My husband is emotionally numb. He is better towards our boys than he is with me. In the last 6 months he rarely shows affection. He is in therapy for his PTSD and is on meds. When I try to talk to him about things (because I am becoming seriously burned out) he doesn't want to discuss anything or ways to fix anything. I think he needs more therapy than once a month at the VA. He gets frustrated when I ask him questions and try to see what's going on with him then he just apologizes and accepts that this is just the way he is now. What do you do when they don't want to talk? Should I just leave him alone? I feel like it is for the good of our family we get some kinda plan going but should I just not bring it up anymore?
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Relationship What To Do When Sufferer Doesn't Want To Discuss Feelings
- Post starter ShanaK
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I can only speak for myself as a sufferer... When I feel pressured to talk about anything (especially feelings) it makes me wanna run run run. Knowing I can talk to someone when I need to and the person is going to just listen without trying to fix everything makes it a lot easier.
What does he think?
- Post starter
- #3
HE doesn't want to talk about it more than once a month. He isn't getting better...worse as far a dissociation. And he just kinda shrugs and says this is how I am now.
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- #4
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
The VA suuuuuuuucks when it comes to getting vets the therapy they need.
Trying to get him to talk is going to be like pushing a horse cart sideways. It may be better to hold off while he's symptomatic if it isn't dire.
Have you sought any kind of counseling?
Trying to get him to talk is going to be like pushing a horse cart sideways. It may be better to hold off while he's symptomatic if it isn't dire.
Have you sought any kind of counseling?
- Post starter
- #5
Not yet. Gonna have to tho. Probably will try to get something going for me once school is out for the summer.
Multi like!
It's a bad idea for someone to stand between the exit and me with a "we need to talk"
Who is the "they"?
Another multi like
Looking after yourself is one thing that you can do. Please do not allow yourself to become co-dependant
I might be completely wrong and off my reservation by saying this, so please ignore it if you feel like it's not of any help to you. Here is what crossed my mind when I read the part of your post I've quoted above: Kids often have a different approach to deal with things and situations like that. They don't ask a lot of questions or expect an answer that is explaining everything on an intelligible basis. They mostly rely on what they feel and act based on that instead of thinking about it like adults do if that makes any sense. Maybe that's part of why he's better towards your boys.
The problem I see with this is that therapy and talking about it can only help if he wants it for himself and feels ready to do so otherwise it's just adding even more pressure and stress.
And like sweetpea and Anarchy said try to take good care of yourself! I'm not a supporter so I don't know exactly what you are going through but I can see my parter is suffering too when he feels like there is nothing he can do to help. :hug:
I
Impact22
Several years ago I asked my husband "what happened to you as a child to rob you if your voice? " his answer? "Nothing" 2 years later the memories came flooding back and rocked his world. I know about the trauma and I know the triggers and why certain things bother him that seem unrealistic to me but in his world are very realistic. One of them that makes things worse is when I ask him what's wrong or what are you thinking about. His normal answer is "nothing" because my brain is constantly thinking it makes me feel like he's hiding something AND he is. And its his freedom to play hide and go seek and come out when he's ready instead of me searching him out and tagging him.
Yes, ultimately ya gotta let it go and allow him freedom to heal in his own way. He's not going to tell you everything and it's ok. Trust him, love him, respect him. Know his triggers and partner up along side of him.
As their wives we can fight for them instead of with them but it's up to us to make that choice.
Coming back with a thought or two for you
Therapists have chosen their vocation, trained in it, and have a support and supervision system to help them with the stuff that they will hear from their clients, and for them to be able to help rather than re-traumatise their clients.
Supporters do not have any of those resources available to them, and they are deeply emotionally involved with their loved one.
If your loved one is hiding their feelings,
Then those feelings are probably not safe for them to go anywhere near
They're probably not safe for you either. You do not have training or support.
You can easily sit in your chair and watch unrealistic faked deaths, rapes, injuries and whatevers on TV night after night - because you have no skin in the game. It is very different if it is someone who you care about, describing the real thing. That is if they can even put it into words because trauma flashbacks shut down the speech centre of the brain.
If you do hear that stuff, it can stay with you for a very long time, weeks, months, sometimes even longer (how do I know that?).
Re-traumatization for the person who suffered the trauma and vicarious trauma for the person who hears or reads about it are real. please be careful.
Co-dependency and all of the enabling and passive aggressive behaviours that go along with it are real too, They're very ugly and they are damaging to both people.
please look after yourself first, and respect your loved one's boundaries and limits.
Therapists have chosen their vocation, trained in it, and have a support and supervision system to help them with the stuff that they will hear from their clients, and for them to be able to help rather than re-traumatise their clients.
Supporters do not have any of those resources available to them, and they are deeply emotionally involved with their loved one.
If your loved one is hiding their feelings,
Then those feelings are probably not safe for them to go anywhere near
They're probably not safe for you either. You do not have training or support.
You can easily sit in your chair and watch unrealistic faked deaths, rapes, injuries and whatevers on TV night after night - because you have no skin in the game. It is very different if it is someone who you care about, describing the real thing. That is if they can even put it into words because trauma flashbacks shut down the speech centre of the brain.
If you do hear that stuff, it can stay with you for a very long time, weeks, months, sometimes even longer (how do I know that?).
Re-traumatization for the person who suffered the trauma and vicarious trauma for the person who hears or reads about it are real. please be careful.
Co-dependency and all of the enabling and passive aggressive behaviours that go along with it are real too, They're very ugly and they are damaging to both people.
please look after yourself first, and respect your loved one's boundaries and limits.
scout86
VIP Member
I've got to say, every time I see the title of this thread, I end up fighting the desire to run from the room. "Feelings? They want to talk about FEELINGS????? :arghh;:arghh;:arghh;"
People really talk about that stuff? :nailbiting:
My T has brought up a related topic the past couple of weeks. I honestly don't get it. There's some kind of up side to talking about "feelings". What on earth is it?
People really talk about that stuff? :nailbiting:
My T has brought up a related topic the past couple of weeks. I honestly don't get it. There's some kind of up side to talking about "feelings". What on earth is it?
Purplemunchkin
Gold Member
So well put @Anarchy!
I once, very naively, told hubby he could talk to me about anything. And during our time together he has told me some of the things he saw and experienced as a police officer. The other day he started describing something and I had to ask him to stop. I love horror, thriller, crime dramas, etc on TV but I honestly couldn't deal with the details he was telling me.
I guess it's about trying to be better understood; by others primarily, although I have learned a lot about myself by being encouraged to talk about my feelings.
ETA - As for the original question. If hubby doesn't want to talk about his feelings, he doesn't have to. I leave him to his thoughts and go amuse myself.
OK Scout, so you're another one that it's not a good idea to get between you and the exit then ask about feelings:blackeye:
The "They" is another red rag to me
"All happy families are happy in exactly the same boring way.
All unhappy families are unhappy in their own unique individual way"
paraphrased from L Tolstoy*, The Kreutzer Sonata
___________________________________
* a fellow anarchist.
He contemplated suicide over his marriage, and that short story certainly didn't help things.
The "They" is another red rag to me
"All happy families are happy in exactly the same boring way.
All unhappy families are unhappy in their own unique individual way"
paraphrased from L Tolstoy*, The Kreutzer Sonata
___________________________________
* a fellow anarchist.
He contemplated suicide over his marriage, and that short story certainly didn't help things.
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