Dom Violence When do you stop looking over your shoulder?

[Sideways]

but I don't think it works as easy in the PTSD reality.

@Sighs is an ex-supporter - not sure ptsd is in play...??

@blackemerald1 - totally get what you’re saying. Not sure looking into actual dv situations similar to this is going to be helpful though. Because, then we’d be looking more realistically at gun violence.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I've had no contact from my abusive ex since the criminal court case in April. My therapist seems to think its a little strange that I take a sturdy knife with me when I go outside at night to take my large dogs to the toilet. How do you stop looking over your shoulder when someone who has the abilty to kill you may want you dead?

I have lived in fear from a relative-who has the ability and money to have me killed..........but after being miserable long enough, I decided one day I wasn't going to live life this way..... totally paranoid and had the case of what-if's everytime I went out.......surviving afraid. I looked at what was real, what was true in the moment. I've come to the conclusion that if it's my time to die, well there's nothing I can do about it....better to live in today more contented, than always fearful. If the threat arises, then the fear is real......get to safety and run like hell.

Now, I just use basic safety precautions, locked doors and windows, keeping in touch with my nice neighbor, text people several times a day and let them know what I'm doing, how my day has been, and text my friend goodnight. If I'm traveling alone, I text people my location a couple times a day-and I take pictures of odd things....just because. Leftovers....from a couple years ago....but it makes me feel better and it doesn't hurt anyone.....then I can let it go and not think about it.....I have a picture.

I feel more comfortable traveling in my car......but now that I've made my home....my place, customized it as a happier place, it's gotten a lot easier. I am making my bedroom out of my artwork and favorite positive people, places, and things...... a place all about me, with pictures of friends and people who mean something to me. I've tried actively focusing on positive....getting up and doing positive things and healthy things, and that has helped a lot....and I now say "NO" back aloud to any negative intrusive thoughts that will take me spiraling in the wrong direction...... down Fearparanoia Lane. Saying "NO" aloud to the negative messages will stop them-at least in my head. Maybe some of this can work for you.

 

[siniang]

@Sighs is an ex-supporter - not sure ptsd is in play...??

Woops. Sorry, didn't know that. Guess in that case I'm not quite sure why the question aimed at sufferers in the Trauma/Stressor subforum, I guess?

 

[Sideways]

@siniang - I could be totally wrong about it all. Realistic perception isn’t my strong suit atm

 

[blackemerald1]

Because, then we’d be looking more realistically at gun violence.

^No. Think of Rosie Batty. It's not guns who kill women in Australia relating to dv.

Not sure looking into actual dv situations similar to this is going to be helpful though.

^Why?

@Sighs I have no idea why your therapist would think that was strange thing to be thinking/doing. April isn't so far gone. To me it seems logical and rational. Perhaps I ought to do more work on my own stuff if that is wrong. :sorry:

Why is it not ok to accept that some men/women are dangerous and so incredibly random in their thinking that attacking an ex is completely on their radar. Why is being alert and vigilant, armed or not, wrong? Why do people infer that being concerned about the potential for harm is somehow unwarranted when the stats tell us that it is absolutely justified.

@Sighs I can see why you would want to protect yourself and I can see why it may not work in your favour if your ex did attack and overpower you. But like you said, scratching him might be the worst thing you do but it may be enough to make him stand back. Who knows? I would never suggest you go outside into your own yard in the dark without something to deter an attack if you think it is necessary and I'm perplexed why anyone, including your T, would suggest otherwise.

Going out in public armed is entirely different. I know you know the difference and we are not talking about that. :)

negative intrusive thoughts that will take me spiraling in the wrong direction...... down Fearparanoia Lane. Saying "NO" aloud to the negative messages will stop them-at least in my head. Maybe some of this can work for you.

But we are not talking about paranoia. That's different from a realistic appraisal of a threat level.

 

[LuckiLee]

Sighs was in a violent relationship with a highly trained combat veteran with PTSD and a shit#t ton of guns. She recently pressed charges against him and he walked away a free man. She's suffered her own trauma. PTSD is definitely at play here!

I like the wasp spray idea.

 

[Sideways]

with a highly trained combat veteran with PTSD and a shit#t ton of guns.

This is actually the part that I’m thinking about.

This isn’t just a fear about any old ex hiding in the bushes. The OP has adjusted back to a healthy enough mentality that she can drive to the town he lives in, go into the grocery store. Awesome. A fear of randomly bumping into him isn’t the problem.

The anxiety being addressed here is really specific: he’s got to drive over to the OP’s town, and either time it to the small window in the evening when she takes her dogs into the yard, or wait hidden in the yard. That’s what the OP is currently carrying a knife for. That’s a pretty specific scenario.

The rest of the time, the OP has described reasonably healthy re-adjusting to normal life.

So, with that specific scenario in mind, and the specific skill set and resources of the person the OP is worried about - is “Well I’ll be ready for that scenario with my kitchen knife/pepper spray.”

This guy is going to go to all that trouble and be unarmed? Really?

So, what do we do with that? Seems to me that continuing along with the same kind of readjustment to normal, healthy functioning is the way to go. I’m not going to dig up research right now on this topic, but certainly my understanding is that for a person with anxiety or ptsd - leaning into safety behaviours like the one described by the OP actually increases the related distress, and the reliance on the safety behaviour, rather than being helpful.

The mindset that @TruthSeeker describes is the alternative. Deciding, “Nope, I’m done with this fear controlling my life”, and making a conscious effort to return to normality.

Because this isn’t any old ex. So, being ‘ready’ with pepper spray or the kitchen knife, in the specific scenario the OP has described? Isn’t helpful. IMO? It’s a safety behaviour that is more likely to be fuelling the underlying anxiety, rather than providing any meaningful protection from this particular ex.

 

[blackemerald1]

Because this isn’t any old ex. S

^When it comes to dv there is no such person.

Really?

^Yep. Killing without the use of weapons is one of their forte's. Why would he risk being stopped and searched for the cops... he wouldn't. Stupidity isn't one of his traits when intentions are on doing harm.

Deciding, “Nope, I’m done with this fear controlling my life”, and making a conscious effort to return to normality.

^I don't think it is controlling Sighs life. I think the reality is a new normal life is being established. For some it actually does mean looking over their shoulder, checking out their homes when they enter and taking knives outside into their unlit yards at night. That is reality unfortunately.

We can discuss all day long about it being a wrong mindset. This isn't a self fulfilling thing is it? He's not under sighs control. He's not under any sanction - thanks to a court decision.

Is being completely unarmed in mind and body better?

Not for me, if I ever had to go through it again there would be no positive thinking process blinding me to the enormity of what was about to happen. Give me a knife/spray/baton any day and I'd do as much harm as possible.

Let the barristers argue if I should have let positive thinking protect me..... when or if (he) should appear in my backyard, my home, my car - whatever. Remember defending yourself is legal and completely normal.

This guy, if he intends to do harm can do it with his hands, no needs for guns or weapons and he can probably gain entry reasonably easily in a variety of places at Sighs home. He doesn't have to wait for her to take the dogs outside. It's not just specific to the back yard is it @Sighs? Were you using that as an example or expressing your concern about him coming to your home and protection generally? I'm not sure anymore.

Going about town, in daylight, in public may appear to be normal behaviour to the uninitiated. Perhaps to some it even appears safer. It's not.

Once predator, stalking, ambush behaviour becomes even a remote chance being aware, thinking of potential weapons is actually normal and realistic.

 

[Sighs]

Thank you to everyone for your input! I really appreciate people taking their time to discuss this.

So, yes I am an ex-supporter of a combat veteran with PTSD. He is also, according to a qualified psychologist who knew him and I socially as a couple, a sociopath with psychopathic tendencies. After I left I reported the abuse to the police. He spent $50,000 on his defence lawyers and got off all charges, AVO was dropped and his firearms returned to him. I'm well aware that if he wants to kill me he will and no-one and nothing will stop him.

I've always said it not paranoia if the little green men really ARE out to get you.

My specific fear, based on threats he made towards me and other people, is that he will enter my property at night and either slit my throat or strangle me. A firearm will draw too much attention to him. He will want to get in and out quickly and quietly. Yes its a specific scenario but it isn't far fetched. Apart from being illegal, he has been pepper sprayed before, both in his Army training and when he assaulted a police officer. He has the ability to fight through it - at least for a short period of time.

I expect him to be armed. My thinking is more that he will not expect me to be armed. And if he attacks me I will do my absolute best to kill him first. Because, make no mistake about it, I will be fighting for my life.

One of the dogs knows him and was terrified and traumatised by him as a puppy. How he would react now that he is an adult dog of 50kgs if I was under threat, I'm not sure. The other has never met him but is suspicious of strangers and barks loudly. They are certainly my best early warning system and my first line of defence. I'm on 15 acres so the neighbours are going to get there far too late.

My therapist says I am exhibiting symptoms of PTSD due to the abuse.

I think for me, more than anything, its about taking back some agency, some control. Its a determination that if I'm going down I'm going down fighting. Having said that, I do agree with trying to think rationally about the threat level. Hence why I'm okay travelling to his town during the day and being out in public. He's not going to attack me in broad daylight in the middle of the shopping centre. And the more time that passes the less anxious I feel. Its just a very unsettling feeling - that out there, not too far away, is a person who is unstable enough (maybe) and capable enough (definitely) of killing you.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Assessing the reality of threat.

This is actually the part that I’m thinking about.

This isn’t just a fear about any old ex hiding in the bushes. The OP has adjusted back to a healthy enough mentality that she can drive to the town he lives in, go into the grocery store. Awesome. A fear of randomly bumping into him isn’t the problem.

The anxiety being addressed here is really specific: he’s got to drive over to the OP’s town, and either time it to the small window in the evening when she takes her dogs into the yard, or wait hidden in the yard. That’s what the OP is currently carrying a knife for. That’s a pretty specific scenario.

The rest of the time, the OP has described reasonably healthy re-adjusting to normal life.

So, with that specific scenario in mind, and the specific skill set and resources of the person the OP is worried about - is “Well I’ll be ready for that scenario with my kitchen knife/pepper spray.”

This guy is going to go to all that trouble and be unarmed? Really?

So, what do we do with that? Seems to me that continuing along with the same kind of readjustment to normal, healthy functioning is the way to go. I’m not going to dig up research right now on this topic, but certainly my understanding is that for a person with anxiety or ptsd - leaning into safety behaviours like the one described by the OP actually increases the related distress, and the reliance on the safety behaviour, rather than being helpful.

The mindset that @TruthSeeker describes is the alternative. Deciding, “Nope, I’m done with this fear controlling my life”, and making a conscious effort to return to normality.

Because this isn’t any old ex. So, being ‘ready’ with pepper spray or the kitchen knife, in the specific scenario the OP has described? Isn’t helpful. IMO? It’s a safety behaviour that is more likely to be fuelling the underlying anxiety, rather than providing any meaningful protection from this particular ex.

^When it comes to dv there is no such person.


^Yep. Killing without the use of weapons is one of their forte's. Why would he risk being stopped and searched for the cops... he wouldn't. Stupidity isn't one of his traits when intentions are on doing harm.


^I don't think it is controlling Sighs life. I think the reality is a new normal life is being established. For some it actually does mean looking over their shoulder, checking out their homes when they enter and taking knives outside into their unlit yards at night. That is reality unfortunately.

We can discuss all day long about it being a wrong mindset. This isn't a self fulfilling thing is it? He's not under sighs control. He's not under any sanction - thanks to a court decision.

Is being completely unarmed in mind and body better?

Not for me, if I ever had to go through it again there would be no positive thinking process blinding me to the enormity of what was about to happen. Give me a knife/spray/baton any day and I'd do as much harm as possible.

Let the barristers argue if I should have let positive thinking protect me..... when or if (he) should appear in my backyard, my home, my car - whatever. Remember defending yourself is legal and completely normal.

This guy, if he intends to do harm can do it with his hands, no needs for guns or weapons and he can probably gain entry reasonably easily in a variety of places at Sighs home. He doesn't have to wait for her to take the dogs outside. It's not just specific to the back yard is it @Sighs? Were you using that as an example or expressing your concern about him coming to your home and protection generally? I'm not sure anymore.

Going about town, in daylight, in public may appear to be normal behaviour to the uninitiated. Perhaps to some it even appears safer. It's not.

Once predator, stalking, ambush behaviour becomes even a remote chance being aware, thinking of potential weapons is actually normal and realistic.

Paranoia engulfs every action.....constant vigilance keeps the brain chemistry on high.....and stress high.....and fears rule your life (and they get worse...paranoia increases, fog gets thicker....you begin to be afraid of other "possible things" that could happen-it's living in your head....not living in reality...and this thinking is sick and circular. Been here, done this, and it's not personally working for me.
I'd rather be dead when my time comes than afraid to live......your point is well taken.....keeping pepper spray on self as a precaution, if it gives a person more confidence and control in "living" in reality is a good thing.....using common sense, a good thing, but living life as though you are expecting to get hurt.....yeah....I've tried to give this line of thinking up.....I was always afraid.

 

[Sideways]

My therapist says I am exhibiting symptoms of PTSD due to the abuse.

So sorry to hear this. Have you spoken to your T about reasonable steps to protect your safety in your circumstances? They’re well placed to know what will and won’t be helpful for your mental health.

You’re absolutely right about your dogs. Give them a special treat for me:) There is absolutely nothing he can do about his smell, which your dogs will pick up long before you could possibly know that someone is approaching.

Regardless of whether they like him or not? They will almost certainly alert you to his presence, or anyone else’s presence, at night, whether it be running to lick him in the face, or (more likely) barking at someone intruding in your space.

Your T probably has ideas on the best approach for you moving forward. And possibly some alternatives that may at least give you back some of the confidence you’ve lost because of this arsehat (like self defence classes?).

I’m not going to play the rainbows and bunny rabbits card and tell you that this guy is no longer a threat. Dv stats are shit for women in Australia. And I don’t know this guy from a bar of soap.

But definitely, you won’t be looking over your shoulder forever. You won’t. Even if you are developing, or have developed, ptsd? You know way too much about it, and are too savvy with looking after yourself, for this to be where your mental health will be at for good.

Protecting our mental health and our personal safety? Don’t always have nice crossovers. I definitely see the points that @blackemerald1 is making.

The scenario that you described though? The one he’s thought out? Is alarming. The concept “someone has thought about doing that specific thing to me personally” would take a toll on anyone. I hope he’s progressed in his treatment since then.

Given that information, I think if you and your T agree that arming yourself is necessary or in your best interests? It’s potentially a case of anything other than a knife might be a safer alternative. If he turns up drunk and disorderly one night, the last thing you want is to trigger those thoughts he’s had by introducing a knife specifically into the scenario, you know?

I hope the passage of time is rendering you safer and safer. I’m optimistic for you that you will come out the other side of this.

Fwiw? I moved recently. I personally had to concede that my home was too unsafe for me to realistically achieve peace of mind, or a genuine feeling of safety when I was at home. Not saying you should necessarily move house, but thinking laterally has worked for me. I do feel safer now, particularly having a housemate, just their physical presence in the home. I could’ve gone down the “carry some sort of weapon” track, but I opted against it. There are options, and your T can probably help you work through the best ones for you.

ETA. I never thought I’d suggest this to anyone, like, ever. But there are dog trainers around who are ex-police force, or current police force working dog trainers. I think there’s also stuff (cringe) online. Engaging in training our dogs is almost universally good for our mental health, but there are trainers around who specialise in training dogs to keep you safe in specific ways. Perhaps not in regional areas, but online options may be worth exploring, even with the help of a standard, local dog trainer.

 

[Sighs]

I hope he’s progressed in his treatment since then.

To the best of my knowledge he is not in any form of treatment.

If he turns up drunk and disorderly one night,

He doesn't drink. All of the things he did to me he did stone cold sober.

My current partner is home 5 nights out of 7 so most of the time I feel pretty safe. Its those two nights that sometimes cause me a bit of discomfort. Last night I had a nightmare and woke up to what I could have sworn was my ex calling my name loudly. No such thing of course because the dogs hadn't barked at all, but.... sigh!

It is a new (for me) house. I don't know if he has the address. Its a small town. If he asked around he could get it. For me, I've decided not to change jobs, names or locations. I don't think the slight increase in safety would be worth the upheaval in my life.

My dogs are big, strong, loud and of a breed renowned for their protective instincts. I will do more training with them but as you say as a form of relaxation and bonding.

I know I'm going to be alright. However it pans out.