Me too! God, I dont feel so alone in that now!
Great way to put that! Oh and I volunteer...
Thank you, it can be hard to express the difficulty managing fight and anger responses around people that feel helpless and were abused by angry people. I've noticed that most of the time its okay with them even if they dont understand it, I'm the one thats getting uncomfirtable.
I've had a few times I've been responded to negatively by someone judging me for anger issues in groups. Like no one will believe you were horribly victimized if you look like you can really kick ass.
I'm not a religious person, but I had lost my faith in anything during my worst years. Before I'd had a sense of spirituality and a higher power, it was gone when some things happened that if there even was a god, I didnt care if he/she knew I hated them. Enough was enough.
That dog saved me in ways that nothing else could have. He was a year old and had been seized in a drug bust where the owners had encouraged the aggression in the dogs they had. He was singled out for being put down and taken by a foster mom that lied about his problem because she fell in love with him, I took him from her because Im in a different county and he wasnt passing the tests from the foster inspecter. I was training him and looking for someone out in the country for him, but there were incidents that made it clear he could never be a pet without a being a danger. I tried so hard for 6 months, even maxed out credit cards and took him to a dog whisperer, lol. I didnt do it, I gave him to someone else who let him run free in forests for a couple weeks and babied him before he went. ( Uh oh crying now aarrgh :cry:)
Anyway, what I was getting at is that I had started to believe that I had become sociopathic. All of my defenses looked like the behavior of people who'd hurt me all my life. I've read enough psychology to know my thought processes were fitting the criteria.
This dog was named True, he got that at the shelter I didnt give it to him. He showed me that he was what I had basically become, and it can cause fear in people and be judged. He saved me from a lifetime of believing I'd become a reactive sociopath. He was was like an angel for me, I think the name he came with was a hint that I should pay close attention to him. I have video of him playing gently with my cat, waiting patiently behind my chihuahua for his treat. But he also looked at you like a wolf, not a dog before he went on attack.
Its not like other dogs, like pit bulls. A wild dog will not even bare a tooth or growl until they are a half second from lunging at your neck. I also believed after watching him select who he tried to attack that he was not random, but had a sense of dangerous energy. Sometimes that dangerous energy might be in a harmless looking 13 year old kid though. Whatever the case was in a situation, I learned to understand that I was no different, a perceived threat, is just that, a percieved threat. I stopped judging myself so harshly when I realized I couldnt change True or judge him for it. He perceived what he percieved and his intention was to survive. He was capable of deep love, loyalty and gentleness. Dogs dont have a reason to fake that, the love was as real as the aggression.
I keep his collar around my review mirror to think of him daily.....and to help me with road rage. :happy:
I'm glad I've met another fight person that also loves and appreciates these wolf dogs.
