When Is It Time To REALLY Worry?

[PainX2]

Things have been absolutely awful terrible the past few weeks and I've been struggling alot. I feel like the only thing I have to look forward to in this life is my husband and my dog. Everything else seems to be falling apart.

My Short Term benefits have been denied at work, I've heard through the grapevine of whispers going on at work about me, my family has laid a whole lot of shit on me that I'm "hamming it up" just to get time off.. all the while I'm dealing with the demons that make me cry at everything, that make my breath come fast and I can't breathe, that make me use alcohol to numb the pains...

Every so often over the years and much more often recently with the stressors in my life, I've thought to myself... would anyone (other than my husband) even give a shit if I was gone? If I just disappeared? I haven't told my husband or my Psychologist about these feelings. This is the only place I've dared mention it. I can't feel ME anymore. I can't be strong enough for myself let alone for everyone else.

When do I ask for help? When do I fear for my own life? When is it too much?

 

[zoe]

Pain

It is always too much when you are feeling that bad. I would think your psychologist and husband would understand that you are just expressing your pain. As far as fearing for your life...only you know the answer to that one. Asking for help, well, that is always okay.

Zoe

 

[cherryblossom]

I would agree with Zoe. Only YOU know whether you should be concerned for your life. Suicidal thoughts can be frightening, and are a reaction to feeling immense pain. I would sincerely consider telling your husband and / or your therapist. Your therapist can help you with these feelings. By being open and honest with how you are feeling can lift a huge burden and help to recognise exactly how you are feeling. Things to consider are: Do you just want the pain to stop? Or do you really want to be gone from this world forever? Do you have a plan of suicide? Do you consider how much pain your husband would be in, if you were to kill yourself? You say you wonder whether anyone else would give a shit if you were gone. This isn't about other people, it's about how much you value yourself. These aren't questions I expect you to answer here, but things to think about.

And a word of warning, alcohol is a depressive. It may seem like a good idea to help you blot out the pain, but it will only make you more depressed and may lead to rash decisions/acts due to reducing your inhibitions and self control. Do yourself a favour, quit the booze and use your support system (husband & therapist), before things get any worse.

Stay safe,
CB

 

[Deleted member 541]

I totally agree with CB. Especially about the booze. It IS a depressive, and only makes things worse. Not only that, it isn't healthy for the body either...

 

[brokenchild]

Agrees with the above, only you can know when things are bad enough to be concerned for your life. Though, by asking the question, I think you are concerned, at least a little.

I agree about talking to someone about how you are feeling. I have never managed to tell a professional how I am feeling/what I am thinking when I get into the suicidal thoughts though. I am too worried about what they would do. It's only been after they are over I mention that I had them in the past.

 

[kclarkesocal]

I would really really strongly encourage you to talk to your therapist (and/or husband) about your feelings. My wife struggled for many months with suicidal urges of varying strengths before she was willing to tell her therapist (or anyone else for that matter). I think that many people struggle with the ability to share those feelings, but I think that it is critical to share. In my wife's case the feelings just kept building up, leading to suicide planning, and some suicidal actions. It would have been much better if she had shared these feels with her therapist months earlier. Also, in my (limited) experience, the combination of suicidal feelings and alcohol has lead her to the brink of disaster, so I would really encourage you to be open with your therapist about your feelings and chart a path to safety.

 

[Iam]

You definitely need to share your thoughts with your therapist. He/she will give you coping skills to get thru it. It's not something to be embarassed about, after all that is one of the reasons you are in counseling and that is something they deal with all the time.

You don't need to worry about them hospitalizing you. I was so very close to suicide a 9 years ago that the pyschiatrist that I had to see for meds offered to hospitalize me, but I said no and she didn't force it. My psychologist was also aware gave my husbands instructions about what to do to keep me safe and when to call for help. I didn't find this out about my husband being given instructions until last year when I ordered the records for my new T. I had know idea they were watching me that closely. Even so I was not forced into the hospital until my son thought I was about to do it one night. I was in emergency for a few hours then released.

When we are in that dark pit it is hard to see that it will ever get better. I thank God I am still here, there has been so many joys I would have missed. Please keep safe.

 

[anthony]

Everyone has really crap times within their life at some point... and you have to just do your best to work through those times. I was suicidal for years and daily had to fight like hell from driving my car into a pole or wall... and I did it. So can you... the tough times are just part of life that you must accept. As stated above... talk, talk, talk with those around you, your therapist, etc.

 

[PainX2]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It's been something I've struggled with for a long time. I know all too well the pain that suicide leaves on the people left behind which is why I am concerned about it. I understand that pain like many can't and I don't want to hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. For me, its been thought about over the years as a release to my own pain, completely selfish. Maybe that's why I've never done it, I didn't want anyone else I love to hurt like that.

I know alcohol is a depressant. I know that I'm much more emotional when I've had a drink. I would like to think that I'm strong enough to ask for the help before I get to the point where I might hurt myself.



Warning - extreme sharing follows. Avoid if you want.

When I was 14, I found my younger brother (12 yrs) hanging from the rafters in the basement after the Easter long weekend. I can remember every single thing about that day. I remember walking down the stairs, turning to see him there, screaming and screaming and screaming. I remember my mom running down as fast as her legs would carry her. When she came to the bottom where I was standing there completely paralyzed, she said "oh Shawn, NO" and then yelled at me to call 911. I ran upstairs as fast as I could and called them. I was completely inconsolable at this point. My mom's friend was there and she was dumbfounded. The only instructions she had was to not let my little brother down the stairs, to keep him away. Then I had to go back down those stairs and help my mom cut my brother down. She wanted to do CPR. I knew it was too late. He was blue and rigor mortis had already set in. But I helped anyway because I had to. My mom was crying and yelling. I fell into a state of shock. I couldn't get my eyes away from my little brother's face. He was all puffy. I had to take the rope off him. When the ambulance got there, I was shuttled upstairs to the top floor to take care of my youngest brother. The coroner came after that. I remember my mom coming upstairs then and holding us so hard. I didn't sleep or eat for days. I couldn't stand the dark. I was cold and numb. I didn't cry again for awhile. My mom made me go to the viewing because she wanted me to see my brother with a "better image to live with for the rest of my life".... like anything could ever replace these images. When we finally went back home, I wouldn't go into the basement again for months. My legs shook when I got even close to the handle. All the memories would come rushing back to me. Finally my mom forced me to go down one day. My legs shook and I cried the whole time. I had my first counselling in my life after his death. It was a terrible experience. He forced me to relive the entire day. Every sight, smell, colour and feeling. It was the wrong time for that type of therapy. It made me clam up and not want to share my feelings to anyone. I learned to bury my feelings and numb myself to most everything from only a few therapy sessions. I never went back to him.

I can't believe I just typed all that. I've never shared that to this extent before. I need to get a diary and start working some of this stuff out. It's not doing any good trapped inside my head.

Thank you to those of you that read through that and are still here. It's an extremely painful memory for me, one of several.

 

[zoe]

Pain

I don't know that you need to feel that talking about suicidal thoughts/feelings is "selfish". They are just thoughts and feelings, not actions. They are an expression of your pain. When I read about how the counselor you saw at 14 handled the situation I felt like I could hurt them...it was just a thought not an action. It makes me feel better when I get things out, hopefully that will help you also.

As far as warning others about sharing, I will just say that in my experience it will be harder for you to hear and remember than it will be for others. Remember to take it slow and to be kind to yourself.

I won't pretend to understand your pain in regards to the loss of your brother, but I am sorry that you had such an awful thing happen. I am sorry also that your counselor was an insensitive idiot...fortunately they are not all like that.

Zoe

 

[Iam]

Dear Pain,

I am so sorry that you had to go thru that. I can only imagine what it would be like. I am so glad that you wrote it out. I do know how painful it is to even write it, but like you said, it's not doing you any good to keep it trapped in your head. Writing is cathartic. I think a diary is a great idea! I have a journal I take with me so I can keep track of thoughts and feelings. There is also a diary forum here that you can use. I know for me that writing things out first helps to soften the pain a bit, at least enough that it makes it easier to talk with my T about things.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Deleted member 541]

Death is traumatic to a child, but to witness what you did, must have been horrible. I am so sorry that you went through this...I agree with Zoe, the therapist/counselor that you had was an insensitive idiot. One that should give up doing what they are doing and go into a more fitting work field.. Garbage Collector comes to mind....

Hang in there, keep getting this stuff out, and I agree with possibly using the diary section here. You will get lots out of it, and a lot of good feedback....