Sexual Assault What Should I Think

[James McGregor]

Hi all

When i was roughly 8 or 9 - i cant really be sure, a neighbours male child (slightly older than me), initiated sex with me (im male too). At the time of course i didnt really understand what was happening, and didnt do anything to stop it. There was touching and simulation. I think about this a lot - and i feel a lot of shame about it - it was 30 years ago but its always on my mind. I have tried once to bring it up in group therapy but i felt it was dimissed as "experimentation" - but i doesnt feel right to describe it as such. Should i write it off as simple experimentation?

 

[Teasel]

Hi James,

It doesn't sound like it felt like experimentation to you at all.

So I wouldn't, it doesn't sound like that's how you experienced this at all.

Lots of people who've not experienced things like this seem keen to write it off as something else.

Well wishes

 

[James McGregor]

Hi James,

It doesn't sound like it felt like experimentation to you at all.

So I wouldn't, it doesn'...

thanks for that. i really built myself up to saying it in group, and to have it dismissed so quickly by another group member just really made me feel embaressed and i havent spoken about it to anyone since, im scared to bring it up again in case the same thing happens again

 

[Blackjack]

Hi James, it is not about how others see it that matters. What matters is how it felt to you. If it felt like more than experimentation to you then you have every right to be troubled by it. What I would say is please try not to feel shame about it as it was not your fault, you were not old enough to understand what it meant or what it was about and therefore you had nothing to use as a gauge to tell you to stop him from doing it. To be honest, the other child probably didn't realise the extent of what he was doing either. He had probably seen things on tv (or maybe even caught his parents at an intimate moment) and was purely copying. However, none of this is relevant or matters. What matters is how you feel. If it disturbs you then it's a problem, no questions asked.

Take care and I hope you can work this through

 

[Teasel]

Understand that James. It takes a lot of guts to bring up this stuff and it hurts like hell to be dismissed. Feels like a slap in the face.

Peoole here should understand better

 

[James McGregor]

Hi James, it is not about how others see it that matters. What matters is how it felt to you. If it f...

hi there, thanks. thats whats always troubled me the most, that he was very close in age to me - i feel almost as if i shouldnt be bothered by it, but i really am, it makes me question an awful lot of things - and its always on my mind

 

[James McGregor]

Understand that James. It takes a lot of guts to bring up this stuff and it hurts like hell to be dism...

a few years ago it was really playing on my mind, and i was desperate to get it out - so i spoke to my three sisters about it. however i was really stupid and made it seem as if it was both of us doing it together - i dont know why i did, maybe to make it seem more acceptable. i really wish i hadnt said anything to them - but i was so messed up at the time it seemed the only way to say it and not be judged for it. strange thing to do really

 

[Suzetig]

You're entitled to your feelings about it, regardless of the motivation of the other child (which none of us can know), it's stated with you and is disturbing for you. Are in in therapy or do you have someone who can help you make sense of how you feel? You might find that accepting your feelings about it will make labelling it less important (or not). Whatever you want to call it, it sounds like it was a harmful experience for you and you deserve supper with that.

 

[James McGregor]

You're entitled to your feelings about it, regardless of the motivation of the other child (which none...

im waiting to start therapy soon hopefully, its just the opening of the mouth part which is hard, as soon as i try something just drags it back inside. but i really will try this time around, if for nothing else just to get it out of my head - its always there!

 

[Teasel]

Think it's very common not to be able to say it too. I know I found writing things down
- in a diary sort of way to help me make some sense of it in my head
- and also writing down small sections of it to be able to show a therapist.

Also "talking" about it somewhere like here can be great too

Glad you were able to write about it today :)

 

[James McGregor]

Think it's very common not to be able to say it too. I know I found writing things down
- in a diary...

Thanks a lot, its strange - the first time ive ever talked about it online - feels quite numbing in a way. another aspect of what happened was, although i felt a bit nonplussed by it all, i did know what was expected to happen during male on male sex. i cant think why i would, what kind of age does this knowledge become part of us? i cant think at 8 or 9 i would have seen anything like male on male, but i still knew instinctively what goes where. not really sure what to make of that

 

[Suzetig]

I think there's often an element of "tab A goes in slot B" attached to sex that comes instinctively. We may not be actively taught what goes where or necessarily know for sure but experimentation means testing things out.

Don't forget you're looking at this with the benefit of adult hindsight and applying adult logic, deduction and process to you at really quite a young age. As an adult I think it's natural to question how we knew x, y or z when as a child we just weren't acting from a place of operant knowledge. Children are both inquisitive, curious and they try things without knowing that they're trying something new, if you know what I mean, but into adulthood we don't hold those thought processes.

For simple example, I don't remember learning to ride a bike. I must have done, because I can ride but I don't remember being told how - my parents weren't the type to teach that kind of thing. I guess I just tried, worked it out and started doing it. I might have seen someone else do it, but I don't think I did and certainly don't remember. Most of that kind of thing came instinctively - riding a bike, swimming, skating - had to work it out as I went.

I also don't recall being taught about sex as a small child, but I knew what was happening when my brother raped me when I was very small. I honestly don't mean to trivialise something that's so close and hard for you but you sound like you're trying to find ways for the pieces to fit. Sometimes they go and sometimes they don't but try not to get hung up on figuring it all out - if there's something there it'll surface when it's ready.