When Does Support Become Tolerating Abuse?

[Alkajsdflkjasdf]

At what point does supporting someone with PTSD cross the line into withstanding a shit storm of verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse?

And what do you do when you reach that point? Bail and get told you're abandoning them? Beg them to get help only to have it blow up it your face? Stay and continue getting your heart beat up? Honestly, what do you do?

Sufferers, I know you're going through absolute hell every single day, but please, please remember to consider those who are doing their absolute best with the knowledge they have to be there for you. Don't take them for granted or throw a perfectly loving relationship away. I'm not saying you do or don't do this, but if you happen to find yourself in this particular situation, please give someone who loves and supports you a hug. They're going through their own kind of hell.

 

[Ebopo]

And what do you do when you reach that point? Bail and get told you're abandoning them? Beg them to get help on...

I wish to God I knew the answer to that question.

 

[Pawu]

Well, if I walked up and gave my supporter a hug right now, he would probably feel the need to have me committed. :laugh:

Boundaries, supporters do need to learn how to properly maintain boundaries. When supporters get frustrated with us, because we are frustrating them, it often turns into a vicious cycle. It is better for us if we have a supporter that has boundaries that they enforce, because a supporter who is at the end of their rope when it comes to dealing with us can make things far worse for us and reinforce negative expectations.

 

[Esi]

Well... this is a very good point, and why the label secondary PTSD is used in diagnosis, where a person ends up with PTSD from supporting someone with PTSD, all due to the abuse they've endured in that single defining relationship.

Honestly, it can be scary depending on the PTSD sufferer.

Honestly, what do you do?

Honestly? You have to look after yourself first and foremost. If you break, then your entire point of supporting someone, that relationship, is broken and no longer happening. All that happens is you're left in the same state as they are, and are within an abuse cycle. When you can't take it, you need to get out and save yourself.

A sufferer begging you, or telling you you're abandoning them, is a guilt trip and more abuse from them, especially when they make promises to positively change, and do nothing about it. They fall back into that behaviour because they had no intention of changing. Leave, is my advice.

Don't take them for granted or throw a perfectly loving relationship away.

That is a huge problem with PTSD... the sufferer abuses those who want to help them, then they often complain about the very person not helping them. They want it all often with so much confusion within their own mind, that they can't accept they cannot have it all. They have to choose to work on themselves and improve that relationship. When the relationship grows toxic, someone has to walk away for the sake of both parties.

If you stay... you're just enabling them and the toxicity at that stage. Time apart can do a PTSD sufferer wonders, however; don't play it like a card, as though the person will be there. Make the decision and leave, or do not, but don't expect anything. They may change to save the relationship, they may not. Only time will tell. Either way, you have removed yourself and saved yourself.

 

[Horat]

At what point does supporting someone with PTSD cross the line into withstanding a shit storm of verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse?

I have PTSD and I support someone with. My answer is never.

Someone becomes abusive, I set a boundary - and if it continues, I leave. Period.

Withstanding - i.e. just putting up with abuse - does NOTHING good for the sufferer.

Abuse is not a symptom of PTSD, and having PTSD is not an excuse to be abusive.

 

[Gukuwi]

"When does support become tolerating abuse?" Never. Because tolerating abuse is no longer (healthy) support of the sufferer.

 

[Icaf]

Letting dysfunctional behaviour slip by or even worse rewarding it by responding positively to it doesn't do anyone any favours

Strong interpersonal boundaries and al-anon style detachment are needed to avoid falling into co dependency and enabling of dysfunction.

As a sufferer I now know that many of us learned some very dysfunctional coping mechanisms and ways of interacting as we were growing up.

They have nothing to do with PTSD itself
They were learned in the environment that gave us PTSD or set us on the path to getting it.

 

[Ugar]

Here's the rub though... What is "abuse"?

What if they're triggered and punch you in the face? Do you leave them for being abusive? What if they're dissociative and call you a worthless whore?

The hard part for supporters is making the distinction between something that can and cannot be helped. The sufferers here seemed to have mixed ideas on the topic too. Can anybody control their actions during a trigger reaction? I'm not talking about just being stressed... Full blown trigger.

Do you leave somebody for a symptom of their disorder?

 

[Gimase]

Do you leave somebody for a symptom of their disorder?

That question though, to me, incites guilt upon another.

Being triggered is not an excuse to abuse someone. PTSD is not an excuse, and is even viewed as such in court cases where it has been attempted as such. Mitigating, absolutely... but repetitive abuse is abuse, regardless how you view it.

It all comes down to the supporter. Do they feel abused? Are they at their limit for providing support? Is it time to get out and save myself before I too have PTSD from abusive trauma?

Only the supporter can answer those questions, then action them IMHO. You should not, however; try to make them feel guilty due to their decision.

 

[Peper]

When does support become tolerating abuse?

Never.

I consider it like this... If I catch an elbow in the face playing basketball? That's not abuse. Elbows happen. If someone deliberately elbows me in the face whilst playing basketball? That's abuse. "Oh, but we were playing basketball!" cowardly ass blame shifting can kiss my ass. At least f*cking own it, you ball-less asshole.

There's a very real difference between dealing with symptoms, and using symptoms as an excuse, or anything else as an excuse.

Now... If my personal boundaries include never being elbowed in the face? Basketball ain't my sport!

If my personal boundaries include never being elbowed in the face on purpose? I can play basketball all durn day long. To ain't the sport, it's the person I'm playing with I need to ditch.

Same thing with PTSD. Boundaries.

 

[Alkajsdflkjasdf]

So please help me understand because I feel there's somewhat of a contradiction at play for supporters: On one hand we're told to not take anything personally while a sufferer is triggered and as a result lashes out, withdraws, dissociates, etc. Yet on the other hand, we're told to not take any flak. What I'm wondering is where is the line of demarcation? Is there a particular behavior or a certain length of time or a continual refusal to get help that would be considered crossing over into unacceptable territory? Or is that simply up to each supporter's discretion?

 

[Iduk]

Do you leave somebody for a symptom of their disorder?

Sure. Absolutely.

You can leave someone because you belong to different political parties, have opposing ideas on footwear, number of kids, the proper way to spend a Tuesday evening, religion, table manners, sexual preferences, geographic location ... anything, absolutely anything... that you don't want in a relationship is grounds to leave someone.

It doesn't mean they have to be a terrible person, that you're leaving. In fact, I hope everyone you break up with is an amazing person (shows good taste), and vice versa.

"Oh! But he/she is a good person!" pisses me the hell off. I should certainly hope so! Standards, people!!! Raise them! When you're dating? That you're dating someone you see as a good person should be the absolute bare minimum.

It's like hearing "But he has arms/head/elbows/whatever." Um. Yeah. And?