Poll What Is Your Stance On Hugs?

[maddog]

An added complication to the hug issue for me is the fact that some of the boundary-respecting strategies that people employ to try to be sensitive about this topic actually make the whole scenario more upsetting and uncomfortable for me. As an example, we are encouraged, at the trauma programme I attend, to acknowledge peoples' varying feelings about hugs and personal touch by always verbally asking to either give or receive a hug or personal touch before proceeding. Obviously this is designed to ensure that both parties feel comfortable, but sheesh... actually discussing it and verbalising the issue absolutely frekes me out and turns what might ordinarily have been a doable hug, if delivered spontaneously, into something I just can't face.

Typical of me, I often find discussing the topic far far more distressing than the topic itself.

Such a pity, and so ironic, that something designed to protect and respect my personal boundaries somehow feels like a violation of them.

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Oh boy. Today I had to deal with this tricky mess of hugging. I was working in my PTSD workbook and I started getting very anxious and upset. I started chewing at my mouth. I wound up closing the book and declaring I couldn't do it.

I was offered hugs. Which.. I wanted. However as awful as this sounds it was hard to receive a hug from my mom. It was easy to accept one from my dad though. The thing about hugging my mom is.. not because she ever abused me.. because she didn't. But that it's very difficult for me to hug people of the same gender. There is this issue about the parts of the body that touch. I won't be graphic. I'm sure you can get the idea.

Anyway as my mom tried to be comforting in her motherly hug for me it was too much too long and too close. I literally had my back arched to try to have some space. I feel guilty because no one knows how uncomfortable I can be.

So many times I just suck it up and deal with my feelings. My mom has no idea I feel this way and I don't think I could ever tell her. It would just confuse and upset her. And that's a "battle" I'm choosing to not get into. But in the meantime that hug was so awkward and uncomfortable for me. It did the exact opposite of what she intended and what I wanted and needed.

 

[Philippa]

I used to love receiving and giving hugs all the time when I was a teenager, but somewhere in my early twenties I turned a bit cold to them, and started to get a better gage of my personal boundaries and that I really deep down did not want people violating my personal space to hug me when I did not give them permission to. Even to this day I hate the way huggers feel entitled to just hug me, and come into my space just because they want to hug me.

I know intellectually that they are meaning well, and that's all well and good, but I still don't want them in my space...but they don't stop to ask. They just assume everyone loves hugs as much as they do and if they don't then they must have problems. I don't think it's always the case though. I wasn't molested as a child, and I didn't have 'bad touch' all through my life, apart from when I was sexually assaulted in my late twenties. I simply don't like people entering my space without asking me first if I want a hug or not.

I will sometimes hug if someone has already invaded my space and there is no turning back, or I do not muster the strength to turn them down, but other times I will physically take a step back and actually say "no thanks, I don't want to hug you." and not feel bad about it, or like i'm being rude. As far as I'm concerned, they are being rude for assuming they can invade my space like that without permission.

People do it so much these days. So many people have no concept of what healthy boundaries are, and don't even realize they are invading someone elses world.

At the same time though...I crave hugs and crave being touched...and I'm a massage therapist, who doesn't get touched enough. I know this is slightly batty, but I am extremely choosy with who I allow to hug me. Nowadays, it's really only my friends.

 

[Chincho]

I like to hug my family and a couple of close friends. My psychiatrist broke my barrier and now I let her hug me and make an effort to hug her back.

The rest of the world, please keep your distance. I need my personal space.

 

[embarr]

Good question. When people initiate hugs, I of course hug them back. I used to be terrible with hugs. I don't consider myself a big hugger. This is something I've talked about with my friend who isn't a big hugger either. I guess sometimes you can feel invaded. I've learned to be a better hugger. I hug my dog. Pets are sometimes the greatest helper when it comes to hugs.

 

[Britt.f7]

My husband and I started doing group hugs with my little terrier mix, Buddy. She jumps up on me if my husband and I are hugging, so I've started picking her up to hug with us. I use to have a dane that squeezed herself in whenever my husband and I hugged. :D

 

[Orglethorp]

I've been getting better with hugs in recent years. As a child I absolutely hated being touched, in any way at all, by anyone other than Mom, my siblings, and my maternal grandparents. It didn't used to matter what the circumstances of the hug were, if it wasn't coming from one of those people, it wasn't welcome. As a teenager I started allowing myself to give and receive hugs with others in condolence situations, but I was usually still quite wary of it all. It has taken many, many years to get to a point of being able to separate friendly hugs from my general dislike of physical contact, but in the last 2-3 years I've been able to actually initiate hugs with others as part of saying hello or goodbye, or in celebration of something, and I'm quite proud of that!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I answered 4 times!

I'll only hug certain people---safe people.

I'm hot and cold on hugs---sometimes I want to hug and cuddle and be safe, other times I'm like "get the f--- away from me!!!" as attributed to Clementine in "Eternal Sunshine".

It goes without saying that it depends on the circumstances.

And of course, only when offered. I know they're *only* hugs, but after a lifetime of rejection, I couldn't bear being rejected for a hug!!

 

[twopenny]

I love Clementine!!

For me it depends. From hub, all the hugs I can get. From anybody else, i have to be in the right mood, and it has to be initiated on my terms. if somebody hugs me without me expecting it (other than hub), I get a bit freaked out.

 

[who am i kim]

Love hugs but I have to be comfortable with it. ;)

 

[KrispyKreme]

I do not take hugs ever. They make me very uncomfortable.

But.. Sometimes I crave a hug, when I am feeling overly anxious or whatever and then I am torn if I should ask the people I trust for a hug. I usually do not.

 

[nomedic1]

I could use a lot of hugs now.