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Undiagnosed What's wrong with me?

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Zx_00

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Hi! I'm a female and 20 years old.
I was sexually abused when I was around the age of 5 and almost got raped by my abuser when I was nine years old. I was totally unaware of it since I don't know a thing about sex and desires back then but I felt that it was something bad when he showed me his private part and forced me to touch it. I never talked about it to my family and I put distance between my abuser. After that, I became curious of boys' private parts to the point that I watched one of my classmates one time when he peed. I was teased by him then and I didn't do it again. But I was introduced to sex and sexual desires a year later and I realized that I had been abused. I felt nothing about it to be honest. I was just like "oh, so that was it." I didn't made a big deal of it and just forget about it. However during my 9th grade I became close of this husband of my relative and we became like friends or something like that. And he started touching me lightly in places like nape, ears and legs. I never thought of it as something wrong since I didn't feel any malice towards his actions until he started brushing his fingers to my nipple whenever I pass his son to him. I thought it was just accident so I let it go. Until one accident became uncountable and I confronted him then. He acted innocently and said he didn't do it. So I felt bad and said sorry for misunderstanding it but it kept happening and I was like "no, it was just accident" and kept quiet. Not until he forced his way to me. I don't know what's wrong with me but I couldn't get myself to shout for help. I don't think I even felt fear that time. My mind is just blank and I don't know how make of the situation. The first molestation ended and I don't know how to feel about it. It was then followed. Once became twice and thrice and it went on four months. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I letting him do it to me? Do I like it? My head is totally messed up and I thought that maybe it's my fate, that maybe I was born to be men's sex toy. It was stopped though after few months because it sank to me that he is someone's husband and it's my relative. He did stop but it happened again during my tenth and eleventh grade. On my twelfth grade it was put to an end totally. But whenver I think about it, why do I feel like there's a hole in my chest sucking me up?
 
I don't know what's wrong with me but I couldn't get myself to shout for help.

There's nothing wrong with you. You were previously abused which predisposed you to having a heightened stress/threat response to a newly traumatic event. As humans, when we are in danger, we have three primary drives -> fight, flight or freeze. You froze.

There's nothing wrong with how you reacted. The freeze response is a biological imperative that helps us to essentially "play dead" && white-knuckle it to survive. We do this to avoid antagonizing predators or encouraging even worse, deadly behavior.

Why am I letting him do it to me? Do I like it? My head is totally messed up and I thought that maybe it's my fate, that maybe I was born to be men's sex toy

You were abused. You did not "let" him do anything to you, because he was a grown adult man and you were a child. This is a very common response that occurs when people aggress against us, to shut down and allow it to pass without provoking a more violent/abusive reaction. It is based in fear, not desire.

why do I feel like there's a hole in my chest sucking me up?

Because it was an act of interpersonal violence against you, which is a painful experience. You were not born to be a sex toy. You are a sentient, thinking, feeling human being && you are entitled to dignity, respect and autonomy.
 
There's nothing wrong with you. You were previously abused which predisposed you to having a heightened stress/threat response to a newly traumatic event. As humans, when we are in danger, we have three primary drives -> fight, flight or freeze. You froze.

There's nothing wrong with how you reacted. The freeze response is a biological imperative that helps us to essentially "play dead" && white-knuckle it to survive. We do this to avoid antagonizing predators or encouraging even worse, deadly behavior.



You were abused. You did not "let" him do anything to you, because he was a grown adult man and you were a child. This is a very common response that occurs when people aggress against us, to shut down and allow it to pass without provoking a more violent/abusive reaction. It is based in fear, not desire.



Because it was an act of interpersonal violence against you, which is a painful experience. You were not born to be a sex toy. You are a sentient, thinking, feeling human being && you are entitled to dignity, respect and autonomy.
Thank you so much for your reply. It somehow make sense to me why I am like that. But is it also because of that events that I am unable to feel emphaty towards other people? It has been stressing me up until now when my little sister bursted out to me crying after a heated argument with my aunt that I don't care about them. Even my former friends told me that I don't have any conscience when I do them wrong. It's not that like that though. I don't know how to react towards what they feel.
 
Even my former friends told me that I don't have any conscience when I do them wrong. It's not that like that though. I don't know how to react towards what they feel.

This is what's known as your emotional affect, or how you express emotions outwardly. In PTSD, our affect is often blunted due to dissociation and disconnection as a result of unbearable experiences. We detach so that we can 'zone out' and cope, but that comes at a price -> our emotional development is often arrested, or limited to anger and frustration. The good news is that this is fixable with time and treatment.

Your affect doesn't necessarily represent your values. I'm extremely low affect and relatively low empathy (I'm diagnosed with a disorder that commonly impairs affective empathy, RAD) but my cognitive and performative empathy is fully functional. You don't need to be able to have that gut-wrenching sensation of emotion in order to be a good human being, or to have a conscience. Morality is separate from empathy.
 
How do I deal with it? I'm not receiving any professional help since mental health in my family is not given any importance at all. And I couldn't talk to them about it.
 
How do I deal with it? I'm not receiving any professional help since mental health in my family is not given any importance at all. And I couldn't talk to them about it.

If you're unable to access mental healthcare there are plenty of online resources for tools like CBT, DBT, NET & more. We have a trauma diaries section on this site as well where you can start to talk about your experiences & engage in peer support, and this site has lots of educational information on PTSD in the articles section.
 
Thank you so much for your reply. It somehow make sense to me why I am like that. But is it also because of that events that I am unable to feel emphaty towards other people? It has been stressing me up until now when my little sister bursted out to me crying after a heated argument with my aunt that I don't care about them. Even my former friends told me that I don't have any conscience when I do them wrong. It's not that like that though. I don't know how to react towards what they feel.
You do not lack empathy and what your friends said is based on not really knowing you and your full story. Those actions, whatever they were, are not YOU. Even if you did them and they are not great.

As a result of abuse, I did a lot of things that were not nice and not okay. I've been mean and pushy with people, I went through a klepto phase, I even have struggled with controlling physical reactions, like throwing things.

My best advice is not to try to *think* too much and just work on believing that you are okay (I say work on it because cultivating these self-affirming beliefs takes practice).

Do you play any sports? Work out? Like music? Do Crafts? Focus on those things and be gentle in your self judgments.
 
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