Dom Violence When do you stop looking over your shoulder?

[Sighs]

I've had no contact from my abusive ex since the criminal court case in April. My therapist seems to think its a little strange that I take a sturdy knife with me when I go outside at night to take my large dogs to the toilet. How do you stop looking over your shoulder when someone who has the abilty to kill you may want you dead?

 

[Gs172003]

I've had no contact from my abusive ex since the criminal court case in April. My therapist seems to think its a little strange that I take a sturdy knife with me when I go outside at night to take my large dogs to the toilet. How do you stop looking over your shoulder when someone who has the abilty to kill you may want you dead?

Is your therapist a trauma therapist? I don't think it's strange at all.
You stop looking when you are ready to stop looking. At least that's how I feel about it.

 

[RVA21]

It's been a few years for me now, I haven't stopped, except if I go on holiday hundreds of miles away.

 

[somerandomguy]

I agree with @Zoogal - you'll stop eventually.

It took me years to stop looking at my ex's social media accounts. I think if I'd had trauma therapy it would have helped. But for whatever reason I wasn't ready to talk about it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

It took me moving 3,200 miles away and 25 years. Your mileage may vary.

 

[Sideways]

Would it help to challenge yourself to stop carrying the knife with you?

Rationally: How many times have you taken your dogs out and not needed it?

Psychologically: safety behaviours have a way of reinforcing anxiety (as opposed to fear). Each time you pack your knife? You’re sending your brain the message that you might need the knife. And likewise, each time you don’t take your knife, and come home safely, you help reset the brain into understanding the knife is unnecessary.

Legally: I think it’s probably not legal...?

Practically: the knife is in response to anxiety about a particular person. But, if you were to see that person, you would no doubt do a quick u-turn, right?

 

[Sighs]

Legally? I’m in my own backyard. I’m not out in public armed with a knife.
Practically? A u-turn??? He’s a combat veteran. If he’s in my backyard in the dark he’s here to kill me. I’ll be fighting for my life not doing u-turns.
But yes rationally he hasn’t come after me and so far I haven’t needed the knife. Psychologically not taking the knife may help the back yard feel safer.
I’ll try.

 

[Ronin]

Youre not powerless, Sighs.

You know him pretty good, for all the years with him, how & when & to what triggers he pulls his shit in turn. That itself is advantage.

& He may be a vet... But you are someone who survived him, already. Who will survive him every other time, too.

 

[desiderata310]

Hmmm...
4000 miles, 6 years, 5 years of therapy, 8 Moves a full restraining order and while I don’t do it as often, I’m still looking over my shoulder.
It used to be much worse.
Carry your knife in your back yard. I sleep with one under my pillow at night.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi @Sighs. So sorry you're feeling like this!

I'm wondering if.... When you were with him did he harass or stalk the ex before you? That could give you a sense of what he may do now. Maybe?

I'd probably have boobie traps set up all over my property. Not only for him but just because I was alone. And I have no trauma history.(I may have lived in the city too long. Lol)

Sending strength and courage your way.
XO

 

[The Albatross]

15-20 years for me but I stayed in the area. He came after me a few times in the first 5 years though.
I don't think it's particularly odd to be on your own property and want an item of defense... for me though it was that UV marking, pepper spray stuff... and I have (still to this day) an axe handle under the seat of my car.

 

[Sideways]

I’m in my own backyard. I’m not out in public armed with a knife.

Just want to check - are you getting out and about during the day?