What Is The Difference Between Intrusive Thoughts And Voices?

[theshadowoftheliving]

First, sorry for not being more present and helpful to others lately. I've been struggling.

But a question that is currently terrifying me:

I've been really stressed and overwhelmed. Work is crazy. The stress of being dropped by my last therapist and trying to start with another one has been so much. And when I get overwhelmed, I feel scattered and get nervous about holding it all together. I start doing weird things like hiding in public bathrooms. I think about jumping in front of trains. I stop feeling real and start to spend time staring at my hands and wondering how they belong to me.

And what is the scariest thing right now is that I keep hearing myself say things aloud that I don't really mean. Things like "Why can't I die?" and "I hate myself." Sat today and watched my hands look so unreal. Suddenly I heard myself talking - "This body isn't mine. This body isn't mine."

What is happening? I feel insane. I'm fighting so hard to not hide in corners or disappear into myself or lose it completely. I'm scared too about what this means. I don't want to think these things. And I'm scared because my new therapist keeps asking me things that are worded almost exactly like the language of the diagnostic criteria for dissociative identity disorder ...

 

[mrsmegan]

I wish I had some more detailed advice for you - I just wanted to encourage you to talk to your therapist about all of this.

I know I had to talk about some suicidal ideation recently - it was not fun at all and it makes me feel totally broken and "too far gone" - but the thing is that he can't help me if I don't tell him what is going on.

When do you see him/her again? Do they know what is going on?

 

[Sandstone]

I share your sorts of experiences, and your anxiety about them. I'm also grappling with the issues of whether this is some diagnosable dissociative disorder.
I know my symptoms get worse under stress, as you describe. After a tough week I watched the room flex in and out of 3D on Friday night. I completely agree that the idea of DID makes me feel insane.

Your title asks about the difference between intrusive thoughts and voices. For our purposes, I don't think there is much of a difference. I like the idea of these experiences being an intrusion from a dissociated area of ourselves. So my intrusive thoughts, which can be quite gruesome, and things I hear or say " You have no right to exist" " Someone should shoot me", all seem to me to be part of the same thing. I see it as being a bit like a hernia, which is just an area of weakness in muscle. When we put it under strain by heavy lifting etc, some of the soft tissue underneath bulges through. I think dissociative intrusions bulge through when we are under stress. For me, that idea is quite reassuring; it seems to make the whole thing less ephemeral and spooky.

None of that offers you any practical advice, I'm afraid. I'm at the same stage as you, and I don't yet know the way ahead. Perhaps it helps to know we are sharing the experience?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@mrsmegan I haven't told my therapist yet. I'm seeing someone new after my last therapist dropped me rather unexpectedly, so I'm still building basic trust (which is amplified from the last rejection). This all seems like too much too soon to ask .... Which is why I'm here instead.

@Sandstone I like your description and I agree. I think my obsession with the language and diagnostic criteria is the possibility of locating a loophole, a way out, a way to disown this. Acceptance is the hardest part. I know, intellectually, that all a diagnosis would change would be the possibility of understanding more and gaining the perspective and know she to beat deal with what is happening already. I know that. But the knowledge is hard, and the unknowing is the hardest part.

I'm trying not to panic. It's just hard.

 

[Sandstone]

It is hard, very scary, and panic inducing.

I've been slowly sidling up to the idea over many months, but every day I both believe and don't believe it, in succession and often at the same time. I'd like to get it pinned down and defined, but at the same time I don't want to know. Like you, I accept the logic of right diagnosis = right treatment. Also, like you I'm facing the issue of a new T at the same time. I think the only way we are going to find out the truth about ourselves, and about the dependability of our therapists is to talk. Terrifying, isn't it?