What Makes You Angry Today?

[JarHed]

It all just takes time. You may not believe it now but eventually you may still jump when you hear fireworks, I still do, but you won't get hyper and exhausted from being in overdrive. The beginning is always the hardest. Hang in there T.

Alex, today is Memorial Day in the states. I always think about the guys that I knew that didn't make it back. I still get choked up when I think about them. I don't always remember what they looked like or their names. I'm a bit older so some would say it's age. I'm not sure about that or even why I can't. But I always remember things we did and stuff about them. Sometimes when I'm not trying to think of them I will remember their faces and names. Don't make yourself feel bad that those things happen, they just do. It doesn't mean that you don't care. If you didn't it wouldn't bother you so much.

Jar

 

[Jimmy1]

T,

It has been six years since I got home and unexpected loud noises still get me. The artillery firing on the range 40 km away on a nice windy day can be heard from where I live, and it sounds like the primary of a mortar. I am fine with that now.

With fireworks, every New Year I used to tell my boy he could not go to them as I was a single parent and could not handle them. Last New Years I went to the fireworks, the kiddies one at 8.30 pm not as long and I sat away from the main crowd and held my wife's hand. This year I hope to stay up until the midnight one. You just have to expose yourself to the noises T, eventually it will not be so much of a shock.

 

[tho9900]

Alex I hear you on the names... and ya every once in awhile it is why the f*ck didn't I remember his name.. rest easy bro their names are always in your heart... as a doc, sometime the wierdest thing will happen that reminds me of Phil Neuman etc.. (just one of the names) just don't remember em all at once.. one at a time...

I saw war from a different view... sadly oh so sadly yall were why my specialty existed... honest.. I remember almost all of em now and again... prefer to not go deeper than that but it happens...

 

[JarHed]

I think sometimes it's what's personal for you that you remember. What your own experiences were.

I have two friends that were in Nam about the same time as me. One was in the Army the other was a Doctor. My Army friend was an office worker in Saigon. He slept in an air conditioned barracks, went to the em club every night had a great time there. Never saw a person hurt or anything like that. He knows how lucky he was. That's what haunts him.

My other friend was a surgeon. He doesn't talk much about his experiences. I know from personal experience of being in an OR with others that were severely wounded what that is like. 10 hours of horror a day or more. I was the only person that he'd talk to about it. I think because I just listened, didn't tell him what to do or anything like that. He's finally gone into therapy.

I sometimes remember the faces of people that I only saw for just a moment but will never forget. And others that I spent a lifetime over there with I sometimes can't recall. Guess I'm rambling a bit. I think it's a way for me that helps to remember things that I thought I forgot.

 

[BV101]

today? in real life? nothing makes me really angry. Most of the time I am in the pointless / f**k it mode. Because thats where we are. Thats how life is.

 

[Bill Simmons]

I guess I remember my own name most of the time. Names never stuck in my head much...faces yes...little things are the most clear...a dead VC I took out of the chopper and a picture of his wife and kids fell out of his pocket. I will never forget her face...never knew her name. Memorial Day makes me sad, really sad. It always brings the past right the f*ck to the forefront of my thinking. I try to honor our fallen brothers and sisters who gave there lives in way to many useless causes and a few good ones.

 

[tho9900]

Jar ... I never doubted you.. but ya.. you know where I live... and dammit I was on a self imposed moratorium from here.. but ya... what you said I feel brother.. no I live it.. one day I will spill my guts for now I dance around welcoming new people etc... I dunno... guess I am not rdy to go back there.. and not sure a lot of the death dealers here understand it from my view.. and no offense at all to them... we all did what we did.. I just feel so guilty/ashamed/worthless/disgusted with what I saw and did... and I wasnt up there where the meat met the metal much... I jumped in and out... it was just so hard to understand... and I guess for a lot of us Docs it was omg.. the pain we rained down on them... and I dare anyone to challenge that.. I will go toe to toe... we were no more evil than them... we all had a job...

In the end death is death.. pain is pain... and it sucks no matter who feels it...

 

[JarHed]

Hey Tho

Everybody had a job to do. No one does it alone, no matter what they might think. All the jobs are interconnected with the purpose of completing a task. What ever it may be. My job was tactical in the field, yours was how can we save this persons life, and the surgeons was how do we put this all back together so it works.

Good and Evil are just concepts that people put on things. Which catagory it falls into depends on which side of the fence you're standing on.

In the end death is death.. pain is pain... and it sucks no matter who feels it...

One can not look upon the face of death and in doing so not be changed.

Jar

 

[Alex1991]

Good and Evil are just concepts that people put on things. Which catagory it falls into depends on which side of the fence you're standing on.

Jar

I know what you mean by this Jar and i do agree with you on the most part.

But id say somethings i witnessed in afghan were "evil" done by others in my unit.

War changes a man....but i think some people were already sick.

 

[JarHed]

War changes a man....but i think some people were already sick.

Hey Alex

I agree with that as well. It brings out the best and worst in mankind.

Jar

 

[tho9900]

thanks yall... as yall have seen a recurring theme in my messages lately has been anger.. and ya I have been all about blaming others, the military, my boss... the azzhole down at the pool who stole my glasses and wanted to try to stare me down....

I gotta start with owning the blame here... and no not gonna say this is my fault or did it to myself.. my blame is I should have backed up my last psych appt and gone in sooner... and not agreed that late July was ok with me for the next appt... I shoulda kept up with this back in the early 90's when I was getting seen down at the VA in Beaumont... there's a lot of should haves.. need to start making those some "I will's"

I will see the doc before I am on the crisis hotline with someone talking me down...

I will take my meds they way they say not what I feel is the right dose.. unless it physically is too much of an effect on me....

I will look after my physical health because how can I have a healthy mind with a sick body...

I will stop rescheduling that damn upper GI I don't want to get, although getting a ride there and back does take that out of my hands a bit.

I will stop feeling that how could I have this if I wasnt in the combat that much that caused me to fly out to pick these guys up..

I will believe the docs.. believe the little voice in me that tells me prior to 1985ish there was nothing wrong with my way of thinking... and prior to 1989 - 1990 I was only a little touched.. that now something really is not right and I need to deal with it...

I will stick with this place take the blows as they come and the pats on the backs... and even the hugs when I need them..

I dunno... I need to go bootcamp on myself I think... not in the harsh way but put more discipline into my treatment and in controlling some of the aspects of this... I know ultimately this is out my of control.. but if I had walked away from the pool this weekend I wouldnt have scared dudes GF and had her make him take her home.. then the guilt... then the anger again cuz dude has a $500 pair of eyeglasses and is getting the last laugh..

I've been running from this, denying it... to myself and sugar coating it to everyone else because I dont wanna deal with it or don't wanna add my burden to yalls problems...

I gotta own it and share the blame... no more deflecting it...

 

[JarHed]

I gotta own it and share the blame... no more deflecting it...

Hey Tho

Every step like this is a leap toward getting better. It's easy to put blame elsewhere. I have a quote, I don't remember who said it, but I have it on the wall above my pc. ' It's easy to look backward and cast blame on others, but more difficult to gaze ahead and take responsibility for your own decisions and your own future'. Good words.

Just remember, you don't have to do it alone. We're here for ya.

And take care of your health. You're a medic, you know how important that is. It's all connected. If you feel lousy physically you won't feel good mentally.

Jar