When A Friend Looks Like An Enemy...but Isn't

[LizardViolet]

Supporter here. My bf has complex ptsd from years of abuse in childhood, and from his combat experiences.

I've only just started to learn about ptsd in the past six months. He's been living with it pretty much his whole life, but he's never looked into it from the outside, he just endures it from the inside. So he doesn't really have much language to talk about it.

I've been introducing some concepts to him just lately. The three brains (thinking, emotional and lizard brain) and what happens in trauma and after it if we get stuck. The stress cup. I just introduced the idea of the trigger, but I did it in email so I don't know if he read it. Sometimes he reads my emails, sometimes he doesn't. I also introduced the notion that there are effective treatments (EMDR, somatic stuff), which he categorically rejects.

We've been close for more than three years off and on. We don't live together. In the past few months, I've been paying more attention to things that trigger him. I've always tried to be calm and neutral with him (although of course I'm human). When I'm actually with him, if he's triggered, it seems to be either OK or a good thing that I'm there. But sometimes he gets triggered by something related to me, especially if we have a plan together and I run late, or if he tries to reach me by text or call and I'm not right there. Then his interpretation (especially if there's some stress going on) is that I am f-ing with him, I am avoiding him on purpose, I am trying to hurt him. And then in his mind it is appropriate to punish me, by rejecting me, generally by avoiding me for some period of time, and sometimes by saying something mean.

What I want to know is the sufferer's point of view here. If you were stuck in the past misinterpreting a neutral act by someone who is close to you, how did you get unstuck? I have told him over and over for the past 2+ years that his behavior is inappropriate, that my actions are neutral, that I am not messing with him or trying to hurt him. He rejects the idea that his brain plays any part in this process. His reactions are growing steadily worse and happen with more minor incidents. I suspect there's nothing I can do, but I welcome your suggestions and perspectives.

 

[Anna]

Is your BF in therapy? Through therapy he can learn to deal with the symptoms. They never go away but you can learn to live with them.

I have learned how to deal with the paranoia. If someone doesn't answer my phone call, call back, email, message etc etc... or looks at me in a funny way. My first reaction is the paranoia. They are playing mind games, they are trying to hurt me, they hate me, they don't like me, etc etc.... I used to get very angry, I would push people away, or become verbally aggressive.

Now I take a few moments to think before I react. Depending on who it is I do the following:-

Ignore them, if they are not a good friend or family, wait for them to contact me. Why should I run around after them? If they don't like me who cares? etc etc... not the end of the world.

Possibly people are busy with their own lives and do not want to speak. I get this into my head. Try and think rationally without emotion to why people are doing what they do. It isn't always about me, people have their own lives and life can be real busy.

If it is a close friend, I try and calm down, then I will ask them directly, what is wrong, why etc??

I have begun to just not care, because when you care, it hurts more. After awhile though, the apathy kicks in and you just don't care. You want to be alone.

The best is if your BF has therapy to learn how to cope.

It is so hard with the trust though, I get let down a lot by people, and I am very paranoid. Through years I have learned to live with it, it is a very difficult process. In the end though, I have a very low view on people and they don't let me down or hurt me because I don't expect anything of them anymore.

 

[LizardViolet]

He's not in therapy. He's pretty far from interested in pursuing it, either.

You recognize that this is YOUR problem, not misbehavior on the part of other people (necessarily -- maybe someone is being rude or indifferent, but you recognize that they are not out to get you). And so you are working actively to cope with what you recognize as an issue of your interpretation.

He is still stuck in the belief that his paranoia is correct and appropriate, and that his interpretation of events is accurate. So it's his problem, not mine, and not something I can do anything about.

I've told him that I really can't see him anymore until he addresses this problem with his thinking. That may be a long, long time. Nothing I can do, though.