General What Is Abuse?

[Jim1965]

Is it abuse when your spouse tells you the following:
1. f-off!
2. I hate you.
3. I hate you f-ing guts.
4. I'm going to make you hate me.
5. I'm going to destroy our marriage.
6. You're a terrible father.
and on and on and on?

I've had conflicting advice. I've had some tell me to set boundaries and leave the room or the house when she's spewing her venom. Others have told not to personalize it, ground myself and try to validate and empathize where possible. What do you think?

I find I can deal with most of this, but after hours of listening I sometimes have a hard time not personalizing it.

 

[amethist]

Hi Jim

I personally would call all of the above abusive, especially if it goes on for hours at a time, and leaving the room when this does happen is exactly the right response. Staying around to be the target is not good for either of you, as it is in a way showing her that you will take anything she throws at you, and it sets you up for the next barrage.

If you have been able to discuss her action, at a time when all is calm and set the boundaries for anything like this, but she still continues, then it is abusive.

Empathy can only go so far. Yes we do understand they are hurting, and sometimes why, and we do understand that their anger does sometime get aimed at us, as we are there. But that does not mean that we should allow it constantly, as this is actually enabling them to release their pent up frustrations and anger on us. They need if possible, to find a release that is not destructive to themselves, those around them or their surroundings.

Going for a run, a bath with calm or loud'ish music can help, doing something positive for themselves before the anger builds up to the abusive point. OK we all know this is not always possible, but it is something that should be aimed for.

Channeling the negative energy into something positive is a good thing to aim for, as this may help soften some of the anger issues they hold inside.

Amethist

 

[Toria]

Hello Jim, no one - carer or otherwise - deserves to be spoken to like that so I would agree with Amethist. A row is row, but ongoing venom and spite is tantamount to emotional abuse. I always used to say that I wished husband had come back with a physical disability because that way it would be obvious what his problem way, and in the same vein emotional abuse is much harder to quantify than physical abuse. There are days that I think I could be making a mountain out of a mole hill, and days when I don't want to go home and would rather drive around or sit in my car rather than face what's going on. I'm not much clearer in my own mind - other people's problems are generally easier to read!!! But I hope that you can find a way of dealing with your wife's anger, as eventually it eats away at you.

 

[Jim1965]

Thank you for your reply. It does eat away at me. Sometimes I think, how can I go through the rest of my life like this? I just have to have faith that she will get better over time.

 

[Jim1965]

I have a question. I know there are many factors that contribute to a sufferer getting better over time. How do you find people adjust as they get into their 50's, 60's and older? If my wife never improves over time will she be like this as an 80 year old woman?

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

[ISupportHer]

I agree that there is only so much one can be expected to take. Repeated abusive comments and actions are not excused by PTSD. I'm not sure what your relationship was prior to this and if there is some other explanation.

Personally, I think that the only factor, well prime factor, with healing is the person themselves. Sure, there are many influences. Therapy, perhaps medications, family support. But the person has to be ready to go forward and do the work.

I think that a lot of times, supporters want to hang on at any cost, when part of what they should be asking is what is this costing ME? You have to save yourself first. That's hard to do. Perhaps I can only say that right now because things are a little better here.

PTSD and depression are here to stay in my relationship. My marriage. We have been married for quite some time and I think that has influenced how things go. I think that things will ebb and flow this way for the rest of our lives frankly. The very presence of all that has happened, altered the direction of things. She remains here because SHE wants to. I have seen other relationships here that ended for various reasons. Some PTSD but some for other reasons too.

So, CAN things improve? Yes. WILL things improve? I think it depends on your wife, her ability to face her trauma and heal. As far as the relationship. That takes two, so it also depends on what you want and your ability to deal with things, etc If your wife is saying all those things in your first post here, then I have to wonder. Perhaps she can work through it but she has to want to be in the relationship at some level.

(((((HUG)))))

Yes, I hug guys too when they need it. :)

ISH.

 

[Jim1965]

Thank you for your reply. She is starting day nine of her latest episode. I think her record is ten. I went to my counselor yesterday. He described her behavior as extreme. I told him I wasn't going to hurt myself, but I told him if I died today I wouldn't care. For the first time he began talking to me about how staying is a choice and I don't have too. She told me last night she wants to get her own place. Part of me says no and part of me says thank goodness. The amazing thing is that she could come out of it tomorrow and be the most loving, caring, fun spouse you would ever want.
This as so horrible. I don't know what the future holds.

 

[ISupportHer]

I told him I wasn't going to hurt myself, but I told him if I died today I wouldn't care. For the first time he began talking to me about how staying is a choice and I don't have too. She told me last night she wants to get her own place..

These are 2 things I wanted to comment on. That you are admitting to yourself, this level of grief and talking to a TH is awesome. I have not really said this out loud, I don't think. I held it in. I can think of others who have said basically the same thing. So I just want you to know you are not the only one.

The second, regarding her wanting to leave. I have not faced that but I can think of 2 specific names of guys who have faced this. Or ARE facing this. I am hesitant to list names but I hope they reach out to you since thet are right there in the same boat.

I don't know what your future holds either. But I hope you continue on your own journey in dealing with a heart breaking situation. Keep postong. Keep searching for your own answers.

ISH

 

[Jim1965]

Thank you very much for your reply. I don't have a problem talking about what is going on. I just want it to stop. I do feel like she is worth the effort. I just don't know where my line is right now.

 

[Prettysmile]

Yea those sound like all abusive language. You cant take back words.

 

[newbie2011]

Verbal abuse can be so damaging and can have long term effects and start to knock your confidence after a while. My ex has said some terrible things to me, things that no one has said to me before and I hope no one else ever will. When my ex was being nasty to me, I chose to ignore his texts which sometimes made him so mad he would end up picking up the phone to me which was ideal as I could always calm him down or I would reply saying 'why are you being nasty, does it make you feel better being nasty to me' then occasionally he would reply saying he was embarrassed by his behaviour.

My ex started intensive therapy (all afternoon sessions with 2 therapists) and initially his behaviour improved, he was opening up more, back to his loving self etc, he's now had 4 sessions prior to us splitting but his behaviour has got worse, no contact, doesn't seem to care, only wanting to do his own thing, letting me down, the anger has returned etc. I know during the sessions they discuss everything that has happened since they last saw him, from the minute he gets up to when he goes to bed, then they then go onto discuss Afghan or whatever the topic as he's told me about the sessions. So the roller coaster ride doesn't stop once the therapy starts unfortunately and I, Jim have had to leave for my own sanity (although I wasn't married).

It makes me sad to read what both sufferers and supporters are dealing with and it seems to break so many people. On the other hand it is lovely to hear the people who do improve and manage to have 'successful' relationships but I feel this seems to be a minority. This forum really is a life line for people involved with this condition. As others have said I think it depends on the PTSD sufferer and whether they feel they can be in a relationship and want to be in one, and if they don't no amount of hoping and loving will change their mind.