@lfs: cool that you are wordy so I feel less guilty about my lack of brevity. And you are equally awesome for sharing your time.
LFS: Shrink talk is ANNOYING, don't shrink talk...just don't sound so clinical
Me: I am super annoying. I do not hear myself talk like a shrink. A friend of mine once imitated me. At first, I was in complete shock. Then I burst out laughing. OMG, those poor people no wonder they run away. Oh well..love me or leave me.
LFS: Is he in therapy?
Me: He was hospitalised from his early 20's, labelled all kinds of things (I can only guess), heavy duty anti-psychosis meds, 10 bad years, 10 better years then 10 bad years and when I met him, he told me he had PTSD and was in therapy. Thats how I ended here and got a ptsd therapist of my own, now he says "I don't have a therapist and I don't have PTSD and I know what I need". He claims that he is stable. He is the most unstable person I have met in my life and I met plenty. Neither of us has the role of caretaker. He prides himself in managing himself. After a two month break from me, he was so changed to the better that I thought he was taking a higher dosis. Nope, he is lowering his dosis with the accept of his shrink. Ok so he does have a shrink who just medicates (free in this country), he goes to some group (I don't ask if he doesn't say) , he once mentioned a workbook, and he is done with labels.
LFS: set the boundry in a calm moment
Me: We do this already. He is a big fan of setting boundaries. He is also honest to say that he is not sure that he can live up to mine. I tell him: "I need to see you try." He tries so hard that the exhaustion shows.
LFS:sounds like he was sexually abused as a child
Me: Highly unlikely. All the plumbing works and his libido is more of an impulsive all-or-nothing mood switch.
This suggestion I found helpful cause I haven't tried:
LFS:Here, you can state to him it is anger, how its anger this is what it is (name it all off, be specific), and this is what it does to you. You can set that boundary by telling him straight up you aren't leaving him but you cant take the anger.
Me: He hates when we talk about the relationship, any conflict or as he puts it: "I can't take any confrontation." I have written to him the following :
"I need a partner who is willing to discuss things that may be hard or upsetting - and who will not shut me up "as a rule". I do not want to feel that I have no voice or no choice in the decisions you make. Either both of us are allowed to complain and express disappointment or neither of us are allowed.Because something upsets me does not mean that I won't show you kindness or understanding. I just need you to listen and say "I understand how my behaviour makes you feel". I want to feel that you have an interest in what I have to say."
I really overwhelm him with words. Words really destroy passion. We both feel that. He has made me a better listener. He is amazing when he can allow himself to be calm. And while I got all the status in terms of education, financial security and high IQ scores....here comes this guy who because of his own set of challenges is literally invisible to society and guess what ...He blows me away. Describing why is like trying to describe the taste of chocolate to someone that refuses to try it.
@LFS Your last post made my eyes water and i feel a lump in my throat. I don't do tears (ever) so I will just say that although I don't know you nor your qualifications as a friend, you pretty much nailed my need for a friend right now by just being you. I don't need to justify to anyone why I do what others may find to be odd or unaffordable. I got the resources to be generous and I do crazy things cause I do. Maybe I am just ahead of my time. I see the stigmatizations slowly melting but it won't happen without courage. My friend may never get better but it won't be cause he didn't get the chance. Oh and its not a romance thing. Its a human thing.
