What Makes The Flashback Feelings Go Away?

[Tippi]

Hello, everyone......

I am fairly new to this site and have already been so uplifted by the responses to my threads. Thank you.

I have been wondering about something. Most of my inner pain from childhood trauma comes from intense feelings........feelings of shame, rage, sadness, grief, loneliness, despair, etc.

Whenever I experience a trigger, I inevitably end up in one or more of those emotions. And the emotions are intense. They feel exactly as I used to feel as a little girl when my father would get drunk and get his loaded shotgun out and threaten to blow my brains out. Can you imagine? My whole body would tremble, my heart would nearly explode out of my chest, my head would spin, I would get dizzy and feel utter panic. I couldn't think straight. I would feel bursts of adrenaline rushing through my body, but could only stand frozen in terror. There was no escape........there was no help........there was no protection. There was no place to run or hide. My mother did not protect us children, but would get mad at us for being scared!!

Anyway, I only mention that experience to give you an idea of how intense my emotions can be. They are so extremely unpleasant that I often end up wanting to die during these triggering events. I have no idea what to do (just as when I was a little girl).........I have no one to go to for help or protection (just as when I was a little girl)..........I become lost in panic and can't think straight (just as when I was a little girl). These emotional flashbacks are terrifying, shame-based, lonely events.

I would imagine that flashbacks like these are common for people with PTSD. The feelings and the terror and the other emotions, whatever they may be, are simply overwhelming. And if you grew up in a home in which only rage was expressed.........by parents (we children weren't permitted to express ANY emotion, actually but were punished for showing fear, pain, anger, etc)......then you have very few, if any, skills allowing you to calm yourself or to help yourself deal with them. I have to work so hard at talking myself through a flashback, but it's not always possible, especially when I revert back to feeling as I did as a 6-year-old or 8-year-old or 10-year-old girl..............and it is a tremendous conscious effort just to be able to work my way through these flashbacks.

I can get through the flashbacks. I have had hundreds and hundreds during my lifetime, I'm sure.

But I still carry within me the same hurt, pain, rage, anger, shame, loneliness, despair, and anxiety that I experienced all of those years while a child and a teen.

What gets rid of those feelings?

I was just wondering what has helped you. And how you deal with your flashbacks.

 

[FabulousEnding]

The flashbacks and the feelings won't go away for now. Your brain is trying to process all of it and figure out where to store the information. My trauma specialist therapist says your brain is like a filing cabinet and trauma causes all the bad memories to get filed under the wrong dates, so it can bring it up later and figure out where to put it. When you have flashbacks of certain events, your brain is trying to figure out what date to file it under, and once it figures out it was in the past and is no longer happening now or recently, it lessens dramatically. I'm on 3 different psych medications because my adrenaline rush is sooooooo bad. In fact, I had a million food allergies before the psych meds and now I can eat whatever I want.

I don't remember most of my life so I get seconds of memories or pieces and sometimes it adds a second more. My therapist says sometimes people get 5 seconds of a 5 minute memory, and over time as the brain files all of the memories correctly, then they'll get more seconds added to the memory until I can remember the whole 5 minutes. Once that happens the brain has put all of the jumbled up puzzle pieces together appropriately and filed them away.

As far as what has helped me... Lots of medication and buddhism. Oh, and a therapist who specializes in healing from trauma. I mostly go to therapy to say I'm feeling this and this and doing this and why can't I control my actions or thoughts blah blah, and she'll say well its because your brain is doing this to you *draws a diagram*.

 

[FabulousEnding]

Just remember, PTSD is not a flaw with who you are as a person. It's simply a brain disorder caused by being exposed to far too many sociopaths. The wiring got all messed up because of constantly being terrified. It's hard work to reverse it, but it will be worth it one day... At least that's what I tell myself.

My psychiatrist always says (while she prescribes me more medication), "It's going to get worse before it gets better. You are an unusual case in the way your body reacts, but we can give you this medication to help you get through the increase of flashbacks."

 

[Tippi]

Thanks, FE........that's really encouraging to me, especially since I'm suffering a really bad flashback at the moment and all my mind is telling me to do is to finally just end it all! (No reason to worry.........my mind has been telling me that since I was around 3 years old and I'm still here!.......many decades later!)

I hate the anxiety and the panic. I just hate feeling this way.

I wish I could locate a good therapist who understood trauma. I've tried to do a search, but haven't had any luck. Maybe it's a word-of-mouth thing?

I'd be so happy to find a secure, trustworthy person to talk to honestly about what's going on with me.

And thanks for explaining how the brain works to deal with trauma. That's pretty fascinating. And thank you for reminding me that I did not ask for nor did I cause PTSD. How did you know I grew up with an actual sadistic psychopath in as a parent? I did......he met the criteria for psychopathy. And, on top of it, I ended up with a narcissist for a mother. A double whammy effect. Not good for children.

I will try to remember what you said about my brain working to file away these emotional flashbacks. That makes sense.

And thank you for responding. I am very appreciative.....today is a pretty tough day. Last night I was up almost all night, staying in the basement, too, due to our tornado warnings and very severe storms. Not much sleep. And then today I experienced something extremely triggering and stressful. (I finally decided to start a thread about it.......just thinking if I could write about it, I might feel a little better).

Peace to you........

 

[FabulousEnding]

If you ever do feel like you could do something, don't be afraid to go to the hospital. I've gone twice in the last 10 months for suicidal ideation and got sent to two different hospitals. Both times I got put on the right medication and my psychiatrist at home added the 3rd med. You get therapy 5 times a day... individual, group, and a psychiatrist visit daily.

Try calling a couple different counseling clinics in your area and ask if they have any therapist in particular that specializes in trauma recovery. I happened to get mine by pure coincidence. I attend a clinic with several counselors and people often hop around until they get along with one. Plus clinics supply you with nurses, psychiatrists and therapists.

I had the same kind of parents. Sociopathic father and extremely NPD mother. That primed me for meeting other psychos throughout my life that did horrible crap to me. My boyfriend has stopped complaining about his fairly rough childhood after hearing how bad mine was lol.

Yes, the brain is fascinating. I'm sure your local library will have tons of books that can possibly help. I like the author Margaret Wehrenberg because she approaches mental illnesses from a neurological basis and focuses mostly on the brain, and what you can do with what you have. Her book titles are cheesy but they're good.

Hey no judgement here! I'm in a mood like that today too. I had a break last night when I was in a zone and all these memories started pouring out and I talked about them to my bf while crying my eyes out. It was weird. But now my brain is like... well those are filed away appropriately, what's next? Okay here's 10 more horrible memories, now lets spend the next month figuring out where to file them. lol

Yes, remember it's a brain disorder and it's not your fault. Glad I could help. :)

 

[Friday]

One thing that helps me is disrupting the pattern

Right now things are really bad, in part because there is so much in my life that is echoing prior stuff. So then it all just goes spiral, with one feeding the other.

Since you've already identified some of those similarities, you have a way to disrupt the pattern.
As examples:
No one to go to for help/ protection...
- One reason (of many) a lot of PTSD folk get service animals
- There's also here 24/7
- A friend / therapist / other person to call
- A safe place (which can range from very private to very public)
- Making yourself your own protector (martial arts, shooting range, etc.)
- etc.
Not knowing what to do...
- Make a plan. Or a series of plans (like a safety plan, an in public plan, at work plan, etc.). It's crazy how much of a difference just listing out steps to take can make.
- Research
- Therapy
- etc.

 

[FabulousEnding]

I agree with all of those! I did Kung Fu for a while with my father, but I stopped because he was scaring me. It made me feel very strong though. Service Dog is something I'm pursuing right now too so I can get through college. I'm pretty good with dog training so I'm trying to find someone who is giving away a really sweet dog with a good temperament that I can train to be my psych service dog in college.

 

[AlignUpABQ]

Tippy! I totally relate. The only thing that helped me was Trauma Release Exercises. TRE. You gotta go slow. The experience should feel relaxed and/or pleasurable. There are lots of people in the US who teach it and there's a DVD. I've been doing it with a lot of resting and taking my time for 2 years. I never thought I'd say this, but I feel really good. I can talk about my trauma and abuse and those emotions don't take over my body like they used to. And I cried so much of it out. Now when a feeling comes up I can handle it, but it only lasts 3-5 minutes. I feel release after. I had a great therapist and did Tai Chi and a lot of good things for my body--but it took this to help my body let go.