What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

[Friday]

I know I am tired, but I feel left behind. Or maybre excluded?

Attempting to catch up is exhausting. Whether one is talking catching up to other people, or one’s own to do list.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Friday yes. I have never been big on uncetainty or disappointment, am quick to avoid the risk or reality involved with the potential of either. Maybe disappointment drives the apathy, which isn't really apathy but uncertainty. Or avoiding being otherwise potentially out of place or in the way. Even though the disappointment of feeling that hurts me. But so does the feeling or realities of exclsuion if I view it that way, that I have enough evidence it's true and don't avoid it. Hope that even makes sense.

ETA, I learned something with the 2 rescue dogs, they need(ed) an invitation. That is, even this one you have to invite her, often. Maybe that's how it goes- how one is or becomes because of how one starts, and that doesn't really internally change? It is something different than reassurance, it's a certainty of sorts. Which is why only when you can do something entirely by yourself is there the most certainty. I may choose avoidance simply because it is as certain as possible. Limiting, perhaps, but stress reducing too. And maybe the best, there is that possibility too.

 

[Tinyflame]

I cried seeing my dear friend's dtr's obit. So hard to know what I can do for her.

 

[Friday]

f*ck putting criminals in prison… just make them fill out the -mountains-of paperwork for each of their crimes & I predict the crime rate to drop exponentially.

I am not grouchy. (Yes I am).

I hate paperwork.

Volgon motherf*ckers.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk the words, but there seems to me a necessity to be able somewhere or somehow to be safe, calm and the pressure off first in order to be able to get to a cognitive or heart place to recharge, process stuff, get footing,. To put the burdens down I guess. I guess for me it's recognizing my smallness without feeling like the vulnerability is a visible deficit or defect, being able to know and say I can't do it on my own.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think confusion is a red flag for me, to let me know my thinking is past-driven/ not in the present. At the very least it's very unhelpful to me.

I also think the more practise I have at managing triggers (I've processed as many as I've been able) the more I realize I don't notice the fears and beliefs that come along with the trigger and they are more the gasoline on the fire. I've effectively diluted my reaction to many triggers, but still carried forward the meaning / feeling of why they triggered me in the 1st place and conclusions I guess I drew from it, about myself or others. So a lot of what surfaces is cognitive distortions or beliefs, some of which aren't obvious, starting with more an absence of a positive belief I've never considered or thought possible rather than something negative I'm focusing on, though I can get there soon enough. Hopefully I can get better at recognizing it more quickly and shutting it down or countering it. I guess the unknown is exhilerating to some and terrifying to others.

I do wish I didn't have to consider any of it.

I'm not sure why I exist. Except to say in some small way sometimes I'm like the stranger a person meets on the road who changes their flat tire and then drives away.

 

[Aprilshowers]

My idea of a good time is a coma.

 

[Rose White]

Thinking that recovery is belonging to the living. Thinking that recovery is what it means to be free.

 

[Friday]

My idea of a good time is a coma.

Sleep… it’s like death, without the commitment

Although anterograde amnesia, and waking up from a coma elderly? Are 2 of my greatest fears. I have this thing about being awake, no matter how hard it is. #chronic insomnia

 

[intothelight]

Overwhelmed by how much I've missed out on and been blind to the past two years.

 

[Friday]

Yesterday - I thought about what needed doing… but didn’t do them.
Today - I did some of those things, but still discounted them.

Because those things are ‘normal’ (or impossible).

Faaaawk.

 

[Friday]

19 20 21

2 days and a wake up.

Get stubborn. Power through.

If I can make it to the 21st? All will be right. Some will be right. Chance to be right.