Relationship What To Do About Lying And Trust Issues??

[Loving4PTSD]

Ok to make a really really long PTSD story short. My boyfriend has PTSD and we have been together for almost two years now. He takes medication to help with he anxiety issues that stem from PTSD. When I first met him he was taking a whole pill as his daily dose and had been for about a year or so. After about three months of dating, his moods changed a lot and come to find out he had stopped taking his meds all together because he says they make him "feel numb" and he can't "perform" as well and felt like that was going to become an issue in our relationship. Well I explained to him that the issue was that I could not handle the nasty person he would become off of the meds. I made him promise me that he would not go off of them again.

Over the next several months he had a couple more times where he decided to go off his meds and within a week I could tell and we would again have the same discussion of how I need him to be sane more so then to worry about less of a sex life. Again he would go back on his meds.

Now for about the past year he had decided to try taking a half a pill as a dose. For the most part that was tolerable. He still had outburst over little things and at times I found myself walking on eggshells around him but it wasn't as bad as him just not taking any meds at all.

About a month ago we went on our first trip out of state together and actually the trip also involved him meeting my parents for the first time. We talked about it and we came to the agreement that for the week before the trip and until we got back home again, that he should go back to taking a full pill. This was just to help take the edge off of the stress behind us taking a huge step in our relationship, which would be bound to trigger his PTSD. So for that week we were out of town, he was PERFECT. He wasn't nasty, only had one little time where he got set off, but nothing like the past and all and all I really, for the first time in along time, enjoyed being with him and the trip was a success!

Once we got home, he went back down to a half pill and within a week his old, "nasty" personality came back. So after about a month of doing my eggshell dance I sat down and talked to him about how he was so PERFECT and nice to be around on the trip and how I thought that had a lot to do with his meds dose being at a full pill. I asked him to think about that and maybe start taking the full pill again. Well about a week later we had a really bad weekend. He was very nasty to me most of the weekend and everything was triggering him. After he took time to calm down he came to me and said, "no questions asked, I'm going to start taking a full pill dose again". It was him who came to me and I honestly was relieved that he had come to this conclusion.

So I guess making a long story short didn't work, but here is where I need advice about what to do next. So normally his pills would always be on the kitchen counter where we could both see them and remind him to take them. Now ever since he said he was going to start taking a full pill he started to hide the pills in the drawer or on the bookshelf??? I asked him why he was doing that and he said "you're just going to have to trust me". Well after about two weeks of supposedly being on a full pill, I hadn't really noticed a lot of change. He was still getting triggered by stupid little things and I still felt like I was doing my eggshell dance. So I asked him again if he was taking a full dose and many times over he told me he was.

Needless to say, I didn't believe him. When we went on our trip and he started taking a full dose, within a couple days I saw a difference in his behavior. But after two weeks now, I haven't seen any change and he had become "sneaky" about where his pills were kept. So, even though it was my better judgement, I started counting his pills each day before he got home from work. I found out what I already had figured, that he was NOT taking a full pill like he swore to me that he was.

I have not confronted him on this yet. I feel numb inside. When I first confirmed what I had thought all along I was mad. Mad that yet again he was not taking his meds properly. But now after counting the pills for 3 days, I just feel numb because I feel lied to and I hate that. This has turned into a trust issue and I don't know what to do. I know I need to confront him but then what??? I feel like if he can lie about this to me for over two weeks, then what else could he be lying about??

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Not so much the issues with the meds, but the issue of being lied to.

 

[wife of]

Might be that his med taking has become a control issue for him.Think of it as being a little like when a person with annorexia uses food control as they do not feel in control of the other aspects of thier life.
I don't know how you would deal with this other than going at it like a bull at a gate but I can understand why you would be reluctant to do that.

 

[Jet]

I agree that this is possibly turning into a power struggle (reminds me of the situations many parents find themselves in with toddlers and teenagers - not to compare your man to either). However, I don't think your man is lying because he wants to be dishonest...I think he is lying because he does not know what else to do.

You stated that he has explained why he does not like his pills and has stopped taking them in the past - they make him feel numb. Yet because they make him act "perfect" you want him to continue. So he concedes and takes half a pill which doesn't do it for you (you can tell the difference in his behavior) and is probably not really doing it for him either. So now he is sneaking and lying because this has become a struggle (and he is hoping you really can't tell the difference if you don't actually SEE the evidence).

I completely understand that you feel the way he acts off the meds is not appropriate and that you do not want to feel as if you are walking on egg shells. Nobody wants or deserves that to tell you the truth. However, obviously the answer is not in these pills because, while they give you what you want/need they are not doing the same for him.

What else is your man doing to control his PTSD other then take meds...is he seeing a therapist or even talking to his GP? I ask because you did not mention anything and he is clearly struggling and attempting to adjust his meds on his own. I think that he really needs to talk to a Doc about this and see if there is anything else (med wise) he can try. And also, maybe look into things like stress management...

I also think that you need to figure out exactly what your boundaries are and make those really clear. At the same time I believe that you do need to pick your battles and maybe cut him some slack (as long as he is not being violent or stuff like that). Encourage him to talk to someone and figure this out with a medical professional instead of making it a confrontation.

 

[Loving4PTSD]

Thank you Jet, you helped put it into a different light for me. It's just so hard sometime to think about him and how the meds make him feel, because the meds are what controls his moods and outbursts, which in turn effect myself and our relationship. I guess I must have sounded kind of selfish but I honestly didn't realize that until now. I just really want our relationship to be the way it is when he is "ok".

He used to see a therapist long before he met me and went to her for about 4 years, but he was also not in any sort of long term relationship then either. His therapist told him that she felt he was at a point in his "healing" process that she felt he didn't need to see her anymore unless he felt it was needed. In away he took that as that he was "fixed". Currently he still attends AA meetings (even though he has been clean for almost ten years). He says the meetings help keep him grounded and help him deal with his demons from PTSD as well. Which is good.

But as I have tried to explain to him before, his life is different now then it was when he was single. I feel like he doesn't fully understand how to be in a relationship in a healthy way while dealing with PTSD. I have suggested couples therapy to him before and he won't have it. Recently (during the same discussion we had about him agreeing to taking a full pill) I told him that I had found a therapist that deals with PTSD and couples and I told him that I wanted to go and talk to her even if he didn't. He seemed interested in possibly going with me but that he felt I should go myself first. I guess that is a step in the right direction but at the same time I feel like maybe he is just "telling me what I want to hear" just like he did with the pills.

Plus it is still hard for me to accept the fact that no matter how you cut it, he has been lying to me and hiding things from me. I feel like I could accept him taking a half pill IF he would consider a second form of help for us by him going back to therapy. I just know that even bringing all this up will most likely start a fight and so I don't know what to do or when to do it??? :(

 

[ronnalee]

I honestly get what you are saying....'blame-shifting' is a term I have recently come across that describes my sufferers' behavior and he can respond with this without even thinking. He has a need to always be right. So confronting him as gently as I can works best. Because he gets agitated and this escalates when I am angry too.

<It is not necessary to quote the full post above your reply. Thanks Amethist>

 

[Tabitha]

I went through the exact same situation. She told me she was taking her meds and that I should trust that she was but after seeing no change and finding a bottle full of pills (when it should've been nearly empty) I realized that she was lying to me.

I confronted her and got yelled at.

They really do help her moods but it doesn't matter how much I want her to take them unless she wants to take them it's not going to happen.

 

[Sandra]

That is so true Tabitha. You can't make people do things or even sometimes change things. Sad for their sake.

 

[Tabitha]

It was and still is a hard lesson to learn and a difficult situation to accept BUT I'm working on it.

 

[Sgeethi012]

You should be more strong to face this issue.Do not let yourself down.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I think Wife Of makes a great point. Some of us try to control the things that we can. That was/is a very strong statement!

It is always hard to confront someone who does any of these things- whether it is lying about eating, or taking meds., or anything else that is dishonest and feels like a break in trust. And I can admit that when I have been confronted about the issues I try to control I offer extreme reactions. Its a natural reaction to become defensive when we do something that we know is not right, or is bad, and we feel as though we are attacked for what we do. We somehow try to justify it in our minds that what we do is for our own good, even though somewhere deep down inside we know that it isn't of any good at all. But we cannot stop- and the confrontation that comes because of it always feels like an attack, no matter how delicately we are approached. Rock meets hard place.

I have to fix me, and I have to be willing to make the changes needed. Sandra and Tabitha are both right- no one can make anyone else change. If they could, none of us would need to be here on this forum...

 

[Paranoid10]

I'm not sure if what I'm going to say will help or not but here it goes.

I kind of view the control of my PTSD much like a defensive position in a war. I don't rely on just one thing to get me through my problems. I use medication, I go to individual sessions with my psychologist, I go to two separate group meetings. One meeting is a PTSD skills group in which I learn different coping strategies for different problems. The other group is mainly used as a group just to "check in" with others to see how each others' week has been going.

Additionally, I have you wonderful people who I bounce different ideas with and try to help each other get through the daily rigors of life.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it is what you put into it. For me, I can't safeguard my symptoms with just medication. There has to be an infrastructure in order for me to make it happen. Does that make sense?

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Paranoid10- That makes perfect sense! And maybe for those with PTSD are trying to do the same, balancing it out with other forms of control (therapy, support groups, etc) but while eliminating the meds part?

I wish that meds, therapies and support groups were enough for me. They aren't, yet. But I had to acknowledge my problems- have to rather- and that has not been an easy thing for me to do since some of my symptoms are rather extreme- well, anything but simple really.