What My Supporter Does That Really Helps Me.

[angel2write]

I don't know that I've seen a thread like this around. So I created this to ask, what kind of things have you and your partner worked out that really help you? Do you have code words? Special signals? Is there something they do that really helps you calm down or get going when you are down?

Will you please share your experience for those who are at the beginning of this journey and still trying to learn to help each other?

 

[Springer80]

For me a lot I feel I need is touch based. Massage, stroking my forehead, general physical intimacy. The only thing is Id worry if I was getting a bit clingy. But if its given feely I don't stress about it and over time its less of a need.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

What a great thread! Some things I love that he does is:

1. Listens and doesn't try to give advice
2. Discusses the traumas with me when I'm triggered in the present and tries to help me come up with reasons why I was triggered to help me get through it
3. When I'm in a depressed mood, feeling a gnawing inside that I just can't fight and just want to curl up and cry, he cleans out the tub, draws a bubble bath, turns on spiritual music, lights candles, and shuts the bathroom door telling me to relax.
4. He takes me out to dinner when I'm isolating
5. He encourages my need to do activities that make me feel good
6. He reminds me that I've done a lot of emotional work lately and that maybe I should quiet down and give myself the time to process before I go into more
7. He reminds me that I'm going through another thing and that it will pass--that it won't last forever
8. He reminds me that he appreciates all the things I do around the house, but that those things aren't why he loves me--he loves me for who I am
9. When I can't see who I am, he reminds me that he knows who I am and tells me all the wonderful things about me
10. He tells me every day that I'm beautiful and that he is so in love with me--that every day it grows stronger
11. He tells me how proud he is of me and reminds me that I'm so strong for having gone through what I did

I could list like a thousand things. I hope other supporters see this and use these. They really help.

What do you mean by code words?

 

[angel2write]

I really love your list, SN! My husband does some of those things, too. Especially #2, discussing the traumas with me. Being able to talk it over with him helps a lot.

And my daughter has figured out that if I start shouting at myself (or at something I'm remembering) that she can rub my back right between my shoulder blades. I'm not sure why this works, but it's very soothing and calms me down a lot.

What do you mean by code words?

I've heard on other threads where people talk about setting up things to say ahead of time. Phrases or words that can reach through the fog and flashbacks to help the sufferer. I know my husband has come up with a few things he says to me when I'm in the middle of an episode that really help. When he says the wrong things, it can make me much more upset. But when he says the right things, it can be like a life-line. I'll be able to sort of attach to his voice and pull myself up out of the mess and back into reality eventually.

I just wish I could remember what some of them are right now!!! :facepalm:

 

[intothelight]

This is a good thread. Perhaps it called to my attention what I don't let people do.....I don't let them help. I "Lone Ranger" it. Maybe it is time to change that and I will share these ideas with my husband.