Relationship What's Difficult For Me As A Supporter

[spmitchell3]

@spmitchell3

I commend you on wanting to be the first man to stand by her....

It's hard to say if I'm anything like them or not, she hasn't given a lot of information about them. To a great extent, I would say not. For one thing, she told me the reason she was attracted to me was because I didn't and don't blame her for anything, something they did. I'm also not afraid to apologize and I'm almost always the first one to do it because it's not about being right or wrong...it's about acknowledging feelings. No one has ever done that before. Beyond that, I've been examining myself and one of the reasons I'm on this forum is so I do have a better understanding of what she's going through and how to react and cope with it. The other men in her life never would have put the effort into this. Prior to all of this coming down, I'll be the first to admit that my attitude had become negative...school, mounting student loan debt, a job with no future and no prospects for another job were stressing me out. But when I got the wake up call, I flipped that around. I began looking at what frustrated me...caused me stress and then I looked at how I reacted to it. Our oldest daughter is very challenging because of ADHD. I would get frustrated with her and resort to yelling when she didn't react. I still get frustrated with her...but I recognize it, stop and approach the issue from another angle. Each day, I think to myself - how is it to be married to me? How do I want to be perceived? It hasn't always gone well because sometimes there are things that bug me enough that I feel they warrant being talked about. But most of the time it goes very well and it has made a difference. Our oldest has told me she likes the new daddy and my wife appears happier...more talkative.

As I've said - she must feel something deep inside otherwise she wouldn't tell me that I'm important to her, she wouldn't tell me she still wants me around, she wouldn't tell me she wants me to be here for her, she wouldn't say she wants our marriage to work, she wouldn't tell me to just be patient with her. One thing I haven't mentioned is that our marriage counselor even told me in an individual session that my wife loved me...it was obvious to her that she has great love for me. So, yeah, I hold on to that to help get me through because my wife's EMDR therapist has supposedly stated that she simply isn't ready to work on our marriage right now because of the past trauma. Our marriage counselor has told me the same thing. So I'm simply trying to be patient...and sometimes that is very challenging. On top of that, the therapist I've been seeing says I'm going through secondary trauma as a result of everything going on and that presents its own set of challenges that I need to work on.

 

[Tinyflame]

I must be all-wrong @spmitchell3 in that I would not concur with the therapist (& I'm surely not qualified to be one, just a sufferer ) that the marriage itself (or rather fear of divorce) would be the security you seek (that's the bad news). But I do think from what you've said & her working on it & likely an innate desire to preserve the family unit (in her heart of hearts) that is a good sign.

Best wishes for you & your family. :hug:

 

[VoiceOfReason]

@spmitchell3

I think that it's a very good thing, you realizing you have your own issues and are actively working on them. Good for you! You need to put your emotional health before everything else if you want to be healthy enough to deal with other people. You need to find what makes YOU happy and work with that first and foremost. Maybe you'll get lucky and find that you can be happy AND be there for her when she needs you but if not that's ok too. Life goes on. Not to put too fine a point on it but if you can't be happy without her then you can't be happy WITH her.

@Junebug

I have to completely agree with you and you bring up an excellent point. Security should NEVER come from an external source/person/situation. In theory (I say this because it's very difficult and I have my own troubles with it as well) security should come within. It can be reinforced or destroyed by outside influence but the core security you feel should come from inside you.

Peace and Love,
VoR

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @VoiceOfReason , forgive me as my mind isn't producing much today in terms of 'words' but you are not going to agree with me I think from what you said above, because I guess I was not clear. (Not sure if you are a sufferer or supporter, bear with me?)..

What I meant was, for many or most people divorce (or preventing it) is not enough of a motivator to stay in what 'feels' (I emphasize 'feels' because @spmitchell3 said she has indicated other things) in a relationship where they no longer love the person. I do, however, think numbness is to be expected & would result in that. The key (I think, JMHO) is to realize 'feelings are not facts'. But even more so, if she experiences constriction of thought/ can't remember properly (good) memories or their history anything that helps with that may break through some of the numbness.

I have to completely agree with you and you bring up an excellent point. Security should NEVER come from an external source/person/situation. In theory (I say this because it's very difficult and I have my own troubles with it as well) security should come within. It can be reinforced or destroyed by outside influence but the core security you feel should come from inside you.

You see, I think if security could come from an internal source, I dare say we wouldn't have ptsd. It's more than a re-arrangement of thoughts or beliefs that can reverse the clock/ memories/ changes to the brain; we know there is no 'just world theory' to uphold, no sense of certainty reliving what we do. For 30 years I've strived for that internal security, peace, direction, sense of competency & protection & resiliency. I dare say compared to many I've tried harder, had more faith (belief in God or a HP to me is an external support), persevered longer. And you know what? I've come to the conclusion that external provision of it is like a wheelchair ramp, & I need a wheelchair. My biggest problem is thinking if I work harder, try harder, be more brave, do more, say less, etc etc. I can walk. The question within this question of @spmithchell3 's (to me) becomes "When can the ramp be taken away? Do you see how that kind of semi-conscious belief/ thought affects the attitude, expectations, reactions & understanding etc of both sufferer & supporter alike? Does that make sense?

In other words, I've come to the conclusion (JMHO again, from my experience with ptsd) that this is what they mean by there is no cure. (I) will always need accommodations (the ramp). I will never 'be' someone I am not. My relationships & what I need & what I can give will always be influenced by this. Can it get better? Sure! But it's natural for @spmitchell3 to have the questions he does because for any other non-ptsd relationship that would be valid. I'm not advocating he put up with everything, but by the sound of it a lot's on the line here: his marriage, his family unit, from what he said his heart/ feelings. If she can remember that she will 'feel' when she isn't numb, that's important I think.

 

[Neverthesame]

@VoiceOfReason I wanted to mention something. While i see where your coming from in regards to;

While I applaud your thoroughness in wanting people to understand where your wife is emotionally and how she got there I, personally, would be upset to see the factors that contributed to my PTSD condition aired for public consumption. Just a thought: if she read your posts with you (and perhaps she does, I don't know) would she be pleased to have everyone know what happened to her?

The thoroughness of information is really quite important, not just from the personal need to "get it off one's chest" but as a means for those of us on this forum who are wanting to provide input on the situation. If for example had this person said:
"My wife has difficulty expressing love for me because one time a guy didn't open the car door for her on their first date." My response to this is going to be very different that what I had said in this thread earlier, despite the similarity in end result.

Yes, privacy is a factor. I agree. But one must bear in mind that this is the internet, and that just because the OP chose a name which happens to be a name in common usage in the United States. Does not mean that the name he has here matches any piece of government ID in his wallet, he may not even be in the U.S. With a little bit of tech savvy, he could be my next door neighbour from when I lived in the U.K. (probably not, but it is possible). He is using an IP address registered in the U.S. (That's why there is a little American flag under his name) using a proxy server he can turn that little flag into any country he wishes.

The other thing to consider is that assuming the basics are correct (which I am sure they are). This is a man who lives in a western country, who is married. It's therefore fairly safe to assume the OP is an adult, who has come here trying to understand something about his wife that he cannot understand. So he has come here hoping someone here has been through something similar, someone who can relate to the way his wife feels, or if nothing else, provide an educated guess to assist him in deciphering the reasons behind the atypical behaviours his wife is displaying. I don't get the impression that he is airing his wife's "dirty laundry" for our "ooh's and aww's".

At the end of the day, all we can do is assume that this person is an adult, capable of making choices such as the amount of information he chooses to disclose, while understanding the possible consequences of such disclosure.

From the information I see in this post, I wouldn't know his wife from Eve. Had he provided her full name, address, ect. Then I would absolutely agree with you that what he said would be totally inappropriate, dangerous even. I just don't think risking guilting him into silence is really worth the risk of receiving useless or even counterproductive support from those here who wish to provide it.

Now I know that I am coming across as a hypocritical windbag, who it seems is trying to lay a guilt trip on you for possibly laying a guilt trip on someone. This however is not my intent, as what you had said has value. Being mindful of how the information we share here (or anywhere else for that matter) may affect those around us while we are wrapped up in our own issues. I am saying this simply to provide an alternate viewpoint to consider.

 

[spmitchell3]

My intent was never to violate her privacy. I just did a summary of what she went through. She doesn't come to this site and by not mentioning her name I feel her anonymity is somewhat safe.

Maybe I'm wasting my time...one fear I have is that I'll be here for her in every way I can and know how - only to get the shaft in the end. I've certainly had days where I feel like calling it quits and moving on.

 

[VoiceOfReason]

These are all brief for now as my morning coffee has yet to jump start my brain.

@Junebug

Good morning and wow that's a lot to think about. I think I'm going to have to digest that for a bit before I can respond to it but wanted you to know that I appreciate your words and the time/effort it may have taken to respond to me. Thank you. :)

@Neverthesame

Thank you and I don't feel berated, chastised or in any way offended. Your response to me is in the same vein that I try to approach everything. There's always another side and another opinion. And your opinion is just as valid as mine. Sometimes my personal beliefs in relation to history and herstory can be restrictive because I'm a very private person. That bleeds through from time to time when I talk to people. Thanks again. :)

@spmitchell3

I didn't intend to discourage you at all. I just wanted to possibly give you, as I try to do for myself, other aspects to look at so that each and every action can be done with as much awareness and conscious thought as possible. I apologize if I have upset you.

Peace and Love,
VoR