What to do?

[Deleted member 541]

I've had a friend since I was a teenager, we were actually born the same day, but she is 1 yr older. We lost contact through the yrs, and hadn't spoken for shit, maybe 30 yrs. then out of the blue about 6 yrs ago, we connected again. It's been a phone friendship, and more recently just email. All is good with this, even if we only email every month or so.

Almost 4 yrs ago, her eldest daughter, who was 45 at the time, was diagnosed with Leukemia. Her daughter kept telling her mom, that when she really needed her she would call. My friend Cathy, always told her that when the time came, she would be on the next flight. On Oct, 24 2013 she got the call, and headed for the airport. I recieved a phone call that her daughter died as Cathy arrived to board the flight. All of us were pretty devastated. I waited a few days, and the called her. She was upset, as would be expected but more worried how she was going to pay for everything that needed to be done.

I knew I had to help, so we made plans to meet, and just before I left I handed her an envelope of money.. $500 to be exact. I had saved for a long time, but knew that I just had to do something. I felt so helpless watching her trying to be so gracious throughout this whole ordeal.

Today, I arrived home, and took in the mail. There was a letter from Cathy and the most beautiful letter from her telling me how wonderful and what a good friend I am. And a check for $500.

I'm pretty stunned, and immediately emailed her and told her that I loved her too but was sending the check back. Honestly I'm having a shit load of emotions right now and don't know what to think of any of it.

I'm sort of upset that she would think after 4 yrs, that I would even think of that money. Or want it back. I'm happy that she thought of it, but sort of pissed and miserable too. It's also dragging up a bunch of shit that I don't want to think about too. Like the fact that I'm estranged from my kid and it could have been her.

What the f*ck??????

 

[New]

I've had a friend since I was a teenager, we were actually born the same day, but she is 1 yr older. We...

I can relate. I am a giver and love to help others. BUT... if someone gives me anything I always feel so bad and desperately try and find a way to give back to them. I'm glad to read your post because it made me see it is something I need to work on. Hope I'm making sense. Just tell her you will not accept the money because you gave it to her out of love and never expected it back. Tell her it will hurt your feelings if she won't take it back.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Faith Andrews The check is in the mail already. I just feel.... I don't know! The subject of the money has not come up since right after she buried her daughter and returned home. She thanked me several times and I would just say, "Cath, there is no need to thank me, I wanted to do something, and did it, end of story."

I just feel blindsided, that after 4 yrs, she'd even think of sending it back. I'm kind of pissed and hurt!!!

 

[New]

I did the exact same thing for my sister and I was so upset. I ended up calling her and telling her I was mad and hurt and explained that I gave it to her never expecting it back. She finally took it back. I told her I never wanted to discuss it again and that I hadn't even thought about it after giving her the money. She said it was a constant in her mind and she had been waiting for the day to pay me back. I say all that to say I don't think she is trying to hurt you or make you mad. She probably just had been waiting for the day she could pay you back like my sister.

 

[Changing4Best]

If you did not say to her that this money was a gift, or that she should not be expected to pay it back, then she did the right thing. It was OK for her to think that you loaned her the money. She assumed that. She was being a good friend by considering that you might need the money, if not today, then some day. She wasn't refusing a gift, she probably didn't even know that you intended it as a gift and always had it in the back of her mind that she owed you the money. If I were in her shoes, that is what I would have thought. That I was supposed to pay it back. So don't feel bad. It was OK for her to send you the money. And it was just as OK for you to send it back to her!

 

[Casey_03]

I'm sort of upset that she would think after 4 yrs, that I would even think of that money.

It might be her way of trying to feel strong again. I know in my own experience, I have borrowed money from relatives in really desperate situations, and when I gave it back, I didn't give it back out of sense of repaying a debt, but a sign that I was getting back on my feet. It was therapeutic for me, and provided some closure in certain situations. That might be why she is giving it back now -- it might just make her feel better. I don't think she felt that you were waiting for it or anything.

I think it's more likely this has stirred up what you mention at the end of the post -- that it makes you think of your own kid. And it's probably a reminder of the pain that your friend went through back then -- and the pain that you experienced as well, just from witnessing the whole thing. I don't remember the circumstances of your situation with your kid, but I think, just for the sake of sorting through your emotions/thoughts right now, maybe you should write a letter to your kid. You don't have to send it, and you don't even have to write it with the intention of sending it ... but maybe for the sake of catharsis, and identifying your own feelings in regards to the incident with Cathy, you should just write to get it all out.

 

[ladee]

It was just as much a loving gesture to send it to you, as it was for you to give it to her to begin with.... In her own way she is telling you thank you , on a much deeper level... that she appreciated you being there for her when she needed you... I heard a long time ago, when we refuse a gift from someone, we are depriving them of blessings... I know she never intended to upset you.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I've been given money when I was desperate and always made it a point to give it back when I was able.

I never offered to give it back in an attempt to diss anyone, I was simply trying to return the love that had been so generously shared with me when I needed it the most.

I knew damn well the folks giving it to me didn't have extra money just lying around waiting to give away, and felt I was just simply returning a favor.

It took me a really long time to accept what ladee mentioned, regarding being open to receiving the gifts of others, as there had always been strings attached to each deed in the past.

There's some deep seated heavy duty emotional stuff directing all those feelings and being projected upon her simple act of trying to return the kindness.

Just when we think we've gone over, through, around, and under all of our own shit, it keeps coming back around again and again to remind us it's an ongoing struggle.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Thanks everyone... I know in my head that she didn't do this to hurt me in anyway at all. I guess the issue for me is this... If I had given her the money for any other reason (car repairs, mortgage payment etc) I wouldn't be upset... But this was to help pay for the burial/cremation of her daughter. I cried so hard yesterday remembering that day, and the days after. The memorial service, how gracious Cathy was, even though her daughter had just died. I hope that she can understand that I just can't accept it, and that she will be ok with my decision.

She emailed me again last night and explained her position, in that she gave it back out of love for the kindness that I had shown her during that time. I emailed her back and told her that I at the time I just wanted to take her pain away, to help her wake up from the nightmare, and to help her a little financially with what she was facing. That I felt helpless at the time.

I'm crying as I type this. I just feel so sad. I just wish she had never tried to repay me. I didn't give it as a loan, or a gift. I just gave it from my heart!!!!

 

[Sideways]

Every Saturday, I visit my grandparents, and every week, without fail, my Grandad gives me a packet of chocolate biscuits to say thank you.

It took months for that to stop being infuriating! I don't want the biscuits, and I wanted him to understand that I was visiting just because, not because I expected his gifts in return.

Eventually, I just started graciously accepting the biscuits. It was important to him. Like, reeeeally important. He needed a way to express his gratitude, more so that I needed to argue with him about the biscuits. He knows I don't show up for the biscuits, but he persists because he's that grateful for me visiting. It's his gesture.

So these days, every week on my way home I drop the biscuits off with a neighbour or mine who doesn't have a cent to their name and seems keen on chocolate biscuits. Grandad doesn't know I do that! But he gets to say "Thanks" to me in his way, which is important to him, and with practice, I've become comfortable letting him express gratitude.

It's a hard thing to do. If this person is the kind of friend that she sounds like, then she wants to let you know she's grateful. She's remembered, and been grateful for, that $500 all this time. She hasn't forgotten what you did for her. It isn't about squaring debts, it's about expressing gratitude. It's not easy to be on the receiving end of a gesture like that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

She has emailed me back and has accepted that I can not accept the check! I was so worried that she wouldn't understand and be offended. I'm so grateful that her and I could come to an understanding that would last through the friendship!!!!