What the hell is wrong with me?

[LilyRose]

Still alive... came close this weekend but i made it through.
So i talked to my boss.. couldn't get it out but i did tell her i am in a very dark place right now and i can't see the light. I am getting some kind of an emergency appointment with one of the company docs now since my own is on vacation.
I know what you all think but this is all i am able to right now.

 

[Still Standing]

LilyRose, Thank for for the update. I am glad you sought help. We are not going to judge you. You ultimately did what you thought best for yourself. And you did it! You made it through a dark weekend. And you followed through and sought help from the only ones you felt safe with. In the end, this was the best decision for you. The reactions you got from us, here on the forum, was in response to your desperate situation. We wanted you to get care...like right now!!!! We were all concerned for your well being and the you get the best of care from those who would be best suited to help you. In the end, you are going to get some help. This is all that matters. I am so glad you are working so hard at caring for yourself and that you are reaching out. It is enough to simply to tell someone you are in a dark place. That is enough to start the process in getting help. Good job! Keep us posted. We do care and we are here to support and to listen, if you need it.

 

[LilyRose]

Thank you so much.
I try to keep fighting.

 

[LilyRose]

So still haven't seen my doc... having really really bad days last week...
Maybe get an appointment next week. I got a call today from the center where i got diagnosed and where i had my eval a few weeks ago. They told me i still have ptsd and probably depression. Of course the person who has to review my file is on vacation. They might send me to another therapist.

 

[Still Standing]

It sounds like you are on a positive road to getting help. I know it seems like an eternity when you are in an emotionally challenging place, but, you are not being ignored or in any way being put aside. Sadly, often times we have to wait because of scheduling delays. That is hard when we need to talk NOW! Yet, right now you have a reason to look forward and hope for some assistance. You can do this! You have a reason to hope! I am sorry you have to go through more waiting. Hang in there, LilyRose. Keep connected here and continue to let us know how you are doing. You know, we are here and we are willing to walk with you through this with you.

 

[LilyRose]

It sounds like you are on a positive road to getting help. I know it seems like an eternity whe...

Thank you. I am scared about it. Have to admit i am not ok and talk about it.
I am scared of my company doc's reaction.
And what if i mess therapy up again? The last time really messed me up. But with my panic atacks, anxiety, agression and si right now something needs to change.

 

[Still Standing]

Ha! Therapy is for messed up people!!! The one thing that you need to keep in mind is to stay with it. If you quit because of seeing yourself as not being able to "do" therapy, then you defeat your purpose in getting help. You need to stay with it and try as hard as you can to be open and honest with the T. If you are concerned that this doc will not be able to fully help you, mention that at the initial session. Ask him/her to feel free to refer you on to a PTSD trauma specialist, if he feels this is the best for you and he is not trained in this area of mental health. Sometimes we need to take the plunge and speak up for ourselves. I think many of us see ourselves as not able or worthy to get the help we need. We see our defenses and adverse reactions, as obstacles that dictate that we bail therapy altogether. I think it is that sense of hopelessness and being "damaged goods" that we see ourselves as not being capable of receiving and fully accepting the help offered to us. But, we are, you are, the reason so many mental health workers want to help. They truly are want to see us get to place where we can maintain a healthier life. So, I encourage you to not be so worried and hard on yourself. Don't decide you are going to "mess things up". Instead think that you are on your way to get the "messed up things" fixed!:)

 

[LilyRose]

Ha! Therapy is for messed up people!!! The one thing that you need to keep in mind is t...

I did try that the last time. It was my t who wanted to quit. Saying its my tbi and therapy isn't working after 6 sessions. These sessions messed me up more then i was before. Some time before therapy i was managing. I found ways myself. But they wouldn't leave me alone and made it all worse, i am so deep now i can't get out anymore. Not saying they caused it, but they didn't help either.
And then they kept pushing me to do too much at the same time. They never really listened to me.
I am afraid of opening up, getting back there, wich messes me up and then get abandoned again leaving me to clean up by my self. It will be a ptsd trauma specialist as was the last one. They will only send me to one known by them.
The last time i spoke up for myself, i was called agressive and got me in more trouble. so it didn't work for me. There is nothing i can say to make them listen.

 

[Nessa7]

That is absolutely terrible. Tbi is so common that it is really disapointing to hear that your therapist didn't seem to have any idea how to treat you. I really hope that they find you someone much better this time.