's Christian) about submission it kind of made sense to me. I don't think it's for everyone, but since I started letting my husband lead we've been so much more happier. I still have a lot to learn though. I like being alone most of the time, too, but he likes having my company. I hope it works out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Sandi, to me and that's just me, that doesn't sound healthy but controling.

Healthy, in my opinion, is you both have friends, a life, alone time and neither sarifices that for that other.

Yes, you are a couple but being a couple doesnt define you or him, nor should it.

I might be miss reading and if i am I appologize.

 

[NaeNae75]

For what it's worth, I have a lot of the same questions you do right now. As both a Sufferer and Supporter, I really try to see both sides, because I'm affected by both.

I honestly don't have a clue what is healthy. But I believe that term is ambiguous. I think healthy and happy are very fluid concepts. I think they change from relationship to relationship and even time to time within a singular relationship. So in order to maintain them, maybe we need to be fluid too.

I know for me, I try to use my grandparents relationship as my baseline for perfection. Their relationship dance was astounding. They were different people who could morph into one when necessary. They were good on their own, but an unstoppable force together. They had their own life, but brought out the best in each other.

I don't know why it is you can't open up to her after everything. I don't know why my s/o can't do it either...


Maybe the fact you realize it is part if the key to figuring it out. If you do, don't forget to share with the rest of us. I know I'm struggling with what to do myself. I know he struggles with guilt from not being able to do that.

I think the fact we are "damaged" makes the dance more complicated...but if we can master it, shouldn't it be just that more beautiful?

I'm glad you have the awareness of your thoughts about this. I wish nothing but the best for you in trying to figure this out. I hope we are able to get back on track too. Right now we are out of sync...hopefully we can make the right adjustments.