What Is The Right Thing To Do

[hangingon]

You probably already know what you should do. It sounds like you've been wrestling with it a while. Sometimes fears, doubts, worries prevent us from doing the right thing. And if we do the right thing does that mean everyone else will? No it does not ensure anything. You are only accountable for your own actions. Go into every situation fully aware that others may choose to be negative.

 

[Jamie in love]

Right, but by then I will also be open to blame for not informing the grandmother sooner. At 13, if he...

Twenty years ago I was trapped into marriage by a GF who stopped taking her BC pills. I joined the army against my better judgment in order to support her and our child. She promptly abandoned her son and took up with someone else. After severely neglecting the infant. In short order she produced two more children and abandoned them as well. She hasn't shown much interest in any of these children to date.

But her mother is a different story. She loves babies and was eager to be a big part of her grandson's life. I believe she is a good person but somehow traumatized. I would say the same of her daughter, my ex.

I never considered keeping my son's grandmother out of his life. But my mother advised me to do so, based on her judgment of the woman's character. To make a long story short, she was right. My son was exposed to a lot of hate directed at my second wife but especially me. This hateful woman (she makes no secret of the fact that she would like to have me killed and knows people who would do it) spoiled him rotten and did her best to undermine our authority. Especially mine. I fear I will always have a rather difficult relationship with my son.

Having said all that I honestly can't say that I regret the choice that I made. My son's maternal grandmother really does love him. He has never had to wonder who his mother and her family are or if they love him. I have remained true to my principles despite enormous personal cost. I have consistently refused to condemn his mother's family even when my wife and my parents thought I was a fool not to. Surely he will (does?) respect that about me?

On the other hand, one could make the argument that my son has paid much more dearly than I for my vaunted integrity. What can I say except that I felt it would be a form of deceit and I wasn't comfortable with it. I don't look back in anger and I honestly think that is the most important thing.

I hope this helps. Doubtful that it will. I say fess up, honesty is always the best policy.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My ex husband bailed on us (no PTSD there, just a prick). He has no desire to be in my kids' lives, even though he was there in the home when they were babies. He can see them and talk to them as much as he wants... Haven't heard a peep out of him in years. We tried inviting him to my son's graduation... A literal engraved invitation... No dice.

I used to knock myself out trying to foster a relationship between my kids and their family on their father's side. He also had a child, from an affair he had while we were married, that he never met, and that nobody knew about. The mother approached me, and I bent over backwards so my kids would know their half brother.

It was useless, and turned into a shit show. The half-bro is a total delinquent in and out of custody in the juvenile legal system. He only contacts my kids to ask for weed money or a place to crash when he runs away. We won't get into his mother, who I call my "baby-mama in law." Half-bro gets the asking for money thing honestly. My kids' other relatives don't have any interest in being part of their lives. Now that my kids are teenagers/young adults they have no desire to be around any of them. They just turned out to be more sources of pain for my kids. They were more blood relatives who didn't love them.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have bothered. It wasn't my job to fix that mess. It was squarely on my ex-husband's shoulders.

We had plenty of love and happiness in our own little family. They didn't need those assholes anyway.

I can understand the dilemma though. I did the same thing. Hopefully it works out better for you and your little one.

 

[Casey_03]

Thank you, @Sweetpea76 It's a hard decision. I also just had a terrible terrible, nagging thought based on something @Sighs mentioned in her story .... about the DNA test and the mother in the situation she describes never getting one. I just realized something, and it literally made me sick -- the father of my baby could easily be telling people the same thing about me. I don't know why I didn't think about that sooner. In fact, he probably is -- telling people it was a one-night stand and there was no relationship, that the baby is not his, etc. This raises a number of awful questions. Throughout the pregnancy (for the time that he was still around), he never questioned whether it was his -- we had been living together, spending 24/7 together, there was just no chance of it being someone else's baby. We had also talked about having a baby and used no protection whatsoever (sorry if that's graphic). Anyway, in the last conversation I had with this guy, when I reminded him that he'd offered to send me money to pay for the birth, he suddenly claimed it wasn't his baby anyway and we'd never been in a relationship. Then said the only way he'd believe it was his was if I got a DNA test. At the time, I sort of shrugged this off, thinking deep down, he must realize it's his ... but now I realize that he has probably actually convinced himself it's not his, and he will convince his mother and close ones of the same thing if I do inform his mother about the baby. And while it's incredibly insulting to be accused of sleeping around, more importantly, DNA tests cost money ... money that I don't have and will not have in the foreseeable future. So I will look like a liar. And years from now, this guy's family and friends may be telling the same story about me that Sighs did here .... The idea of this makes me physically sick and I spent half the night sobbing at this realization. I've done absolutely nothing wrong and I will now be made out to be a liar who slept around, and I won't even be able to get the damn DNA test to prove this guy wrong. The abuser may have already one.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Casey_03 I don't know how it is in the country you're in now, but most states in the US will establish paternity in order to collect child support and/or get reimbursement for any type of aid the state pays for the child. It's usually no cost to the mother... But you end up involving the father.

That may be something to check into.

 

[Casey_03]

@Sweetpea76 Unfortunately, it's an international matter, so would cost quite a sizeable sum (would involve both Ukrainian and UK courts). Which means he'll get away with just claiming it's not his and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That is Unfortunate. It's hard enough interstate with domestic issues, I couldn't imagine international.

We had our oldest before my ex husband and I were married. I flat out told him that if he wanted a DNA test, that we can go right ahead and get one. "Let's go guy.... Name the time and place. I dont sleep around. I know he's yours, you know he's yours... But I'll play your game. You're the one whose going to be the ass." We never ended up getting one. He just claimed him.

I didn't look at is as an insult, just a power play. If he wanted one, HE could pay for it, and I was 100% willing.

Refusing a DNA test implies you have something to hide, like the woman in @Sighs story. If you are willing to comply, I'd think that'd be a way different story.

 

[Casey_03]

@Sweetpea76 I think it's a power play in my case too, or he's trying to punish me for getting pregnant. But it hurts to know the baby is the one being punished. And even though I am willing to get a DNA test, he will portray the lack of one as me refusing rather than being financially unable. There's something so profoundly unfair about the whole situation, especially to the baby.

 

[mary1979]

The international thing certainly makes everything a whole lot harder doesn't it?

On the bright side however, not having this guy on any paperwork or the birth cert could in the long term be a major plus.

My friend went to France and married her beau, giving birth to their child there which gave little man a dual citizenship in Aus and France.

Unfortunately hubby wound up being a psychopath who beat her almost to death and she was able to flee back here to her family.
They thought all was well, with him safely in Paris
Until one day she went to collect their 4 year old from care and his 'father' had checked him out hours before and got on the next flight back to Paris.

It took 4 years and about 60 grand to have their baby bought home, all because psychopath was on his birth certificate.

I know right now you feel alone and terrified, but this guy taking the exit route now may just save you and bubs a hell of a lot of trauma down the track.

Best of luck with the impending birth, pretty soon you will be staring into the eyes of the love of your life, you wont feel alone anymore, and you will do what is needed to keep you both safe.
Have some faith in you, and your abilities.
You got this Mumma x