What Is The Point?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Work just cancelled a major contract for me yesterday, which leaves me scrambling to pay the bills. I've been floaty and spacey for days now, struggling to not break down and cry like a small child. I don't feel well. I don't see how I can ever get ahead or have anything be different, and that perpetuity of sadness and struggle makes me want to stop even trying.

I've been thinking about dying more and more. Considering options. Pills, razors, oven, car crashes. The like. I know I'm not supposed to consider it at all but the thoughts are so comforting sometimes and the idea of the future seems so bleak and long and if I'm eventually going to die, why not just get it over with now?

My therapist is leaving and I don't get to see a new one until mid September. I don't even know who that person is. So asking for their support right now is just not an option.

I guess I'm posting because there is part of me that is trying to hang on, but the urge to end it is getting so much stronger and I'm confused about what I really want and what I want to do and I'm a little afraid that I'll just zone out and do something stupid that won't kill me but will make my future even bleaker.

That's all that keeps me around sometimes - the thoughts that a miscalculated attempt would make things even worse.

I just can't do this anymore.

 

[Ka-9]

Im very sorry for, and very understanding of, your sitution. To have all the baggage many of us do, and then to compile it with a severe financial fear is really too much for even the strongest people, and totally unfair. I suffered a year without pay, and even to this day rely on manulife assistance- which is beyond stressful and uncertain, so my empathy is extreme. But, I came out the other side for the better and so can you. I'd bet many others will tell you the same.

As stupid as this sounds, this can be a huge strengthening experience to make you stronger in the long term. I felt panicked, on the edge, hopeless- but I did what I could, went right into a survival mode, and begn embracing a long term minimalist attitude, began severe life hacks, and focused on being ultimately independant and prepared. For whatever reason's, now I don't regret the experience, have a far tougher skin, and a way cooler outlook on what's important in life. Though at the time....yeah....yikes.

Just do not let this thing get the best of you, take advantage of any counselling resource or friendly ear you find, just as you have on here, until you set up with a new regular therapist. I appluad your courage in sharing this.

 

[Friday]

Sometimes? There really isn't a point. There will be one later.

The whole "Now = Forever" thing? Is a lie. It's one that's very freaking useful in an emergency, where the only moment is now, now is what matters, there is absolutely nothing more important / nothing else exists except this moment.

But in regular life? Pfft. It does this. It takes a difficult moment in time and makes it seem like

I don't see how I can ever get ahead or have anything be different,

It's NOT going to be this bleak moment in time, forever. It just isn't. And that's a trick that you can use to pull yourself up short on. If this moment seems like it's going to last forever? It's not real. It's survival-mode shrinking your ability to look at anything outside of what is immediately in front of you. Useful in a fire, but a pain in the ass if you've been fired. Wrong kind of emergency, and wrong kind of reaction to it.

I just did this. For a solid month and a half. 1 thing happened and everything became a catastrophe and jumped on and everything spun out of control. Even though each of those things individually? Pfft. Been dealing with for years. But it tripped me into now=forever. Dammit. Knew it was what was happening, and it still f*cking sucked. When what feels right, versus what I know is right, are 2 different things? Grrrrr. But it passed. Just like it always does. Because now isn't forever. And things change.

 

[shimmerz]

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. A really great read. He gives a step by step solution to the feeling of pointlessness.... and that going through trauma is in itself, sometimes the point. Something that can drive a person to find purpose.

 

[Eagle3]

I really feel this post, cuz I'm going through the same sort of thing. My life has been one tragedy after another the last few months, and I'm wondering if I'll ever find a way out. But I keep trying. Keep looking for options. Try to find ways to make it through the day. And every day I stay alive is the point of trying. Depression, suicide, hopelessness, none of it wins as long as I stay alive and keep trying.

Sending you strength and resilience in tough times...

 

[VikVikViktorious]

I totally relate to the self sabotage aspect. It's like, I'm already a miserable piece of shit, why not complicate things by shit meal after shit meal and not exercise day after day.

I think it feels so good for us to dig out hole even deeper, because then we can atleast say WE were the cause of our suffering. We are going to suffer and die anyway so why not just pack on the stupidity.

Now I'm out of shape and miserable and mentally ill. Joy. But atleast i chose to be a fatass.

I won't be happy when I'm fit and healthy anyway, right?

 

[Sideways]

Watxh out for Victor Frankl when you're really really down. And any books about the Holocaust for that matter! Your brain is switching to suicide because it's an exit strategy, and that's what our brain does. Pain? How do I make it stop? Misery? How do I get myself out of that? Thanks brain, good to know you're doing your job, it's just that particular option isn't the right one.

Why? Everything @Friday said. We're so vulnerable, fighting on the very edge all the time. Problems like finances, relationships, the big stuff - the slightest hiccup and the stress cup overflows. But turning to suicide because of a financial situation that WILL pass is not the answer. There are better days. You know that you have better days, because you don't always focus on suicide like this. There are days when life is good enough to keep on.

And the thing is, as we heal, the better days increase in number, and they get better and better. The days when our brain starts hauling out the suicde option get further and further apart, because we don't need that option anymore. That's how it works.

Your life is worth it. You are worth it. This is a bad time, and we're here with you. But don't give up. Be gentle with yourself, and be patient, because this will pass. That's how life works.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I did what I could, went right into a survival mode, and begn embracing a long term minimalist attitude, began severe life hacks, and focused on being ultimately independant and prepared.

This is what I did a year ago when things were really tough. The problem now is that my life has nothing to cut out of it - I shop thrift stores, I buy in bulk, I don't buy anything that isn't a necessity like food. My budget is down to the smallest it can be without me being homeless.

It's NOT going to be this bleak moment in time, forever. It just isn't. And that's a trick that you can use to pull yourself up short on. If this moment seems like it's going to last forever? It's not real. It's survival-mode shrinking your ability to look at anything outside of what is immediately in front of you. Useful in a fire, but a pain in the ass if you've been fired. Wrong kind of emergency, and wrong kind of reaction to it.

I know that this is true on an intellectual level. But on an emotional one? There is a part of me that is just driving to end it all. Make it go away. Right. Now. If I can get the right part of me online at the right time I'm fine, proactive, etc.

I think that's the problem. There is a part of me that wants to die. But I'm not always sure how to convince that part its a really bad idea when I'm dissociative.

I think it feels so good for us to dig out hole even deeper, because then we can atleast say WE were the cause of our suffering. We are going to suffer and die anyway so why not just pack on the stupidity.

My problem is actually the opposite: a complete and total drive to be "perfect" despite everything. I'm absurdly good at doing all the "right" things most of the time. In fact, this makes it hard for me to get people to take me seriously when I'm thinking suicidally, which is the problem.

Everything @Friday said. We're so vulnerable, fighting on the very edge all the time. Problems like finances, relationships, the big stuff - the slightest hiccup and the stress cup overflows. But turning to suicide because of a financial situation that WILL pass is not the answer. There are better days. You know that you have better days, because you don't always focus on suicide like this. There are days when life is good enough to keep on.

i hope it will pass. But that's the problem. My line of work is so fickle that I'm not sure that it will ever get easier, and that is what scares me the most.

Edited to add: thank you, everyone. I'm trying. I really am.

 

[Sideways]

I can confidently say that your life is bigger than just your work. It may not always feel like it, and work is a big part of how we define outselves. But there is a lot more to you, and you have far more value as a human, than just your job.

You are valuable. You are worth it. And I don't doubt that this is scary and overwhelming and dark and depressing. But it is not permanent. And it is not all of you. You remain worth it, even as the job ebbs and flows.

 

[Ka-9]

I can confidently say that your life is bigger than just your work. It may not always feel like...

I agree- very well put. My work was my identity - more so than myself. Now I'm unique, bit f*cked up, but unique non the less.... Work is simply to pay for some need....passions can be anything I reckon, and are often more defining.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Ragdoll Circus I AM my work. I know I'm not supposed to have that identification, but I don't know who else I am. And the other parts of me? The little kid? The part that wants to hurt me? I just don't want to have those parts. I don't want to be that. I want to be the part of me that goes to work, because that's the part that everyone else likes.

 

[joeylittle]

I AM my work. I know I'm not supposed to have that identification, but I don't know who else I am.

I know that feeling very well. Very, very well.
Do you have animals? I remind myself that there is one thing I am that's not work, for sure - it's that I'm the protector of two little fur-balls. It's a small thing but it helps me. Can you think of one little thing that's not your work identity?