What Is The Right Thing To Do

[Stickler]

I would wait until the child is considerably older. About 13.

I think it's the father's job to tell his mom. Not yours. You've never met the woman!

 

[Sideways]

Whatever age is the right age, the International Convention on the Rights of the Child make it a basic right that children are entitled to information about themselves, and to express their opinions on it...at some point the conversation will occur. But the final call rests with you:)

 

[Stickler]

Were I in your shoes I would feel ABSOLUTELY no obligation, moral or otherwise, to tell her.
As I have probably made clear, I would strongly suspect she might cause me trouble I was not expecting and was in no way prepared to handle.

Therefore, to stave off any potential and unforeseen trouble, I would not tell her a damn thing until the child was of age, and then only with my child's permission.

You DO need to establish who would take custody of your child were you incapacitated, I urge you to ask trustworthy relatives and good friends whom you think would make good parents. Get life insurance, too.

 

[Friday]

You already know my feelings on the matter, so I won't repeat.

I would, however, suggest this: Wait.

Give yourself a year to decide. This isn't a decision that you need to be in any hurry to make. Especially if you're planning on never divulging your address to her, and never bringing your child to her country.

Get to know your baby. Get your life in a good place, with your routines down, and all of the "when I'm a parent I'll do / never do" stuff laughed out the window, and everything settled before deciding whether or not to inform her.

There's no rush to decide whether it's crueler to inform someone they have a grandchild they'll never meet, or crueler to keep that information from them. Instead of worrying about what's right for her, right now, spend the next year focusing on you & your little one and making things right in your life, first.

 

[Casey_03]

I would strongly suspect she might cause me trouble I was not expecting and was in no way prepared to handle.

That's the thing, I AM prepared for it. It's an outcome that I have considered and prepared for. I've been considering the myriad possibilities of how this could turn out for the past 6 months; it's not some random whim I'm having. Honestly, I would expect some backlash from the father in the form of nasty, threatening emails sent to me and my family, and even maybe a nasty response from his mother (or perhaps no response at all) if she chooses to believe whatever lies he tells her. But the idea of her showing up to take the kid is beyond far-fetched, it's just not possible under the given circumstances. And I feel like if I wait until the child is of age, he'll hate me for all the time wasted. He will probably blame me already for the father not being around, so if I can at least TRY to have the grandmother around in some form or another, at least I'd be giving him something.

 

[Stickler]

TBH? The reason I said 13 (and I stand by that, absolutely) is that's when they stop being so cute and cuddly. At that point they are really acne ridden and large and somewhat truculent and smelly and sprouting hair in strange places.

...Thus much less likely to be fought over.

Also, by then they have a mind of their own and they will tell you what's on it, whether you like it or not.

If there are unforeseen problems, your teenager will at least be able to firmly and articulately speak for themselves in whatever happens.

 

[Ronin]

Even going with this as risks & costs & gain analysis, I wouldn't tell her.

Even the most immediate reactions from him, you don't need in your life, for your and your child's health.

And probable doesn't a possible make.

She raised the shitbag he is. As far as needing her attention or approval or presence or anything else, that would settle the matter enough for me. She may not be him, but she is not a good influence for a newborn person given apparently she does nothing to be a different person in regards to her son alone.

 

[Casey_03]

Right, but by then I will also be open to blame for not informing the grandmother sooner. At 13, if he finds out I never tried to get in touch with the grandma, he's more likely to be angry about it. Especially since the father will also be out of the picture, and he will probably blame me for that already. I feel like everybody is jumping to worst-case scenarios -- which is fine and understandable, cause I do the same thing and have already done so with my own situation -- but my question isn't really "what are all the things that could go wrong if I tell her?" but "Is it ethical to inform her?" I'm not saying I'm going to. I honestly don't know. I'm certainly not going to rush into doing anything, but my instincts say that I should tell her at some point, and now I'm torn on whether or not it's somehow unethical.

 

[Ronin]

but by then I will also be open to blame for not informing the grandmother sooner

Why does it worry you so much?
Your son needs you, not someone they didn't meet because his father is such a decent person.
And teenager's anger? Please. They throw hissyfits as a show of good development. I wouldn't worry that much about one more added to the list.

 

[Ronin]

"Is it ethical to inform her?"

That's up to YOUR ethics to decide though.

One thing though: It's not unethical to not inform her, take of it what you will.

 

[mary1979]

You want to tell her, so do.

 

[Stickler]

It's not unethical to not inform her, take of it what you will.

Seconded.