Supporter When Is Enough, Enough?

[spouse of hermit]

Hello all! My name is DJ and I live in Kentucky. I have been married for 23 years to my C-PTSD husband. We have lived apart for the last 4 years, but still on very friendly terms, faithful to each other, but primarily as best friends more than husband/wife.

I am now 54, he is 50. I am getting to a point where I am rather lonely as far as true companionship goes. Life is lived on his terms when it comes to us. He needs to be alone most of the time. He is trying very hard to get his head together as far as therapy and meds go. He says he just needs to focus on himself and have no outside distractions. He rarely see's or talks to our two sons and our one grandson. Maybe once per month, if that. He and I havent seen each other face-to-face in two months.

Some days, I want to continue being there as his friend and helping support him emotionally knowing he is trying his best...other days I just want to go on and make a happier life for myself. I mean I dont want to get seriously involved with some one else, but it would be nice to have someone pay attention to ME, to go out to a movie, a dinner date, see live music, go to an art festival... anything!

I have tried doing some of these things alone, but when I look around and see other couples talking, laughing, dancing... I feel so lonely and conspicuous and (probably in my own head) pitied. I just dont know what the right thing to do is.

All I know is that I am lonely.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Can you do both? Can you remain his friend but allow yourself to have a life you enjoy? You deserve it. You deserve to go out to a movie with someone and have a companion. You are not responsible for his mental health, as much as you may think you are. I am a sufferer, and my ex is my friend, and helps me a lot, but I encourage him to date and do what makes him happy. He does date, not so much anymore, but he goes out with his friends and has a life. I am happy he does. In my case, I don't want to drag anyone down, or keep them from being happy. Could you allow yourself to just start looking for other friendships and romantic relationships?

 

[PeaceMan41]

Hello all! My name is DJ and I live in Kentucky. I have been married for 23 years to my C-PTSD...

I agree with you, life is so short to not be happy, and we need companionship, and no, even our k-9 friends can't do it all as just another human heart can. We aren't even into sex in this area. This is human need, its natural. It's not nature to be isolated. But one does want the need to be helped, and want to be with others. Im rather isolated against my wishes, but the area I'm in is so peaceful. I would be homeless if not for the support of this community and some family I have in Ky.

 

[ladee]

Have you had this conversation with him?
Must be nice to get healthy with "no distractions" and still have the support he's getting.
Sorry,the edge to my tone is my own. And am not judgeing you for the support you give him.
But I agree with @DharmaGirl , you still get to have a life.
The fact you have this question says you are ready.
You have to give yourself permission..and I am wholeheartedly encourging you.
Let us know what live music event you went to and who with!
I am a sufferer and encourage you to get your own life.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Perspective of a "sufferer": I used to feel a little neglected when my main "helper" would be off doing good elsewhere (working a bit - semi-retired - and a volunteer for all kinds of things) when I don't have the energy, and also things like meeting up with friends, when I don't have any.

But I am glad he has that. Just because I am stuck inside the house, doesn't mean he should be.


bad timing award: both he and I were asked out to a movie and dinner tonight - this is rare, so it's especially a shame that I'm too sick to go (ear infection). :( Chicken broth and tea - not really conducive to a night out. I will do something like that another time. Meanwhile I'm (mostly!) happy for him to do his thing. I would never wish to restrict things in his life that he enjoys.

I suggest you go ahead and see what you can do to get out of the house with other people. It sounds like you have enough time to make your life full without imposing on his recovery. Lonely is no good. I do not advocate lying, but possibly you could casually skip mentioning other companionship, if you're very worried about his reaction when he does need your support.

But even if it upsets him, you still must take care of yourself! Do not feel guilty. Could you try therapy, maybe? For some encouragement and help from another person, someone to give you a nudge in the right direction to having your own satisfying life? Good luck to you, I hope you find a happier and more balanced way to move forward.

 

[EmmaOwl]

PS I want to add that I am pretty darn limited - I almost always have someone get me up in the mornings, because I am scared from nightmares when I wake up - and someone who checks in on me at night, and someone who makes sure I eat when I can't do that on my own. Most of this is done by one person, with some fill-ins.... Yet he STILL leads a full life. No question that you could manage it.

Please do come back and let us know what you've been up to for yourself.

 

[spouse of hermit]

Can you do both? Can you remain his friend but allow yourself to have a life you enjoy? You deserve...

THANK YOU SO MUCH.... it really helps just hearing someone say that it is even OK to do that!! I know i dont need someone's "permission" but just thinking about finding a good friend to spend some very platonic friendship with makes me feel guilty. Again... thank you!!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm glad that resonated with you. I hope let us know how this works out for you!