I thought I hit post on this last night, but it's sitting here in the draft form, so... I guess I didn't hit post. Here it is.
I lost my internet again last night. Couldn't get it to work. After about an hour, I gave up and went to bed. I had bad dreams mixed with nightmares most of the night. I don't remember them, thankfully.
I woke up angry, I spent the day angry, everything I did went wrong, I couldn't find anything I wanted to. My wife... my wife seems to be in competition with me. It's something from her past. If I'm mad, she is angry, If I'm angry, she is pissed. I'f I'm pissed... well u get the idea. It seemed like she was trying to outdo me all day, which only gaslighted me back into a rage over and over. I lost track of the times I went into a rage today. Far, far too many.
I finally got the internet to work again this evening. One of the cables doesn't seem to work. One of the things that kept pissing me off was I was looking for a cable to test the line into the modem. I have several, but couldn't find one. Even after I had told the Mrs. that what was upsetting me so badly was I couldn't find a cable to test the line.... SHE HAD ONE! She didn't bring it out till late evening. Hours after I told her exactly what I needed to fix the internet. and guess what? It fixed the line so the internet works now.
I can not begin to describe how I feel right now. Intrusive thoughts all over the place. Suicidal ideation, rage, hate, it goes on and on and on and on. I took two clonazepam to hopefully calm me down. I've only used it for anxiety before, not anger. I'll see how it goes. Maybe my anger is related to my anxiety. I don't know, and I'm starting not to care.
Much more of this and I'll end up in the
