What is the Key to Overcoming Daily Challenges When We Have Secrets?

[Tinyflame]

Just wondering if anyone can identify what helps them overcome challenges that other people without ptsd may take for granted as easy? I know avoidance affects us all, and I use exposure therapy, white knuckling, and motivation of a good greater than my own to try to accomplish what I need to. I try to ground with breathing, I try to employ all I've learned to not catastrophize, overthink, or let cognitive distortions lead the way. I am trying not to mindread; to be more trusting; to be more discriminating with who I trust. I am getting better at managing and identifying what is the feeling of being triggered, and working backwards.

But I'm wondering, how do you accomplish that when you cannot control all of your reactions? By that I mean, for example: on a medical or dental level I will not agree to some medical tests, including anything with a sedative, for fear of what I might do or say. (I don't fear it drinking because it's locked down tight). On a personal level, I fear my response to some interpersonal triggers. On a daily level, some things require a lot of energy to hide from others, like when I don't have an exit route, when I'm triggered badly is the worst, and that's been less frequent- a couple of really bad times in the last few years (I entirely bolted). Or, for example, what if I had a FB? (i know they say it's not the end of the world if it shows, or tell (some) people, but I'm not really at that stage at all. And I'm sure I can and do look 'funny' sometimes already, and people could misinterpret, but I'd rather that).

Like even now, my mind should be on one thing, but it goes to other memories or reminders. (No one I am around can tell, but my thought are not all here. But I wish I was more able to turn them off. Silly things remind me of things I wish I didn't think of). Is there a way to put this behind us? Is there a way to forget? And is there a way to just become more 'normal', when it comes to stuff like the above?

What do you do? Or how do you think about it, that enables you to accomplish such things?

I think there are the things from the past we can't say, or even details we just wouldn't say. Well, I should say, just speaking for myself, that I won't or can't say or share.

Thank you so much for any help or advice. Idk how people navigate these things successfully, or get the courage to?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

At the point I’m at, it’s not about eliminating symptoms it’s just about getting better at managing them. Validating my own progress, and not judging when my mind does those things. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of them but they get less and less and less frequent and I try to think more about being grateful that I have healed than expecting complete remission of symptoms.

 

[Ronin]

IME? Take away the secrets power over me / mine, or the fear.

In every case, leverages work only if you let them.

That and me being a crazy coconut ain't a risk to me... it's not a danger if it's out, but a logistical issue of what, where, how much, and it not leaking out in areas it's useless for.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Ronin you are right, there is a difference between secrets, and privacy and discretion. Much of the power of secrets is shame, fear and feared harm, loss or suffering.

But even what could be seen as quirks don't require full disclosure. Those who do care wouldn't care.

More leverage in using who or what motivates, if possible, too.

I suppose if the rest magically disappeared, it simply wouldn't be the issue it is. But maybe focusing on much else interferes with that. Sort of like accommodating and tuning out chronic pain, and taking measures where possible to decrease it. And when stuff happens, stopping and thinking ok, let me stop.

I think too, reducing stress, in all ways possible. They say stress is necessary for everyone, but I think we have so much internally already we need to look for alternate paths. I think someone said too every possible small step forward shores up for the difficult times.

And @Strangelongtrip you are right, I've never heard of gratitude as having harmful effects. They say it helps forge new neural pathways.

Thank you both.

 

[Tinyflame]

Tbh, I don't know what I hoped to accomplish with this thread. Maybe I have to accept I'm the character I am, as not all can be accomplished by simply doing otherwise. On paper it can, but not so easy irl. I'm actually not comfortable revealing stuff or asking for accommodations or help, esp from strangers, irl. In that way avoidance is easier but more like 'me', my internal compass.

I think I just get frustrated the way it exhausts me and complicates my life. I also feel like a square peg in a round world because it does. It's exhausting trying to figure out work arounds, or maintaining balance, even following avoidance.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know much and I don't have the time now to write more, but I know only one thing: I looked up yesterday an article I couldn't see about a Silver Cross mom, and saw yesterday a different one with 4 friends (Veterans, looked like we all look as a group in a bar), all had ptsd and had died by suicide, and the 5th friend said, specifically about secrets: ~ "Tell anyone! Get it out! Pull a cop off the street and tell them if you have to! Just get help!"

I am thankful for today, Remembrance Day, sad where it's impacted my family, friends and others; thankful for all of them; and thankful I asked for help this day years ago- even if it was anonymously, and more thankful still that I received help and kindness (more kind to me than I've ever been to myself) I never dreamed, and yes, I am 'here', still, thanks to it. And people on this forum, and 3 Vets esp (thank you Gary, Al and Ted).

And something true I learned today, if we lost our memories it would be catastrophic. No matter how bad we feel, we can't have only good ones, much as we'd all want to, it's part of the package. But it's a grace to to have memories. All memories. It's profoundly difficult at times, but it also makes us who we are, along with personality and what we value and choose, and who and what we cling to/ with.

I am very grateful. :notworthy: That despite what I have suffered or suffer others have helped me and stuck with me.

No- profoundly grateful. :)

 

[Ronin]

Idk if it might help any, but if this is more about the stress things take out of you, and keeping up appearances, as opposed to risks of exposure and necessity to compartmentalize parts of life... try remembering most people don't really care / use drama only as fun and you can get above that and refuse to play entirely / the worst weapon they have there IS actually getting to you.

You don't owe it to every cruel, petty, misinformed or all three asshole to respond to their attempts at insults.

Others perception of you ain't a mirror of your character. Only a mirror of theirs.

 

[Live2love]

Just wondering if anyone can identify what helps them overcome challenges that other people without ptsd may take for granted as easy? I know avoidance affects us all, and I use exposure therapy, white knuckling, and motivation of a good greater than my own to try to accomplish what I need to. I try to ground with breathing, I try to employ all I've learned to not catastrophize, overthink, or let cognitive distortions lead the way. I am trying not to mindread; to be more trusting; to be more discriminating with who I trust. I am getting better at managing and identifying what is the feeling of being triggered, and working backwards.

But I'm wondering, how do you accomplish that when you cannot control all of your reactions? By that I mean, for example: on a medical or dental level I will not agree to some medical tests, including anything with a sedative, for fear of what I might do or say. (I don't fear it drinking because it's locked down tight). On a personal level, I fear my response to some interpersonal triggers. On a daily level, some things require a lot of energy to hide from others, like when I don't have an exit route, when I'm triggered badly is the worst, and that's been less frequent- a couple of really bad times in the last few years (I entirely bolted). Or, for example, what if I had a FB? (i know they say it's not the end of the world if it shows, or tell (some) people, but I'm not really at that stage at all. And I'm sure I can and do look 'funny' sometimes already, and people could misinterpret, but I'd rather that).

Like even now, my mind should be on one thing, but it goes to other memories or reminders. (No one I am around can tell, but my thought are not all here. But I wish I was more able to turn them off. Silly things remind me of things I wish I didn't think of). Is there a way to put this behind us? Is there a way to forget? And is there a way to just become more 'normal', when it comes to stuff like the above?

What do you do? Or how do you think about it, that enables you to accomplish such things?

I think there are the things from the past we can't say, or even details we just wouldn't say. Well, I should say, just speaking for myself, that I won't or can't say or share.

Thank you so much for any help or advice. Idk how people navigate these things successfully, or get the courage to?

Personally when I try to ground myself or focus on deep breathing without doubling it up with something else (like reading, singing, talking and completely changing the subject, watching an uplifting video, dancing silly, running.. ect.. this helps me so much more because if I just ground myself and do deep breathing without another source it’s almost as it I focus on what is triggering me and ground myself to be trapped in my own damn thoughts, fears, anxiety and worry. Everyone’s different but I just wanted to share what helps me as it just might help someone else too! :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow @Live2love well tbh I think I do find that, breathing as grounding or conventional mindfulness almost worsens things, doubling up and getting distraction and physical energy out (like walking or dancing) is more useful. Thank you! :hug: I think better (or "don't " think, too) even 'moving', something I've done naturally.

if this is more about the stress things take out of you, and keeping up appearances

You know @Ronin, I would have said no, more necessity, but perhaps it is, it's relative. And perceptual, more than just physical. The thought of dealing with the consequences of physically reacting, and the shame. :( Let alone revisiting it. Feels like voluntarily making a tipping point. :( Most people probably however would think the end goal (their health or life) justifies whatever the test process includes, and 'who cares' what others think? I suppose I shouldn't care, either. something that just has to be sucked up. Though most things seem preferable to speaking up, including avoiding medical treatment/ history or the consequences of not getting it.

You don't owe it to every cruel, petty, misinformed or all three asshole to respond to their attempts at insults.

Others perception of you ain't a mirror of your character. Only a mirror of theirs

^^ Thank you very much for that, and your kindness. :notworthy: :hug: Sometimes a person feels too beaten down to willfully expose themself to more challenges that require courage, bravery, exposure, or speaking up, and to deal with more of that response, potentially. Well, that person being 'me'. :hug:

 

[tacit]

Hi Tinyflame ..i don't talk about my trauma(s), period. At best i had a generalised one liner that i would tell a therapist so that they could understand where i was coming from & what i was dealing with. But never any detail or personal in anyway. And it wasn't because of denial or not wanting to deal with or face it. In fact the last therapist i spoke with i was very adamant about not wanting to talk about it at all. That i know what has happened.. all to well aware, but just needed help with my problems now. As far as i was concerned, it was in the past & you can't change the past so what was the point, when we only have now that we can actually do anything about. So that's where i was coming from. But the truth was, it was really because some things are truly unspeakable & in the rare & little that i have ever shared, the reality of spreading trauma through the retelling has proven real to me. But mostly because i just choose to take it to the grave with me, because that is where i believe it belongs.
It's a 'secret' that i have definately felt the heavy weight of burden from. And yes too, at times, to the point of wanting to end it all under the strain of carrying it alone. It has also had the potential to keep me isolated, if i allowed it to. eg. How can i ever feel as though i belong ..& belong anywhere if no one ever gets to truly know me. And how can anyone ever truly know me if they do not understand what i have been through & where i have come from? The thing that not just defines me in so many ways (either directly or not), but makes sense of everything about me & who i am?
I believe in the need to speak things out & there is much benefit & healing from doing so. Fortunately for me, & unfortunately for my husband, i have shared some details, only when i had become terribly stuck & only enough & as a last resort. And there is great healing in receiving the response that i needed at the time back then ..or 'should' have got. But i have also shared the most & practically everything, within my open discussions with God. And while His grace & comfort are incredibly healing, i have also been amazed at just how much 'I' needed to hear it. For myself. I don't know if that makes any sense, but i hope it is helpful.
What i do know is that the more you do the work of recovering, i found the more capable i was to be able to show people what i do want them to know about me. Which essentially, is who am now, today ..regardless of where it comes from. Acceptance was definately a good starting point for me (or at least understanding what acceptance really was: acceptance = accepting a thing to be true, regardless of whether you agree with it or not), which utimately opened the door to further work, which, in the end, led to making peace with it. And with peace, surprisingly, also came belonging.
We are stronger than we know ..& maybe the key is just knowing that it will come. ??

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @tacit , I want to respond, but I can't really get my head around what I feel after reading atm, I just don't know? Thank you though. :hug:

 

[tacit]

No worries @Tinyflame. I hope you're ok & I really appreciate you letting me know where you are at. If i can help in anyway ..just say the word. Take care & i look forward to hearing from you, if it suits. ??