Relationship What Is Best Way To Tell A Carer?

[OKRADLAK]

I have seen all the very kind carers here and would like to ask them a few questions.

1. If a sufferer has decided to date, when is the best time that you feel you would have liked to know? I used to tell up front, that scared away people, and now I never tell which leads to tons of lies.

2. Is there ever a time when it's too late to tell. If you were seeing someone for a year and you were all confused by their behavior, and THEN they told you , would you feel relieved or deceived?

3. How do you handle the chaos? In my home, when it gets bad, I do not even bother to take out the trash, comb my hair, etc. Like the living dead.

4.Any other advice?

I ask because a friend of mine has persisted in being a friend to me, though I have had to lie awfully and dodge and make excuses, etc. I have never told him.I am afraid if I do he would just shrug it off anyway. No one really gets it till they see it.

But now I am starting to feel like I am deceiving him. And he is very kind hearted. I have had to realy lay him some zingers.

Maybe it is a moot point. I can't even stand to be hugged.

 

[BigBear]

Maybe it is a moot point. I can't even stand to be hugged.

I'd bet that you can't stand to be hugged because of trust issues. Once someone has walked through the fire with you (and yes, taken some S**t form you), but still come back the next day to wash your clothes, so you can make the T. Then you may even hug that person.

Trust is a very slow process. It takes Lots o' time.

I'm still thinking about your real questions. I promise that I'll get back to you!

Bear

 

[Nicolette]

No one really gets it till they see it.

Here in lies the answer to your question............ you have got to let in him to reality at some point for either of you to even have an idea if anything further is a possibility and what he and you can/cannot cope with.

 

[OKRADLAK]

That is true, Nicolette! And it is a risk. The last two I let in decided they could not handle it and were not too nice about letting me know! "Can't stand your mood swings, " "You are a living, breathing b*tch" which I find SOO FUNNY because I had warned them very very soundly! It was so funny I had to laugh.

The good ones are out there, I can see, and it is inspirational to read these carers!! I will be very careful and now that I know they are there, well, I won't settle for a selfish creep anymore:D

 

[Nicolette]

That is true, Nicolette! And it is a risk. The last two I let in decided they could not handle it and were not too nice about letting me know!

There is the right person for everyone out there - be careful not to tar everyone with the same brush as the last, less desirable situations..... don't blame the future with the past and just proceed with great caution and eyes wide open.

 

[BigBear]

1. If a sufferer has decided to date, when is the best time that you feel you would have liked to know? I used to tell up front, that scared away people, and now I never tell which leads to tons of lies.

I'd like to say I was a good enough person to take it well on the first date. But then everyone has their limits and there is also a shock value here. But think about it a different way. You can't tell just anyone about this. As we have seen sooooo many times, there are people out there who are looking for people to take advantage of. Some of them wear damned good masks. You owe an aughful lot to your self. I'd want to see some level of commitment before I broached serious subjects...

Give them into it little bits at a time. Maybe start with "I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not always all that sane." but then let that do it for the day. Perhaps later on you might talk about what's happening with some of your PTSD friends [NO NAMES]. Just every once in a while. Especially ones that have the odd similarity to you. This way, you also get to know what they think they would do in similar situations.

That kind of thing...

 

[BigBear]

Boy, I really mucked that one up didn't I?

 

[OKRADLAK]

LOL Big Bear! Not at all........I understood. I love the part about talking to them about it using a friend's situation anonymously to see how they respond. That is brilliant! To see their reaction. I always am taken aback, for instance, when someone I am with will comment on the homeless, like, "Faker.........using tax payers' money" etc., as if the person LIKE that?? OMG!!

I could be homeless and they do not know how close I could be to that. I think inside, "When that is me, will you feel the same?"

So yes, it is important to see that. I have not had too many good feelings from anyone about those topics. If they cannot understand the man on the corner, but then understand me, that is not enough. How easy it is to go from"plugged in" to the street is the signing of a single document, missing one payment, one illness......it can be fast.

 

[May1321]

If you know your enemy, you can find them to kill them...

I love this Bear! I truly appreciate the way both you and Angel think. I wish I could believe my sufferer thought this way but I'm just glad it seems like he's trying :)

 

[BigBear]

I love this Bear! I truly appreciate the way both you and Angel think. I wish I could believe my sufferer thought this way but I'm just glad it seems like he's trying :)

The worse you start off, the harder it is for you to beat off the demon and let your human side show. But its in there.

Bear

 

[amethist]

Hi OKRADLAK

The living dead comment made me giggle, as that is just how my husband looked yesterday lunch time. I was doing some washing, so brought him a clean jumper and trousers down and told him to change them. (The rest were clean and he had been in the shower). So he did, in the middle of our kitchen.

If you do decide to tell him, you can always point him in this direction, for him to learn how to support you easier. If he says he want to stay around. Or you could print him some bits off for him to read, in his own time. Then take it from there, at you pace, explaining to him that this is the way it has to be for now.

At some point you will learn to trust the right person, this may be the one you can trust. Once they see you at a bad point, this could make or break it, but until then, just ease them in as far as you are prepared to let them in, one step at a time. You can stop at any point you like, until you are comfortable enough to move onto the next.

Amethist

 

[May1321]

Once they see you at a bad point, this could make or break it

Okradlak... You can't hide the bad points, I think all of us understand this from this side but not everyone out there does so I get your fear of that. Just trying to make things work can 'sound' like more work than worth while.

That being said, I know that at times in the midst of a trigger that may be affecting us both but primarily my sufferer, that I want to talk when my sufferer doesn't want to talk about it. I think the thing that has kept us somewhat going in getting to know each other better has been that I seem to be important enough for him to be willing to at some point discuss that 'bad moment' so that we can get through the next moment with a bit more ease.

The points are still bad and different every time, but they are getting farther between. If your guy is still around after the bad point, and if you're ready to do so, I think it can help you both learn so that maybe the bad points aren't so bad, or at least more manageable for you both together as a unit.

What I've noticed, in my sufferer, however, is he has looked for my open understanding and a consistent sticking to my values. In our moments where we've talked about things, we've had to work on it but create an understanding of what the other needs in order to communicate. Short and to the point helps, and then if he starts to feel anxious, he lets me know and we change the subject. He knows that some days I have bad days, and I know he has a lot, but he's explained and I've watched that being true to him isn't all of it, it has been being true to myself and MY beliefs. So I would suggest not rushing into giving your guy all of your info but as everyone said, bits and pieces when the times aren't 'bad' so that you can see what type of person he truly is to himself and therefore then to you. Good Luck :)

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