When I'm Calmer, The Things I Think/say/write When I'm Not Seem Asinine.

[MT Johnny]

I've calmed down a bit over the past week or so - not that anything is easy, my life is still a train wreck just looking for a place to happen. But when I go back and read some of the things I've written here, or things I recall saying to my therapist, or just thinking, it is at times another WTF moment in my life. I guess it's a combination of embarrassment, shame, and disgust with myself that I feel now about some of it. Mostly it seems ... Undignified, immature, spoiled maybe - I sound like a whiny brat, not a grown man.

Of course, that is kind of a core issue for many people who suffered various forms of abuse as children - I feel at times very much like an adolescent or teenager in a man's body, because I am emotionally "stuck"'in some ways at that phase of my life - I guess a logical consequence of having a tormentor instead of a father.

 

[WildMermaid]

@MT Johnny Recognizing your weaknesses as well your strengths is a big part of growing. We all have petulant bratty days, so try not to focus too much on that. You also lend support to others and are truly trying to figure out how to better yourself. Those are honorable traits in my book. :hug:s if you want them.

 

[Sandstone]

I feel at times very much like an adolescent or teenager in a man's body,

Well done on your maturity - I feel more like a three year old, bewildered by the grown ups unfathomable rules and knowledge, and prone to to throwing tantrums.

I agree that the things we say and write are cringeworthy afterwards - but they are still part of me

 

[WildMermaid]

@stenni I too feel like a small child most days, with grown up moments every so often.

 

[Kefira]

I agree that the things we say and write are cringeworthy afterwards - but they are still part of me

I feel like embracing this as a part of you is important. This is actually something I'm struggling with today- accepting that the part of me that overreacts, lashes out, is whiny or immature in reflection is valid and is there because of my experiences.

I think it's important to know when to push through it and when to just take a step back and say "okay, obviously I've overextended myself somewhere because this is the behavior that's coming up, and I'm going to let myself work through that". I've done a lot of work on re-framing my expectations of myself lately. The thoughts/actions I'm not proud of or that seem silly and immature later are what I can manage in that moment. I'll have good moments and bad moments, good days and bad days.

Many of us have been developmentally halted in some way or another. We also come here to type the things that we can't express as easily out in the world. Personally I try hard not to judge myself too harshly because I end up censoring myself. Sometimes you really NEED to whine about how the world isn't fair for a minute, before you can go back to acting like a rational human being ;).

 

[Sandstone]

take a step back and say "okay, obviously I've overextended myself somewhere because this is the behavior that's coming up, and I'm going to let myself work through that". I've done a lot of work on re-framing my expectations of myself lately. The thoughts/actions I'm not proud of or that seem silly and immature later are what I can manage in that moment.

That's a new idea to me, and I suspect important. It's the opposite of my usual firm boundary between the times I let all that "childishness" out and the rest of the time when I appear to be chugging placidly along.

 

[Kefira]

@stenni I actually didn't realize I was doing it until lately. I've had a resurgence of a lot of chronic physical pain that was better for a while. And so I've had to deal with the fact that there are times I just cannot manage some of the things I'm used to being able to do. I still beat myself up over that for being 'weak', but it's a little easier when the problem is physical.

I think that sort of started to cross over into realizing that I have things crop up psychologically that mean that for the time being (whether it's a minute or an hour or a day) this is all I can manage. It's been helpful I think to acknowledge it and not fight it quite so hard while still mitigating the effects. Because it is so tiring to be presenting as normal all the time.

 

[Friday]

The distance between who I am and who I want to be seems an impossible distance. But the truth remains; I can see the other side.

Means it's not as far as I think.

 

[GWhizz]

@MT Johnny please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed of anything you've shared, especially when you were at a difficult point. Maybe we act out that little child now and again, but not for no good reason - that child deserves to be heard this time.

The great thing about having each other on this forum is that we can learn from one another in a safe supportive environment.

No judgments here, just honesty.

 

[sweetcandy]

Don't feel ashamed anything you have shared. Sometimes things don't always go the way we expect them to. In moments like those when we need the most support and sometimes encouragement just so we can keep going. The little child wants to be heard too.

 

[Neverthesame]

I honestly don't think you sound like a whiney brat. It has been my experience that a whiney brat, is someone who has no desire to change or grow. So they try to bring everyone around them down, in an unhealthy spin on the old adage of "misery loves company".

You on the other hand. Sound like someone who is trying to sort out their shit. Trying to learn new skills for coping with adulthood, in a world that operates on a different set of rules than what you were taught. Of course you are going to have rough periods. If it was easy, you wouldn't have a problem in the first place.

Long story short. Don't stress over it. Want some proof? If you really were a whiney brat. I don't think anyone would have responded. Certainly not with politeness and encouragement.

 

[shimmerz]

I try to look at things in a contrasting sort of way. Yes, I have definitely got times where I am not proud of my behaviours and actions, because they are childish. On the other hand, I also know that there is another side that can take care of things in a way that is competent. It may not happen often, but I really try to focus on that side.

I feel like the saying is correct, "What you focus on you get more of".