When Coworkers Trigger You

[Deleted member 31998]

Recently after starting this job there are a few people who keep giving me triggers as time goes on; micromanaging, condescending, nitpicking, throwing me under the bus, awful tone of voice, backstabbing, and one of the people even has certain physical features that makes me weary(reminds me of someone not good from my past).

That same one who has the physical trigger even asked me out, and when I turned him down, he has called me some awful names and makes me very uncomfortable when I am working around him. Work hasn't done anything about it, although my question is to the online PTSD community. This person has openly admitted to me that he is obsessed with me and he doesn't know why.

What are some ways that you battle with this kind of situation? How do you handle your triggers in public or at work? How do you talk to these people and in what tone? What are some good strategies to avoid getting hurt in any way?

Jasmine

 

[Ronin]

In public, I try my best to not show them. Eventually if they come through, excuse it as a perfectly physical, short term ailment. A thing of the moment. No, you don't need to worry, it will pass, kind of thing.

Meltdowns wait for coming home / somewhere safer.

Talking to people, I usually turn lower tone and try my best at not being condescending. Which doesn't always work, but at times it registers as not the emotions, but the message I'm trying to convey, through it.

Getting hurt avoidance - Knowing you can't avoid all dangers, knowing how can you minimize which sort of damage for you, or at least planning for it, there isn't really 'knowing'. You can't plan every aspect of a situation as it's unknowable until you're in it and when you're in it improvisation time may be lacking. So knowing it isn't your fault may be assistive.

'Obsessed with you' rings major alarm bells. I'd run for the hills. Eventually report harassment if that person can't keep themselves away from you. Eventually report harassment AND run for the hills. Better safe than sorry.

Going the route of bosses' boss about it. If the boss(es) don't work, trying the owner(s) of the place. You have a right for safety & safe work environs. That person's literally making you unable to do your work, and are not someone that's in their interest to keep around, ideally.

 

[WillyKat]

That's a toxic environment. If at all possible, my advice is to leave.

You can complain to HR, but they only do what is best for the company, not for you. If they feel he's very important, the most that will happen is that he is sent to the class and you will lose. They may of course feel that you are more important and you might prevail. But, after having seen such scenarios play out several times, they will only rule in favor of you if they think its best for the company.

 

[Joie]

I suspect most workplaces have dysfunctional staff. Sometimes I'm probably one of them! And I've no doubt I may have projected something onto the person to make them seem like triggers--sometimes. Because of my mindfulness practice I now try (not always successfully) to pause when people say things to me that trigger. We don't have to answer anyone immediately. If I'm triggered badly I might say to myself: "I'm being triggered, be aware of the feelings in my hands (or the sound outside the window)". I also sometimes say to myself: "you're safe now. This isn't the past. I can look after you (meaning me)". I've also asked people to 'leave it with me' or 'I'll get back to you' so I can go away and come up with a more equanimous decision after the triggering is over. The more I deal with them in these ways the more confident I get (its a slow process though). However, if there is a toxic work environment where most people are horrid and nothing else, I'd probably think about looking for another job if possible. As for the obsessed person. I've had to help people in work with this and I tell them a few things: start keeping a diary of the person's approaches. DO NOT be alone in their company. If they say something inappropriate or you feel stressed by their behaviour, tell someone you do trust and keep a record of it (I email myself so I have the date etc. on the document). ALSO, very importantly, in front of witnesses when next they say something inappropriate, tell them "I'm not interested and I'd like you to leave me alone". It usually works. It sounds like sexual harassment and it isn't acceptable in the workplace. You can also tell HR etc., but I'd keep a record first so you have evidence when you go to them. I'm sorry you are going through this and send lots of moral support!

 

[Joie]

PS: the earlier reply that HR work for the company rather than employees is an important caveat...so do bear that in mind. But you may be surprised to learn the harassing person may have come onto their radar before!

 

[Marina124]

Well, I also have in my surroundings people I like and people I dislike, but I'm doing my best not to let my emotions effect the quality of my work. In your case, I would avoid that person as long as it is possible and when it is neccassary to cooperate with him, I would never go alone to talk with him and I wouldn't show him any of my emotions on his reactions. I focus on my work and on the bright side of it, friends who I work with and that makes me easier to get through all bad situations. Best wishes

 

[WillyKat]

But you may be surprised to learn the harassing person may have come onto their radar before!

True, but you'll have no way to know that unless it leaks out. Usually, if you are involved in any kind of HR investigation, the first thing they will tell you is to never, ever say anything about it, under penalty of "up to and including termination."

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm living this right now. After 25 years in the workforce, I've found HR to be unresponsive and agree that they will side with the company as it is a liability issue. I've been in an HR role and that is the truth. Either figure out a way to deal with it or leave. You know your limits and how best you cope with these types of people/situations. I've hit mine and am trying to figure out options as this time of year is not good for my type of work in terms of finding a job. Maybe 2 part-times? It's about work-arounds and meltdowns right now for me. I go to the ladies room for me-time, go for a walk on break, segment my day, put on earbuds with music streaming, and limit my contact as much as possible with the folks I share space with. I also put up a positive sign in my cube to look at and relish the moments when one of the nice/normal folks in the office speaks to me. Sad, but true. I wish you good luck whichever way you go. Just protect yourself and cope the best you can, and start looking for another job. You are not alone. VB

 

[Joie]

Oh Violet, I feel for you! Sounds very lonely work experience but your coping devices sound great. I wish you well with your job hunt...it can be an anxious period on top of everything else. I hope you feel supported on this forum. xJoie

 

[Joie]

I think the wanting validation issue raised is really important here. All we can hope for is to validate for ourselves as painful and isolating as that might feel. CPTSD results from carer neglect too. We have to become our own carers. We have to feel compassion and care for the child that wasn't taught to care or feel validated. This is tougher than it sounds. I find twice daily, oft painful, grieving mindfulness meditation the most useful tool. When I trigger, my mind are heart are learning to offer comfort and thereby hopefully rewiring my brain. But I've inculcated the negative, unvalidating messages from my parents that my thoughts can sound just like theirs (and their neglect). I've found mindfulness the best route for me but as I said, its a tough road: it teaches us we must accept (but not necessarily forgive) things as they are, dynamic and changing, hurtful and difficult. It teaches up to find peace within that for ourselves. Otherwise we are shooting ourselves with more arrows.

I had a light bulb moment with both parents before they died in the 80's. I asked my mother if she loved/liked me as a child. She said 'No. I didn't want children. I was depressed when you were born. But I like you now.' When I tell some people that they find it astounding and hurtful but for me it was liberating. It validated my read of the situation throughout my childhood, not hers. I'd felt it, she agreed...but it was my trusting my own memories that got me their, not her validation.

When my father was dying he said: I'm sorry you didn't have children. You are so caring, you'd have made a great mother. Was it our behaviour as parents that made you not have children?

I said: probably....but it's okay, really...

Again, this was a liberating experience. That he and my mother, both very damaged, neglected CPTSD sufferers (although they didn't know it) had been honest in the end...even if their feelings hurt me in the past. I'm not sure why I think this may be of help to you but I lay it out in case it is...xx J

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm going through that with my parents. My dad and stepmom are all over how much they love me and how much they truly care about me. My mother has Alzheimer's and does know who I am, but the disease has exaggerated her more negative personality traits so there are no "thank yous" or "love yous," just verbal abuse, although Christmas was better as they upped her dose of Depakote to quell her paranoia. Still, it's weird to talk to her because I know what she's said and done in the past, and now I have chosen to take care of her concerns. It's like Baskin Robbins in that I never know what I'll get, so I don't call often. I try to put that energy into myself and trying to heal CPTSD. Strange paradigm for me as we are enmeshed. I'm working on that. It's a real quagmire!

I hear you on CPTSD as being a job. It most certainly is and careers do take a back seat. It's a struggle to work and go to therapy as both are draining as is recovery work. Even getting appointments is difficult as T's in my area all want to work a 8-5 shift as well.

I guess when work is an unenjoyably place to be and family is also a sore subject, it's even more reason to focus on our healing and building a support network in real-time as well as out here. Hope all is well with you. Take care. VB

 

[Deleted member 31998]

UPDATE - The coworker in question is now under investigation and is on suspension. They may be getting either terminated or relocated to a different location more than 8 hours away. I am feeling more at ease and would like to thank everyone for their unconditional support.