Relationship What The Heck Do I Do Now?

[KyGirl31]

Okay so I took a little break from the forum as I just had too. My sufferer had worn me out and I ended up giving up on him as I felt he was unreasonable and my needs were or wants weren't being met. He kept contacting me and I ignored it, after all what's the point he wasn't giving an inch. Then he finally stopped and I was relieved because I wanted him so badly but whats the point right?

He recently contacted me again and such a different man. He has always had a softness to him but extremely..EXTREMELY guarded to really letting anyone " in". Took me a year...A YEAR...I worked to try and get him to see that I wasn't like the rest. That I didn't want him for his house, or business or the way he looked or any of it. I just wanted him. Apparently he's been pretty used.

Anyways now after he saw that I gave up, that I'll walk away..he's ready. He is so sweet and silly and warm and everything I knew he was underneath it all. He talks about hugging me and kissing me and how happy I make him. How special I am and that he's sorry he was too stubborn to admit it. He talks like he sees me in his future. I encouraged him prior to move on. He's an attractive man and can get a woman easily. However he came back to me.

What the heck do I do now? We've been talking and making plans and growing closer and being intimate is right on the verge of happening. However where the heck did this new guy come from? He still has PTSD of course so I'm a little concerned that after we have sex he may push me away. Not sure I wanna risk that. It took a year to get to this point and I built my wall up and I guess now Im not sure what to think, expect or do. Opinions?

 

[Snowangel1225]

I would say walk away. He had his chance and he blew it. You've moved on with your life and it sounds like you were happy until he came back into the picture and stirred things up. If you decide to give him another chance, be prepared to have to go through the whole separation pain again because odds are, it will happen again. Future behavior is best predicted by past behavior.

 

[The Albatross]

I'd take a hard look at the behaviors and actions that led you to walk away from the relationship the first time (you don't really mention those in your post, nor do you have to share them) and maintain platonic contact to let this "new man" flesh out so to speak. Like Snowangel I'd be wary of buying in to the whole thing. He stands or falls/his actions and character can be examined platonicaly as you consider if this man is really able to be a partner and if he is able to keep the progress he appears to have obtained.

Talk is cheep, time and consistency matter. You are not obligated in any way to have or resume intimacy with this person unless or until he has a demonstrated track record. Flags that you missed the first time around may be clearly visible... but not if you get suckered by a bunch of sweet talk.

Weigh it out carefully and keep your eyes open.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I wanna say, yay, go fo it, but... My ex was all you described in year one and then life got more stressful and he slowly started closing up.

I don't remember, is your guy currently in therapy? If so, maybe another chance is possiblthe If not, I'd say be careful. PTSD seems to cycle for a lot of sufferers. I would say you haven't seen the last of the cold guy you saw before you decided to give up. If you can deal with that, then give it a shot, but be careful with your heart. It can be real hell.

I wish you the best! Hugs.

 

[sandnhispants]

Stay! Reap the harvest together...your year long efforts, and his ability to evolve, and climb the mountain to seek you out. The risk of pain remains whether you're in a relationship with him, or someone else.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Just glancing back through your past postings, it looks like this has been on again/off again several times. Maybe you should go back an re-read your own posts to remind yourself of what you went through before? That might help you make up your mind. You are the only one who can make the decision.

 

[Annie B]

Normally I advise people to walk away, to take care of themselves rather than deal with the drama and pain of dealing with a partner who probably won't ever change their ways.

But in your case I don't feel right doing that. I don't know you or the guy but my vote is for not giving up on him and the relationship. Listen to your heart and be very clear with him that you expect him to meet you halfway. If he is serious about committing to you, he will.

My husband's friends told him to cut me loose. Lucky for both of us he didn't. Once I committed to being with him I committed for good and I haven't looked back. Before that I kept running away and was extremely emotionally guarded. I am by no means cured of that and other symptoms, but I'm sure better off with such a solid support system in my life.

Good luck. I hope whatever choice you make brings you peace.

 

[kacee129]

Unless you like riding a merry go round I'd have to say walk away. It's hard... Mine said and did all the right things to be able to come back....all those "right" things disappeared shortly after. Everyone is going to have a different opinion. In the end it is your call. But like Snowangel1225 said, go back and remember why you left the relationship. Good Luck to you.

 

[wolfkitty]

Okay this is what I would say in this situation. Don't get back together because now it feels good. Get back together because you are ready to deal with it when it gets bad again. If you are not ready to deal with it when it gets bad again then I would really question the motives for wanting to get back into the relationship.

I can say this with absolute certainty because I am in the roll of the guy in your life and my boyfriend is more in your roll. He has PTSD too but not as bad as I do and not as volatile :(

The road to healing is a long one and I go through times when I am doing great! In fact I just made it through eight months where I was able to function more or less normally. I still got triggered but not to the extreme that I normally get. However, as the holidays approached and other family issues started happening all my old behaviors resurfaced and the last four weeks have been really rocky.

My boyfriend has made the decision to stay with me not because of the eight months when I was "good" so to speak but that he is better able to cope with the times when I am not using good coping skills. But this is a choice he had to make for himself and thankfully for me he chooses to say with me every morning =)

 

[nursenurse]

For God's sake keep the gonads confined, the both of you!!! Better to fall back in love and know it is for good first and then have sex than to fall back in love because you had sex. Women are hard wired that way, men aren't. Honestly? I would give it a year of proof. He needs to prove that you can trust him, he's the one that left, the one that ignored you. Just because he has said he has changed doesn't mean that he has for good. PTSD will always be at your doorstep, but he has to prove that he will do whatever it takes should he de-stabilize again. History often repeats itself. Slow way down. The bedroom is not a great place for preventing a broken heart again.

Maybe he will allow you to accompany him on a therapy session, and maybe therapy for you separately. Honestly, I don't know why people seem to want to let themselves be kicked in the butt over and over again. Maybe he has improved, but you have moved on too. Figure out what is best for you, but if I was your best friend, I'd be saying "WTF?"

 

[KyGirl31]

Thank you all for the advice it means more than you will ever know! I'm definitely weighing everything.

Nurse I just LOVE your insight always! Really makes me think!

 

[KyGirl31]

Yes he has been in therapy for 11 years faithfully. Although he has been in combat, I do believe a large part of his issues stem from losing his fiancé suddenly 11 years ago.I think he has guilt over trying to move on. However strangely enough his therapist wants to meet me. I'd be the first woman to ever go into therapy with him. He has kept a journal this past year about me and wants me to read it so I can see what he's gone through with trying to be with me. I want to know his feelings and emotions cause it felt like he did not care.