What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

[david b]

I dont want to be reliant on medication or drugs. But I have pushed nearly my entire family away. I am very fun to be around. People love having me around, until the light switch in my brain makes me want to kill everyone, this is not helped by the pictures i have in my head of the people I have killed or seen die. They dont talk to me theyre just their. Does this make me a scitso. I dont sleep much.

 

[Zipperhead]

There's a big differance between scitso and PTSD. Have you gone to see the UMS, have they sent you for any tests?

I know that I too have that light switch. Zero to swinging in .3 seconds. I am new to the PTSD thing and can't really say why the fuse is so anemic. I do know that once I shouted I needed help, help came. (unfortunately, here in Canada you have to shout really loud before any healthcare professional will even acknowledge that you exist.)

I guess being a tanker, I was really lucky. You never see the target up close. I couldn't tell you weither any of my kills were bald or not. And the effects of fire meant I never had to see the results of my handy work. I am not plagued by images in my mind. But others are. They call them Vivid Memories. And they are normal.

So go see the docs. They'll get you set up. If it's time to deal with your issues, then they will help you. It took me along time to admit that I was having those issues, and I've wasted allot of years. I hope to make up for some of those by being there now for my wife and kid. I can't take the last 3 years back, but I can get help now.

 

[Ted Moen]

Nobody likes to be reliant on medication, but trauma can generate changes in brain chemistry that results in interesting and challenging changes in perception which can be helped by medication for some trauma survivors. A mix of therapy and medication is generally recognized as a good approach to the challenge of living with ptsd.

You are not a scitso. I was an infantry platoon leader in vietnam in 67-68. I have many similar images I had to learn to deal with. Many smells. Many sounds.

A little medication and a lot of therapy will help you participate in the relationships and activities appropriate to your situation if you commit to it. Therapy is hard at first, gets harder when you get to the things you need to get to, then everything starts to make sense and things start getting better.

Take good care.

Ted

 

[Jimmy1]

David,

First and foremost, welcome to the forum. We are a crazy dysfunctional bunch, but we do support each other, so any questions, feel free to ask away.

I hate medication too. I hate it so much I even went to the trouble of researching and cultivating my own cross breed of marijuana. I don't touch the stuff now.
With regards to my medication, on numerous occasions I have stuffed around with it. The only thing that happens is me feeling uncomfortable with myself and a lot of grief for my family. I don't have any friends left.

Medication is not a permanent thing. If you work on your traumas and go to therapy, sometimes medicating is only temporary. Right now, I am prepared to take it for the rest of my life. Its better than living with the monster as the alternative.

Cheers

Jimmy

 

[willis williams]

Welcome, I do therapy once a week since I really only started working real on my PTSD Aug 2010. Before I toyed with it and never followed through since 98 and my combat was 93/94. It cost a marriage and a lot of other shit. With therapy I have managed to get off of one med and am going to start on more. I will back off the therapy when I feel I won't fall back into the same rutt that I was in when I was so self destructive. So you are not phsycho your just on that point that you can attack it head on if meds are neccesary with the therapy then give it a shot..

 

[MikeD]

i am the same way and have no idea how to control my thoughts. I just finished a program called starr at the va, and they would tell us to "JUST STOP IT" how messed up is that. Easy for a Texas am grad who has a phd and has never been in combat before to say.

 

[david b]

usmc.. yesterday my fiance (or however u spell that ) had a great day , until my f*cking light switch went off and once i find that minute reason to be pissed off it doesn't go away for hours , i treat everyone like shit during this time period and i cant control it at all , and just received the news that the ones around me , yet again are tired of my shit per-say and state they are being pushed away , is there any one who understands this shit and knows what i can do to keep this person who i love very much ,,, yet i fell she is already gone and once again LOST and ALONE . i truly hate myself ...

 

[david b]

JUST STOP IT that would be nice , huh,

 

[Zipperhead]

I'm glad to see you on here again today, Dave. Sad to hear that todays going for pot again, but you're here and trying. Funny how those words that pissed you off seem to fit, though. Just stop it. Your right, that PHd is useless. How to turn off the switch is the question.

As I write, my grip on reality changes. I guess I stopped thinking at some point, and just started reacting. When I write, it forces me to think. My perceptions have change, ALLOT. It's not that I had control of my emotions before. I didn't have emotions before. I was a robot, programmed to react and drowning the odd feeling at the bottom of a bottle if it dared invade my reality. I have found tears in my eyes allot lately. I have the shakes and my chest feels like someones sitting on it. And all because I have decided to deal with my demons. It's like my body saying "don't do it! You're not ready." But I know my wife is done. If I don't do it now, she won't be waiting at the other end.

I am a coward, afraid of losing my kid, and allowing people to trample over my emotions for fear that if they don't, I'll lose it all. I'm too afraid to keep going without my family, so I'm letting the shrinks have their way in the vein hope that it might change something. I suppose I can be proud that this is NOT the easy way out. I'm going down swinging. But I lost the battle to maintain my dignity. I lost the battle to maintain my pride. I am in it for the ride now. Letting others steer me through the maze. An emotional rollercoaster from hell.

I have not given up my fight. I will control my demons. I will find that off switch.

Al

 

[Ned]

You certainly do not have to be reliant on drugs. But, and this is a statement that gets made a lot, proper medication can help. Because it's up to you, a lot of it. And that bit of assist that reduces the noise, the stress, the anxiety, can help you recognise and take charge.
I'd say I recognise that flip/switch problem you have, three years ago that was me, confused as hell.
It's pattern recognition, like being used to the view from an OP. Eventually you will spot the hints, trouble brewing, and be able to take avoiding action (sometimes).
But don't diss the chemical help. It can give you thinking space and calm the revs down to the point where you can start dealing with things and applying your own solutions, and controls.
Good luck David

 

[Jimmy1]

Isn't it funny how that one little trivial thing can release the demon. Then it takes for ever to contain it.

 

[Ned]

Isn't it funny how that one little trivial thing can release the demon. Then it takes for ever to contain it.

Yep. Day to day. It's like second pressure on a trigger. One little touch then oh shit you've got to catch it before it exits the muzzle.
And that, for us, is the problem. We know the internal ballistics and keeping that pressure off the trigger is hard work.
But on a longer time-scale, I honestly don't know what let the genie out of the bottle. Maybe it's just a time-fuse, tick-tock. UK Combat Stress reckon 14 years as an average. Depends on your stockpile, I suppose.