When facing any sort of problem I revert to feeling suicidal

[Laguna]

Life’s good, I feel loved and things are doing well. But when I have to face problems, even if they might not be “big deals” or seem bigger because of anxiety I just start thinking my life will go downhill from there so I should just suicide already instead of suffering.
And I know it makes no sense, I even tell myself that, but my head races from one idea into the other it’s so confusing.
I know this comes from when I was younger and really wished to commit, but never did because I was scared. I thought I wasn’t going back to those feelings but this Monday I was really delving into the idea... Crying over it for an hour and half... But I won’t do it, I don’t want to die. Why am I like this?

 

[Survivor3]

Life’s good, I feel loved and things are doing well. But when I have to face problems, even if they might not be “big deals” or seem bigger because of anxiety I just start thinking my life will go downhill from there so I should just suicide already instead of suffering.
And I know it makes no sense, I even tell myself that, but my head races from one idea into the other it’s so confusing.
I know this comes from when I was younger and really wished to commit, but never did because I was scared. I thought I wasn’t going back to those feelings but this Monday I was really delving into the idea... Crying over it for an hour and half... But I won’t do it, I don’t want to die. Why am I like this?

If life is good then why top yourself. Or if life is bad then why top yourself. Don't do it.

 

[gealach]

Hi @Laguna,

What you describe, with problems kicking you into suicidal ideation, makes sense. Have you read about the stress cup? I'll see if I can find the link for it, but the basic idea is that your cup is already somewhat full and adding stress (even good stress) causes it to overflow. Some days your cup is less full, so you have more room for stress before it overflows, other times your cup is already very full, so there's very little room for stress before it overflows.

It's good that you have insight into where the ideation is coming from, your childhood, that you recognize that you don't actually want to die, and that something happened Monday. So your stress cup overflowed, causing the ideation. Also consider that the world is not it's normal self right now, with the viral pandemic, so that is a big source of stress too.

Are you in therapy?

 

[gealach]

Found it...

stress cup explanation

 

[osiris]

Hi @Laguna
Just want to let you know that you are not alone in these feelings. I can’t answer why you’re like this, other than offer that apparently it’s a normal PTSD thing, and while that sounds rubbish it’s not you being or doing anything wrong.
It’s really difficult when the slightest setback or problem sends you into suicidal thoughts, and even if you feel you aren’t going to do anything about it, the painful feelings in that moment are hard to bear.
Keep posting and know people here will listen to you and support you.

 

[Ronin]

What @gealach said. It makes perfect sense and is not uncommon.

I found DBT super helpful for these swings, honestly.

As in doesn't help me with suicidality as hardcore avoidance, nor suicidality as honor / loss of face, nor suicidality as honor / protect everyone, et all, but helped me damnedest with suicidality as full stress cup & despair kicking in thing.

 

[Laguna]

@gealach I am not in therapy, it took me a long time to really feel like going to and obviously right now I can’t. Thanks for that explanation and everyone’s explanation.
I suppose I should try to remind myself that those thoughts are not true and everything shall pass..

 

[rightkindofme]

For me, part of it is about there being well worn pathways in the brain. This was the coping method that I leapt to for a very long time so it makes sense that it is still sometimes the first thing that pops up. I'm not actively suicidal, but it was a feeling I had for a long time. My brain remembers that being the thing I wanted the most.

It has gotten better with time and finding new ways of coping. But it's not completely gone. I have to give myself grace for the fact that it is a thought. It passes. I don't act on it. I don't self harm anyway at this point. It's ok that my thoughts aren't always perfect.

 

[Friday]

I get suicidal for a lot of different reasons... my brain trying to be “helpful” when I’m stuck in black&white / all-or-nothing thinking? Is one of the most annoying.

ProblemA > Eat your gun.

WHAT THE f*ck, Brain??? How is that in any way helpful? It’s not. That is not a solution. We’re looking for solutions. Eating my gun is not a solution. So f*ck right off.

Now. Let’s try this, again. ProblemA? > Eat your gun.

Oh FFS. Didn’t we JUST discuss this? No. No I am not going to eat my gun. :banghead: :banghead:

Upside? ^^^ is such a consistent pattern in my life that, whilst annoying, also lets me ignore myself at worst, and actually gives me tools to work around what’s going on wih me, at best. Because this pattern happens with black and white thinking? I can intentionally grey-up my thinking. Usually by making a kind of ridiculous list. “Kind of” because whilst rational solutions sound ridiculous in my all or nothing mindset, what feels right is usually the most ridiculous non-option/solution of all (eat my gun >.< ). Yeah. Not a great solution (or any kind of solution) for being out of oranges, needing a new job, needing to make a phone call, etc.

***
One of the other places this comes from, for me? Nothing short of life v death matters. Shrug. It just doesn’t. So in order to pick out a shirt to wear, or box of cereal to buy, or plan for the day, or, or, or? In order to THINK about anything? I have to kick it up to “a matter of life vs death”. :banghead: Not intentionally, it’s just what happens. Blown waaaaaay out of proportion from the get go? Also comes along with blown waaaaaay out of proportion solutions to things. So it cycles. I need a shirt. AS A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH!!! (omfg, I hate it when this happens. A shirt. All I need is a damn shirt.) WHAT MAKES THIS SHIRT VS THAT SHIRT LIFE VS CERTAIN DOOOOOOOOOOOM? (Oh ffs, I hate this shit). Anywho? Big damn clusterf*ck in my head heart surrounding the survivibikity of basic clothing items, starts kicking of stupid solutions to non-existent problems, which are quickly becoming real Problems, which my brain is now attempting to sort using black & white reasoning.

^^^ THIS^^^ one? I tackle differently. Rather than attempting to grey-up my thinking, I remove as much thinking from the equation as possible. Like half my wardrobe? Is usually made up of the same 6 shirts, same 6 pairs of jeans, etc. On the other side are all kinds of Shazam and interesting clothes. But half is no-thinking-requires. Dishes? Ditto. Same plates, glasses, silverware, etc. In as many mundane I DGAF about areas of my life as possible, I remove the necessity of making even the tiniest decisions. Just to side step the life or death anxiety spike, which then spirals into suicidal ideation. Because, quite frankly, it can f*ck right off.