Sufferer What's. The. Use

[slippingaway]

Hello,

HOW DOES A PERSON GO ON LIVING WHEN THERE HAS BEEN A DEADLY ACCIDENT INVOLVING A LOVED ONE AND YOU'RE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT?

 

[Flossy]

By focusing on that word 'accident'. Every time your brain heads you in the direction that will damage you as well. Listen to your own words here instead. It was an accident. You did not mean it.

 

[Weemie]

how do we go on, you know? it's tough. you can rationalize it's not your fault a hundred times, but deep down we know there's that single instant f*ck up, that one evil intention that plays over and over in our heads. humans aren't black and white. there is good and evil, competent and incompetent, right and wrong in all of us. might sound like a cliche but you have the choice of continuing on, turning your life into a means of benevolence, putting something good back into the world. i believe in that. in redemption. responsibility and intention are two separate things. so are responsibility and fault. take care of yourself. we go on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Self forgiveness.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @slippingaway , I am so sorry for what has occurred. :( I do not have words that are appropriate to convey the grief, sorrow, guilt & pain I just know (for myself) accompanies such things, & it sounds like you are living with too.

It is difficult. Blame apportion is one way to begin to look at it: which percentage was due to other factors? Most of all as others have said it was an accident (not intentional or some intentional failure of you to act). The mind, too (& heart) has away of reinforcing "could've/ would've/ should've". :(

I can only think if they were your loved one they would not want you to suffer over it, or ruin your life. I know though that is hard to apply to yourself.

I hope you can find some peace & comfort here.

 

[Ronin]

By focusing on the word, accident.

And by acknowledging you're not of use to anyone if you're dead.

You can find out meaning and purpose and all of that later. For now? Just stick around, please.

 

[slippingaway]

Thank you all for your replays. Yes......it was a major accident.....it involved my 91year old father who was slowly losing the battle to dementia/Alzheimer's. I was his sole caregiver. I had a long 16 hr shift, which meant I came home at midnight. I live on a very long unlisted major roadway. I was slowing down to find the driveway. Right in front of my vehicle I saw an image of a man, my mind went blank just trying to register the scarry image, before I could put my foot on the break......I hit him. I jumped out of the vehicle hysteria. The ambulance came, and with the help of some good Samaritans was brought to the hospital. I had to be adapted. I stayed by my dad's side until the end. I'll NEVER, EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!! My dad never did anything like that....never has he wondered out in the dark. I had called him while at work that day. I know he was upset about a bill, I told him not to worry and that I would look at it when I got home. I think it got the best of him and he panicked over it. I have no one, no siblings to have helped me with an aging parent.....what could I have done differently? God I miss him!!!!!!!

 

[ground crew]

1. your impression of the time between dark image/brake application is most likely distorted.
2. completely random behavior on your fathers part.
3. you took on too much. 16 hrs and an Alzheimer parent? noble but exhausting.
4. your actions were reasonable, what happened was an accident.

I got myself wrapped around the axle on a loss of life accident about 40 years ago, guilt shame, self doubt. self hate. all this came from my perception of guilt. Nobody even pointed a finger at me except me. It changed my whole life. Good job talking about it.

 

[slippingaway]

It was so hard to determine what was normal and what part was the disease. I mean 2days before the accident, he was mowing the lawn and weeding. I was throwing the idea out to him to think about
having a caregiver here for the Times I worked, but they would only cook, clean and take him to the dr..
..I did all that. He never wandered out at night, he always waited up for me when I came home. I worked 3 days and stayed home 4.....if I only knew.

It's been a year now...yes, guilt, the what it's, the nightmares...just want life to end....too painful. To see his handwriting, or the tools he used.....it to much

 

[ground crew]

To be haunted by all those personal items?!? Oh my... Maybe a change in environment ? Store the personnel stuff for a while.

I bet you are self isolating. Find a group to get involved with and get out. Meetup on line has many social opportunities. Church and do find a support group.

Time will heal this either way, proactive steps will lessen the scars.

 

[TonyG]

If you were a drunk driver and hit a parked car and your Farther was the passenger and he died because of you I would consider it to be your fault,
What happened was out of your control and no matter how many times you play it back in you mind there was nothing you could of done, I am speaking from experience as I also carry the burden of four people that I knew, There was nothing I could of done differently that would have a better outcome but not a day goes by that I don't think about it.
I really feel for you.

 

[slippingaway]

I feel for you too!!!!! I know there was nothing I could have done. I'm coping the best way I can.......when I find myself doing that paralyzed stare that I so often catch myself doing, I force myself to get busy. I will my mind out of that trance.