General What Makes Him Think I Should Hold On!

[Tinyflame]

Dear Vickm,

I have been in virtually exactly the same position with a family member I live with. It was like Jeckyl and Hyde, and I became the target. This had a lot to do with alcoholism, possibly undiagnosed ptsd (???), and was explained as I remember 2 years ago to me thru a panphlet called the Merry-go-Round of Alcoholism. It essentially stated that the closest person becomes the "target" for the rage (fueled by fear and guilt), and unless you begin doing things dofferently it will only escalate. I also went through (and still do, at times), the constant stress of they are leaving/ they are not leaving/ Ifinancial co-responsibilities abandoned/ continual fighting, screaming and hatred, directed at me.

I found that the ONLY thing I could do was not respond (recognizing this was in "sickness" and because of guilt), do the best I could to make my own plans financially or otherwise (and not share them with them), and get a support group. What was critical was not only to understand them more, but to start to take care of myself and build an independent life and strength of reserves and resources for myself.

Over time, the fighting decresed immensely, but only provided I continued wioth the above.

I did find that at times like those trying to have a "logical" discussion was like putting gasoline on a fire.

It is a very difficult situation. My heart goes out to you.

 

[fin]

I understand what Junebug has writen here almost completely, it is difficult and myheart goes out to you also. But please just as your other half needs to find his way himself and take care of him so too do you. We can onlybe responsible for our own actions, we cannot make someone else bend to our will and it isnt healthy either for you to be bending all the time for his or him. You can only control your path and that is fraught enough right now from the sound of things please take care of you. You have strength and understanding and if you s choose later when you are ready you can take him back under your terms.

People whether we have PTSD have to want to be with us because they want to be with us, in my opinion. It takes work a relationship and a truely loving and committed realtionship needs to be nurtured and treated with respect if he has no respect for you then it isnt healthy for oyu or your family. I am so sorry I can only hope for oyu that with time he will get help and work through things, please know it is possible to learn to manage this and it may well be that he does and can, until then though he has made his choices and you have to do the same for you. I hope that you wil be able to work through this. Please take care and be safe ~

 

[Vickym]

Junebug and Fin,

Thanks everything you say make sence. I guess when we are the ones in a certain situation and have emotions wrapped up in it, it becomes hard to have a clear understanding.

I am trying to take care of myself which is something I have to admit I didnt do for a long time. I was so caught up in the why is this happening stage.

I want the best for both of us and our kids. This is so hard because when he comes out of these downtimes I see the man that cares and loves. So times I think what happens is he realizes how mean or nasty he has been that he gets upset with himself and goes into shut down.

I can see where he yells and is mean lately because he feels guilty for treating me the way he does. I also think this is why he tries to avoid me because he doesnt want to have to face me or what he has done.

Often when things are on the up he will look at me and say why do you stay? Why ? I tell him baby because of times like this. He will ask me how I get through. I tell him I try to hang onto moments like this. Lately I feel like I should give up he is un touchable right now.

He wont even think of getting help!

 

[Shoka]

Dear Vicky,

My thoughts are with you as you are in a tough roller coaster ride with someone who won't get help.

Just because he doesn't get help doesn't mean that you shouldn't. The emotinal highs and lows are stressful and wearing. I found that having a therapist to talk to helps keep me sane. I've also learned coping skills that I otherwise wouldn't have had.

I have found on those days when my sufferer says things like "why do you stay" he is feeling insecure, guilty and may be experiencing fear of abandonment. I've always been able to give him some reassurance at that point while also gently reminding him of my boundaries. This happened just the other day, he said "I think you're better off withoout me" and I said, "that's not true, I love you and want to be with you, but things are certainly easier when we can talk things out rather than pick a fight". This led to a good, albeit brief dialogue where I gave specific examples.

If he does get help, it will get better even if the road to recovery is rocky.

Shoka

 

[Nicolette]

I want the best for both of us and our kids.

he realizes how mean or nasty he has been that he gets upset with himself and goes into shut down.

he feels guilty for treating me the way he does. I also think this is why he tries to avoid me because he doesnt want to have to face me or what he has done.

Often when things are on the up he will look at me and say why do you stay? Why ?

Vicky, I would really like to tell you all the things you would want to be hearing...and I am guessing you are looking for some hope in this situation.

I personally struggle with posts like yours as I have been there and tried to see the best in men in my past. I knew they weren't treating me right and I knew they had issues but I always tried to look on the good side and often made excuses for them to justify to myself their bad behaviour.

It took for me to get assaulted and have my face split open for me to wake up and realise that things don't get better if nothing changes. While I stood in the mirror looking at the blood pouring out of my eye and felt every emotion drain out of my body in order to "protect myself" I realised what I had allowed to happen to me. How could someone who supposedly "loved me" do that to me and then be oh so remorseful. I made a choice that weekend...I realised that if I did not leave I would end up dead....I was in an abuse cycle and each time I "allowed something to be ok" it then lead to a deeper level of abuse. By forgiving him for past misdemeanour's I enabled him.

My point in sharing is that your boyfriend is showing signs that his behaviour is not acceptable by the comments you have shared above. Yet you respond by saying that the good times make up for this. Rubbish, if you are serious about wanting the best for you and the kids you need to start enforcing boundaries and having consequences.

Seriously....do you want to live your life waiting for the "good times" to help get you through? You have some power and responsibility in this if you choose to own it. This is not only about the Sufferer as the Carer plays a part too. Being in love is not an excuse to accept less for yourself.

 

[Vickym]

Nicolette,

I did set boundry lines this is why he is leaving. I told him 2 months ago he needed counceling, we needed couples counceling, and he needed to go away for treatment. Well he did none of the above. I told him if he doesnt do it we wont work.

This is why he is leaving. Im not going to sit back and watch him spend time with everyone but me. Forget it. If he can find it in himself to get up and do things then there should be time for me time for us.

This will be his loss. My pain and the pain of my 2 kid and his sons, but his loss. I am a good person and I stood by his side through the worst of stuff and his baggage so to speak. I made things better for him in so many ways. I guess it wasnt enough.

Now I just need to stop beating myself up and thinking about how in November he was talking about us getting married.

 

[Nicolette]

Take care Vicky

 

[amethist]

Look after yourself and your children. We are here if you need us.

Amethist

 

[Shoka]

Dear Vicky,

"To Thine Own Self Be True" is a motto that is ever so true for me as a carer. It has become my shield of choice. I hope you will be able to stand by your boundaries, your decisions and know that you are taking care of yourself and your children.

Thank you Nicollette for sharing your personal story. Your experience, strength and wisdom on this forum has always touched me loud and clear.

Shoka

 

[Nicolette]

Thank you Shoka :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Nicolette]

Now I just need to stop beating myself up and thinking about how in November he was talking about us getting married.

Just to put the nail in the coffin with my story...he had proposed and we had put a ring on layby some months before. After the incident the police were involved and he was to stay away from me. I ran into him up the street and despite all which had gone on and the police orders he wanted to show me the money he had saved to pay off the ring we had on layby- something he never did while we were together ......Words are meaningless unless they are followed by actions. We sometimes fail to recognise this and hang on to words which only hurt us. :rolleyes: It is also embarrassing to say this as, based on his actions, he must have thought I was stupid enough to take him back. This also opened my eyes.

Vicky, I know how hard it is letting go of a person you loved and thought you had a future with. For me I had to tell myself the person I loved had died and the man who now remained was not the same man.

I could be wrong but it still sounds like your BF is moving out on his own terms. If it was me I would give him a date to move out by and help him pack if necessary. It will only cause you more hurt the longer he stays.

 

[Vickym]

All so true actions speak louder than words!

While my boyfriend is not abusive to me the up and down ride can wear a person down. It he himself that will not allow himself or us to be happy. Im not sure if he will ever realise that as he seems to get sucked back into all the family drama.

I have always said we are not his only stress he has much worse than us. In the end he is the one who makes the choice of who to cut out. I can't sit back and hold on to dreams anymore that will only cause more hurt than good.

In a way the man I knew is gone. The man that I had plans and a future with is gone.

He is trying to find himself but he has to want it not talk about it. As for me I have started to pull away he sees it and hears it in voice. Im not sure when he is leaving and I did offer to help him pack.

Right now Im not thinking so much of the relationship but more of my bestfriend. Right or wrong it is a choice I made. When he leave I will let go of the friendship also. He is going back to counceling and looking into the treatment center again. Again this is all up to him.

As for any of us he could get better if he so chooses or get worse. And there is always a chance of being back in the same boat. No one ever knows what our future holds but I have done my share of praying for he is lost right now.

I have also put our wedding bands up for sale!