Relationship When A Carer Gets Therapy-Did You Tell Your Sufferer?

[jenkins123]

I guess this question goes to sufferers as well as carers.

Many of the carers say they also have therapy to support and understand their sufferer better. How did you bring this up with your sufferer? I mean do you tell them openly you are going to get counselling to help both of you work together? Do sufferers always find this a comforting idea or can it sometimes seem like you are invading their world?

I ask because if my ex ever comes back for a relationship with me, I would like to discuss this option with him, and wondered how it may be received.

Your own experience appreciated. Thanks.

 

[jenkins123]

I realise I got no replies at all on this and wonder if I wasn't very clear. I was just wondering how welcome is it to a sufferer to hear that their partner would like to have counselling to learn/support better?
I'm still trying very hard to not contact my ex and learn to respect his space, and maybe it's too late for us and he'll never get back in touch, but if he does, I'm wondering if even letting him knowing I'm reading sites like this etc could be taken badly. I'm trying to learn that ptsd is not WHO the person is but WHAT the person HAS, so I don't want him to feel that's all I see by my "studying" the subject. But I also want to show that I am trying to learn how my behaviour can stress and affect him because of what he has.

 

[Dougal]

In my situation I advised the significant others in my life to do what they needed to do to look after themselves. And by significant others I mean family, friends and partner. If they were involved in my life directly and wanted to assist with my healing, I felt very encouraged when they educated themselves regarding PTSD. We also encouraged healthy boundaries with each other and this is where counselling helped. I benefited most by carer support when I was was allowed to ask for help. I did this when I was ready to receive this help. This is where respectful boundaries were important. If you feel you would benefit from counselling or educating yourself regarding PTSD, then by all means go ahead.

I am not sure I understand what you mean by your ex coming back into your life. If as you say you have no contact with him and he has not approached you regarding a relationship, it might be premature for you to involve yourself. I don't know your situation. I can only speak to mine. I received significant support from my carer. As a couple we received significant support around education and counselling. Unfortunately the relationship did not survive. So even with the appropriate support, the situation was tangly. I might seek some professional guidance before holding out the olive branch. Like I said, every situation is different. Take care.
CM

 

[Jawn]

In my case I told my wife after I had seen my T a time or two. I told her I was getting some counseling on how to deal with her PTSD and myself, so that I could support her better. I then told her about this forum as well, although not by name. Just in general. I know it suprised her and I think it gave her something to think about and discuss with her T. In my case we were approaching the point to where she was saying she wanted to leave. I probably should have looked into getting my own T MUCH sooner in my situation.

Jawn

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi jenkins123,

I think a T for yourself and your own happiness and support is a good thing.

I think you don't necessarily have to "say" much; what you learn (would) show.

 

[jenkins123]

Thank you all for your input.
Charlotte I particularly listened to "I benefited most by carer support when I was was allowed to ask for help. I did this when I was ready to receive this help.". You asked about my ex. He left on the day he told me he loved me. I didn't know about ptsd and contacted him too much in the aftermath, thus killing off his feelings, (his words). I still hope he comes back but think it is doubtful now. It seems he has decided I am a bad person for contacting him too much. If he ever does come back I will definitely listen more and only "help" if asked. I still think this site is so helpful, even if too late for me, thanks to everyone for their stories.

 

[Iam]

Hi Jenkins. I know that when I am struggling I withdraw. If anyone pushes too hard it makes me feel trapped I withdraw even further. I don't know if this is what happened with your x or not, just know that it is true for me.

I found this site when I started dealing with the PTSD dx a few months ago. My husband of 32 yrs got on here and learned what he could. It really meant a lot to me. Unfortunately I didn't want him reading my posts so he doesn't come on here anymore out of respect for me. There is another carer here who lives close to us that has offered to talk with him. I told him that and have asked him if he feels he needs counseling for support. He doesn't feel he does at this point which is fine with me. He took the time to learn about PTSD and does his best to understand where I am at. Just that means so much.

If your x comes back...it would not be wrong for you to seek counseling. As stated above it is important that carers take care of themselves first.

Good luck!

 

[jenkins123]

Thanks Iam
Yes, I now know my contact was a huge mistake. I try not to beat myself up (and fail!) as back then ptsd was not known to me at all (he hasn't formally told me he has it either, I have just concluded it from the past that he did tell me about). My reaction was therefore normal, I think, to contact a man who has just told you he loves you but walked away in tears. Of course I now know, several messages too late, that it was overwhelming and stressful for him to be persistently contacted to ask why on earth we were breaking up if we had all these shared feelings. There are many "ifs" and "buts". If he had been able to communicate, I might have understood, but of course I also see that maybe he just couldn't, so I pushed, asked, and did all the wrong stuff. It sounds like you and your husband have good communication.
Often when I read this site, I wish we had had a bit longer together to get to the point of me being able to use the information I have gained from it, and been more understanding. I still hope I get that chance in the future, but it may be that I have managed to totally change his feelings for me, perhaps he felt trapped too.

 

[Dougal]

Hi jenkins123. Quit beating yourself up. Your ex didn't come with a "how to" manual. No one is right or wrong in these situations. As I said in my earlier post, every situation is different. Each has its own dynamics. I commented in retrospect and long after I had the opportunity to process my trauma.

What I was like during this processing time is very different from what I am like now. I was not easy to live with back then. PTSD or not, some of the things I did and said were downright rude. PTSD did not give me the right to be rude. I was depressed and irritable. My thinking was distorted. I didn't care. Imagine coming home to me every night? I suspect you did the best you could given what you did and did not know at the time.

You sound like a very caring individual to me. You sound like someone who is looking for some answers and support. You sound like someone who is taking responsibility. I think this Forum contains a wealth of resources that will point you in a positive direction. I encourage you to keep exploring. The work is worth it. Take care.
CM

 

[Iam]

Right on Charlotte. Not only did he not come with a manual....you guys didn't even know what was wrong. You should not be blaming yourself. PTSD is a monster that is difficult to deal with when you know what it is, let alone irratic behavior with no clue as to why.

Please do not take my previous post as finger pointing. You asked for a sufferer's point of view. My statements were only to show how overreactive we as sufferers can be. One of my closest friends is a sufferer as well. Even knowing ourselves and eachother as well as we do, we still have a hard time know what to say, how to say it, when we should push and when we should back off. As my friend says....she never knows how I am going to react to something she says or does.

It is NOT your fault, nor is it your x's. There is no blame. The hope has to be that he gets help and, if you two end up together, you get support as well.

 

[jenkins123]

Thank you both for the very supportive words. I only wish the ex would give me the same benefit of the doubt!
Iam, I didn't take your post as finger pointing at all. I am grateful for all I hear on this forum, especially from sufferers themselves. I know there's no blame game, just a waiting game. He did mention he sees a therapist now and then, not sure how it's going. I hope somewhere along the time and space apart, he remembers how he felt about me and challenges his new thinking that I'm tried to cause him stress on purpose.

 

[Nicolette]

Many of the carers say they also have therapy to support and understand their sufferer better. How did you bring this up with your sufferer? I mean do you tell them openly you are going to get counselling to help both of you work together? Do sufferers always find this a comforting idea or can it sometimes seem like you are invading their world?

The first time I went I just did as something happened and I did everything to see a therapist that day.....then there were times I felt I had to go and other times when my husband suggested I went depending on what was happening. I used to go and see a therapist for other situations so I thought nothing of going when I needed it when involved with a PTSD Sufferer and not something I felt compelled to discuss before hand. I just did what I needed to help myself.